Fear Not

     Growing up I have always been afraid of something.  In general most people are or we wouldn't be human.  I hate spiders, storms, and bees (which includes anything with a stinger protruding out of its rear end).  The one thing that has always topped the true fear chart was not being able to have a baby.  I have always had this feeling that I would have a hard time getting pregnant.  As life would have it, I was correct.  When your worse fear becomes a reality I think either 2 things can happen 1) you let it consume you (I will say at times I let it) or 2) you put on your big girl panties and face it straight on with a whole lot of help from God.  I eventually chose option number 2. 
     Upon conquering an old fear, wouldn't you know that a new one appeared.  The day I found out I was pregnant was the most shocking experience of my life.  I did not allow myself the joy of getting excited until I had blood work done to ensure that I was pregnant.  In reality, I wasn't 100% sure of our pregnancy until I had the ultrasound and heard that precious heartbeat.  At that moment a new fear entered my brain what if I lose this baby?  Sadly, that fear did not have enough time to manifest itself because we lost our little Peanut a few weeks after hearing his heartbeat. 
     Chase and I have talked about adopting for several years and when the door was opened to us again we took that as God telling us it was time.  With every new adventure new fears will slowly creep in.  I don't know how many times someone asked a silly question like: "What if the mother changes her mind?"  More times than not, I want to just laugh and tell them if they have thought of that situation, then I have thought of ten different scenarios that could play out ten different ways. 
     Life is full of worry and anxiety.  When one disappears you can be sure that another will soon take its place.  The real question is will you let that fear/worry/anxiety or whatever, control you?
     A favorite verse of mine has always been: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  (Philippians 4:6)  It wasn't until recently that I was reading through the whole books of Philippians that I stumbled upon the small sentence before it which reads "The Lord is near."  What an amazing reminder for us that in the midst of the raging storm we are in we can have the assurance that the Lord is right by our side.  I know that when we do have children we will be met with a whole new set of fears.  However, I will always try to remember that the Lord is near.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Under the Sea

     Finally a light-hearted post that is completely dedicated to our nursery.  From the moment I knew I wanted children I began planning the room that my precious son or daughter would be staying in.  For the longest time, I knew that our nursery would be very gender specific, after all it wouldn't take us long to get pregnant.  The longer the wait became the more I had my heart set on not finding out the gender of our baby if we did end up pregnant.  We are still in the same situation with our adoption.  Being open to any gender was another way for us to be chosen faster.  However, I did not want to bring my tiny newborn home to some lifeless room, but I also didn't want it to be gender specific either. 
     We found our answer while on vacation in the summer of 2014.  Strolling through a Bed, Bath and Beyond in the small Vero Beach community in Florida, we found the canvas print that you see below on the left.  The colorful fish spoke to me and at that moment I knew that this was the start of our nursery.  Chase and I love everything about the beach and the ocean.  So much so that our master suite is a beach theme.  Upon returning home we found the canvas on the left at our Bed, Bath and Beyond closer to home.  My favorite pieces would have to be the three metal works of art we found this summer in Myrtle Beach which you see below as well.  They match perfectly with our already existing prints. 

 

     When we signed with Angel we began clearing out our front bedroom.  During our home visit for our home study the room was completely cleared and empty, but we hadn't begun painting yet.  I knew that with all the colorful art we were collecting that the wall color should be a neutral color.  Scouring the internet, I loved the gray color that I found on almost every trendy wall.  My dad is a very meticulous painter so I knew I could ask him and he would get the job done well.  He always pulls through.  Upon seeing the room I was initially nervous that I had chosen a color too dark, but I had to trust my decorating gut on this one because my end product looked amazing (maybe even magazine worthy) in my head. 

    

     Finally a few months later, our nursery is complete.  With the help of several Etsy shops and some amazingly talented store owners, I bring to you our nursery.  I was never set on a typical nursery set and glad I didn't settle for one.  Find pieces from the four winds sounded just like our style and possibly how we would find our Angel baby.  

     The jelly fish came from an Etsy shop and look even better in person.  The rocker (a personal favorite) is one that I finally found on Babies-R-Us (online only).  My wonderful mother bought it for us for Christmas. 

