To Shower or Not to Shower

     That my friends is a huge question, and I'm not talking about hygiene.  I have been going back and forth about this situation in my head since we started the adoption process.  Searching the depths of the internet, I looked high and low and finally came to a decision.  It is completely up to me. 
     I know for a fact that God has a baby in mind for us, and who knows I could eat my words later on down the road.  Not that it wouldn't be a new concept for me.  Here is what I know.  When we do get that glorious call to rush to the hospital, I want to be ready.  It could be that we are picked and have time to wait, but I don't want to take a chance of getting that call and not being prepared.  It just simply won't work for me and isn't in my personality. 
     There have been several people mention about not being chosen or coming up babyless for lack of a better word.  This was another endless conversation in my head too and one that I try hard not to think about.  When we signed on with Angel I felt a calm like I've never felt in all the years we spent trying to conceive.  Everything also went through so perfectly that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God opened this door for a reason.  My friends I do not believe in coincidence. 
     So, my best friend in the entire world is throwing me a shower next month.  Will it be different?  You bet it will not because she won't throw an amazing shower, but because there is no baby nor a hint of a bump.  However, I cannot think of any other time in my marriage where things have been normal or according to plan, so why start now?  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

There Are These Boys ...

     I have re-written this post at least three times trying to express my true feelings about my boys.  On April 3 2012, life as I knew it was about to completely change forever.  That was the day that my first nephew H was born, and the day I became an aunt.  In addition to that independent three year old, I have three other ornery nephews who always seem to brighten up my darkest of days. 
     When I discovered that I was going to be an aunt again, I could not imagine how there would be enough room to love another baby like I did with H.  It's truly amazing how God set up the human heart to grow as others come into our lives.  With the arrival of nephew number two N (to quote my favorite Christmas movie The Grinch) my heart grew three sizes on that early spring morning. 
     I remember the day that both of the oldest boys began to call me by my name.  With H we practiced all the time.  These were my pre-teaching years and I babysat quite a bit and every time he would come over I would say my name over and over until he picked it up.  It wasn't as easy with N, I eventually had to bribe him with little Hostess donuts before he would say my name.  The last two (G and P) haven't turned one yet and can't talk; I guess I will give them a little longer to practice. 
     I love each of my boys equally, but the last two saved me in a way.  You see they were both born on a cold February day within three days of each other.  It was a chaotic week for our family and a little nerve racking for me.  Just two weeks before I received the worst news of my life, that Peanut wouldn't get to meet his cousins.  To be honest I was so scared to even go to the hospital to see my new nephews.  However, I serve an amazing God who in times of sorrow takes something rotten and transforms it into something beautiful.  Going to see my new sweet boys, fixed every broken part of my heart.  To this day I just love to see them both growing and smiling. 
     I know I don't have much time with my boys now, as they are growing up way too fast.  I couldn't imagine a life without block throwing, big wheel racing, wrestling, big hugs and even sticky kisses.  This post may sound a little braggy (if that's not a word it is now) ,but I have the best nephews in the whole world.  Each of my boys are different, and I couldn't love them any more.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Hurry Up & Wait

     I can't believe it's already September.  It's a little sad that August only saw two measly posts.  I will say that with school starting and finishing our home study my hands were at times literally tied.  Within the next few weeks we will be home study ready.  This means at any point we could be called to either meet a birthmother who has a due date or a birthmother has picked us and we need to go to the hospital as soon as we can to meet our angel.  We have come to the part that I have dreaded since we made the decision to adopt, the waiting period.  For the last 3 months or so we've been busting our butts to prepare for the home study, and now that it's over I am not sure what to do with myself. 
     The obvious is to get our nursery ready, which means shopping, darn the luck.  Once the nursery is ready what do I do?  I have had so many people tell me that they are praying for us and that means so much to us.  Others have added that we won't be waiting long before we have that sweet baby home, and I can't help but plaster on my fake smile, sigh, and say, "yeah maybe". 
     When the truth is that we could get a call in 6 months, a year from now, or (I pray it doesn't come to this) 2 years from now.  We just don't know and I really do appreciate everyone's positive attitude towards us.  But I've also been on the side of wanting a child for so long that most of those cute dreams begin to fade away.  I hate to always be a Debbie Downer but I HAVE to stay on this side of things so I don't break my own heart.  Every time we have been to the beach I dream of what it would be like to be chasing around a child who upon getting to the waters edge and sees the waves runs back to Chase or me.  Yet, every trip back, every year back is another reminder that my dream is just that a dream. 
     At times, I feel so jaded by our experience that I can't get past some of the emotional stuff and let me tell you I hate emotional stuff.  For now we will finish our nursery, keep fundraising, may be run a 5K or two to pass the time and wait for the day when we will be parents.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Scattered Toys

     Being an aunt comes with many jobs.  The one that I take very seriously is making sure my boys have something to play with when they come over to our house.  I don't keep a ton of toys, but enough that we can play for a few hours while I babysit.  I also added old cell phones and you would have thought that I went out a bought the newest, coolest toy from Toys-R-Us.  Well, I guess in a way I did, that's what kids love anyway, right?  It's always funny to see who they will call, Mommy, Daddy, or at times Uncle Chase.  Both of my older nephews know exactly where I keep the toy box and run straight for it when they get to my house. 
     There have been a couple times that the toys have been left out.  I know their parents are cringing at this post, but to me it represents something more.  For at least a day or more I leave the toys scattered around the floor.  It reminds me of something to look forward to when we do have children.  Now every parent that is reading this is rolling their eyes and possibly looking around their house at the scattered toys and saying what a nut job I am.  The way I look at it, is simply this, what will the child remember more your spotless house or that time when every toy in the house was played with in one night?  The child is me is rooting for the second option.
     I have always been a fairly neat person and like when things are picked up.  However, these scattered toys help me to look forward to a messy house where there is love and a whole lot of playing going on.  It also reminds me of a sign that I need to purchase which says," Please excuse the mess, the children are making memories."  As parents isn't that what we are really trying to make with our children, memories?  I pray that is what will be happening in our house in the near future.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope and leaving the toys everywhere. 

Happy Birthday Peanut

     I can't believe I'm writing this post already.  Today would have been the day we would have hopefully gotten to meet you, given that the doctors got your due date right which I'm told they rarely do.  Everyone would be waiting for you at the hospital, from aunts to great grandmas everyone would be waiting to catch a glimpse of you to see who you look like more. 
     So, to celebrate your birthday we have planned an eventful weekend.  Tonight we will go out to dinner and think about who you might have looked like and who you might have become.  The biggest question will still remain unanswered, but mommy still thinks you were a boy.  What time would you have decided to make your big debut, early in the morning or late at night?  Would you have been a healthy baby like all your cousins or closer to mommy and daddy's birth weight?  I just know that you would have been a long baby at least 20 inches.  How I wish I had the answers to these questions. 
     The other fun event that we have planned in honor of you sweet Peanut is to run in St. Louis's Glow Run.  We would have been staying up late to either feed or give birth to you, so what better way to celebrate than with others.  It will also keep us distracted and focused on all the chaos around us.  Hopefully this time we will actually run a little bit. 
     Even though we won't get to meet for a while know that not a day goes by that I don't think about your sweet face or long to hear your heartbeat.  I will always keep you in my heart until I get to heaven and we can meet in person.  Always remember how much we love you sweet Peanut. 

I Didn't Know That Muscle Existed

     Chase and I have been going to Crossfit since June and have tried to attend at least 3 times a week.  With a hectic summer schedule we haven't always been able to go as much as we would have liked, but I will say that I'm hooked.  I have never been an athlete.  Growing up I only played summer slow pitch softball and never really did anything past 8th grade.  In high school, P.E. was my kryptonite I avoided it at all costs and even got to skip out  my senior year because I was doing an internship and taking several dual credit courses. 
     When I first started this insane form of torture, I was so out of shape and couldn't do any of the WOD without taking a break or immediately getting winded.  Now, I can keep up with some of the other ladies in the class.  I really noticed a change one Sunday afternoon.  I had one of my nephews and I was tossing him into the air and watching him giggle.  While doing this I thought to myself, huh, I could keep going until he was over it.  Another time we were outside and one of my older nephews wanted to get on my shoulders and ride.  Without batting an eye I picked him up with ease and put him on my shoulders.  Just a few short months ago I would have struggled to raise him that high. 
     It's not just in areas related to my boys that I have noticed that I am getting stronger.  I am one of those people who try to get all the groceries brought in with one trip.  Especially this time of year, the horse flies are enormous and practically attack you when you step out of the door.  Well this last time, I did have to make 2 trips, I hadn't shopped in a few weeks.  That last trip I managed to bring in 3 Wal-Mart sacks, 1 overloaded Aldi bag (I always cram as much as I can into my bags and then regret every minute of it when I carry them in), 2 gallons of milk, and a case of water all while screaming and running away from the kamikaze horse flies.  (If you're laughing you should be, my family always makes fun of me this time of year because I run and scream from the car to the house because of those stupid bugs.) 
     All of that to say I have never felt better.  I never thought in all my life I would get excited about a work out or dare I say enjoy lifting weight.  Each class is a new day, the WOD is never the same.  Some of the moves are the same but you never know what form of torment they are going to make you perform.  Sadly, I keep going back for more and in the foreseeable future I am hooked.  I love how I feel and I can tell that I am losing weight, even though its a slow process.  Until next time always Chasing hope, and feeling like Wonder Woman! 

I Must Be Crazy

     Within the last 3 plus years, my major focus has been to get pregnant and start our family.  There have been many sleepless nights hoping and praying that the doctors would be wrong about our infertility and God would give us our miracle.  In a way God is giving us our miracle, but in a different form, adoption. 
     Upon signing on with Angel, I have felt a peace that I have never felt in the last 3 years of trying to get pregnant.  Our pending adoption has me more at ease than if I were to find out I was pregnant.  Truth be told I do not want to be pregnant at this moment.  While it would be a miracle, Angel would freeze our contract and it would resume when the baby was a year, but we would also have to redo our home study thus forking out money again.  The money is not the issue, but the possibility of another miscarriage really scares me.  However, there are at least 40 possible issues that we could face with adoption.  I know that this is were we are supposed to be right now.  I can just feel it. 
     It seems a little odd for me to actually write that I don't want to be pregnant.  I want to be a mom and I feel like God has opened this specific door for a reason.  It's like our light at the end of the tunnel is actually there and were not just sitting around in darkness like I feel we have been the last 3 years.  Some might think that I have given up hope of ever being pregnant.  That is simply not true as a woman I will always have that hope and that might still be in God's plan for our family.  At this time, this moment we are going to grow our family through adoption.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.