 

 

     The picture frames came from another Etsy shop.  They were a little pricy, but well put together and look phenomenal.  You can customize colors and sizes.  The canvas on the far left is from an Etsy shop as well and I made the other one.  In the shop you purchase the wording and can put in on canvas, frame, or wall art you want.  I used Wal-Mart and they were very affordable.  The net and the lettering came from my almost sister-in-law who helped throw our shower.  The "baby" will stay up until we have our little one in our arms.  To our families disappointment, we will not share the names we have picked.  I will say that they will fit in the space. 

 

     I had a blast finding the perfect piece to our nursery.  The planning, purchasing, and making sure everything is in place has been a genuine distraction.  I just pray that it will be filled with a sweet baby some day soon.  Others are reading this post and wondering why I put the cart before the horse.  I couldn't imagine bringing my first child home to a boring nursery.  It just isn't my style.  Every woman goes through the nesting phase of their pregnancy where she plans and cleans like crazy.  The best part of this phase is that she knows in a certain number weeks she will bring home a tiny bundle of joy to fill it.  Not having that luxury, I have tried to make the best of my current situation and nest a little myself.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.  

Dream a Little Dream

     Back in July of 2011, Chase and I along with my immediate family, took a family vacation to Panama City Beach, FL.  We had an amazing time.  Everyday at lunch, after a morning of playing in the ocean or reading on the beach, we would all go back up to our room and eat lunch.  I always chose to sit on the patio and look out at the clear blue water.  As you can see from the photo, we were pretty high up so the only sounds you could hear were the waves crashing on the shore. 
     Could life get any better than this?  At this point Chase and I had been married for a little over a year.  I began to think of how much fun it would be to bring a baby to the beach and watch him run to the oceans edge only to come running back because the waves were too big.  Packing would be a nightmare with all of the extra necessities, but all the cute outfits and swimsuits were just too much to resist.  The dreaming began. 
     We have been back to the beach with my family a total of 3 times now and we are still just dreaming about that beach baby.  However, I do not plan my vacation around a possible baby any more.  I will not allow myself to go there and think about all the different things we would do.  With each passing year, it is just another disappointment and a reminder that we still aren't a family of three on vacation.  When I dream of a vacation with a "baby" I begin to think that it will always be just that, a dream. 
     Again that's where hope comes into play.  One day we will have that sun-kissed beach baby, but until that time we will try our best to enjoy those beach days together.  After all some of my favorite memories have happened at the beach.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

What a Difference a Year Makes

     Ah, a snow day, I love being a teacher and I love my students.  Although, there is nothing better than getting a call saying it's too cold and snowy to come to school.  As I sit and gaze out my living room window at the peaceful woods behind our house, I can't help but think how different things were just a short year ago. 
     One year ago, I was waking up from a dreamless sleep in a hospital room after my D&C.  I remember the look on Chases face as I wiped the sleep from my eyes.  It was one of worry, and I couldn't figure out why.  Once I quite asking the same question over and over again, he asked if I knew what happened while I was under.  Thankfully, I had no clue that I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they gave me.  Nothing major just an all over rash; thus causing the short 15 minute procedure to turn into over 45 minutes in the operating room.  I thank God for the advances in modern medicine because the last thing I remember is the sweet doctor calmly talking to me and the nursing staff. 
     It's so crazy how we remember the littlest details about a certain an event.  I remember my awesome best friend kept tabs on me that early morning.  As I began to come around I wanted Chase to take a picture of me with a silly face and send it to her.  The no make-up shot plus the goofy face was hysterical and the caption read, "I don't think the meds have worn off yet."  She sent me back a message saying that she was in an important meeting and opened my message thinking it was an update.  It was an update all right.  Oops, being a responsible and mature adult is overrated in my book.  If I'm not laughing; I'm crying and I hate crying.  So, I would rather laugh situations out. 
     I type this all today not because I am sad.  I will always, always miss my sweet Peanut and think about him daily.  I wonder how big he would be, and what he would look like.  I type this out because in my Time Hop from a year ago I shared a blog post about our miscarriage.  However, another occasion popped up the same day 6 years earlier, which was a count down to our honeymoon in Hawaii.  Life is full of highs and some very low, lows, but there is always hope for the next day, week, month, or even year.  There is a beautiful song by Newsboys called "Your Love Never Fails".  My favorite lyric in the song is "there may be pain in the night but JOY comes in the morning".  God is so good to give us a promise of hope for the next day.  Even though we are still in the middle of our journey, I still have hope that the next day will always hold something new and better.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

 

I See You

I see you standing over there looking at me talking to the sweet blue-eyed baby in my arms. 
You don't know me and I don't know you.
I see you smile; unknowingly watching me cuddle and snuggle with him. 
You look on as I talk to him about all the people walking about.
You see me plant a kiss in his messy hair. 
You chuckle as I playfully blow a raspberry on his pudgy cheek.  
What you don't know is that he is not mine; he is my nephew. 
You see dear stranger for I minute I see what it must be like to watch a mother take care of her child. 
I feel the acceptance from you over an accomplishment I haven't yet made. 
You see dear stranger for just a minute you made me feel something that I have longed for since I was a little girl. 
You made me feel like a mother. 

O Christmas Tree

     O Christmas tree, you really are beautiful.  Each colored light sparkles in the darkness of our living room.  Every branch adorned with a memory of our marriage.  Your shining star gleams in the darkness like a beacon of hope for all the world awaiting Santa's arrival and the celebration of our Lord's birth.  The icing on the cake, tinsel (which my husband doesn't understand how to put on and can never seem to place just right) glistens on the tip of every branch. 
     Yet, looking at you as I have every night since putting you up, I cannot help but constantly think what a different sight you should have seen this year.  You should have seen a little baby perched right in front of you dressed in a "my first Christmas" outfit.  A baby straining to take hold of a branch or two and rob you of a few needles in hopes of grabbing a glittery ornament.  There should have been a multitude of perfectly wrapped packages around you this year.  On Christmas Eve you would have seen two giddy parents making sure everything was impeccable for their baby's first Christmas because you know all baby's remember their first Christmas.  You might have even seen a few family nights snuggled on the couch with a roaring fire burning this Christmas season.  From your position you would have seen love, joy, and so much happiness.
     What you saw instead was a couple trying to figure out how to survive their first Christmas without their baby that should have seen all of those things.  You watched as we wrapped fewer presents.  Ever glistening, you watched as we drank a little too much wine and held each other close just trying to survive the cheer of the holiday's without that precious child.  You heard endless conversation preps of our responses to what others might ask of us about our "family".  You stood silent as we quietly opened our presents from each other not wanting to mention how things would have been different this year around you, O Christmas tree. 
     Yes, dear Christmas tree, I know that you are not what makes the season merry, but some how you do.  Your presence seems to capture the magic and glow of the season.  As I look at you now, I can't help but pray that next year will be different.  Next year has something that every new year holds, hope.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

The Waiting Game

     Of all the hurdles we have had to jump through in the last three years, I have found the wait time of our adoption to be the most excruciating experience.  With our infertility journey, each new cycle presented itself with a method or steps to follow. 

1.  Begin cycle and track days
2.  Take meds cycle days 3-7
3.  Begin tracking ovulation on day 10
4.  On peak day have fun (or try to)
5.  Day 17 head to the lab for blood work to ensure of an ovulation serge 
6.  Wait until period begins (which is always inevitable)
7.  Cry, eat chocolate, call the doctor for more meds
8.  Repeat 
    
     Adoption, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game.  In the beginning it was stressful.  All the paperwork, making sure you have the correct forms, interviews, home visits and so much more were enough to push anyone off the deep end.  What I wasn't prepared for was the endless wait.  There is nothing to do.  We are at the mercy of the agency and potential birthmothers. 
     Just the other day I sent an email to Angel asking almost begging for something to be able to do.  I knew the answer to my foolish question was that we just had to wait, but I wanted to make sure.  I also know that our agency deals with a large amount of people, and there are other couples who have been waiting longer than we have.  She reminded me that we have only been waiting for 5 months and that the average wait time is 11-18 months.  I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't irritated.  I was a little ticked.  Yes, we have only been waiting 5 short months with you but that does not discount the years we have been waiting to become parents. 
     I am getting so tired of "waiting".  As of this moment we have been waiting to have a child for 3 years and 9 months.  Friends, cousins, and so many others have had children some even lapping me having their second child.  Here I sit with empty arms and a broken heart.  It seems like this period of my life will never end.  This post won't end with a good feeling or word to the wise because frankly I'm not very wise.  It will just simply end with what I have come to see as a period that might never end for me, the wait.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope.