Back in July of 2011, Chase and I along with my immediate family, took a family vacation to Panama City Beach, FL. We had an amazing time. Everyday at lunch, after a morning of playing in the ocean or reading on the beach, we would all go back up to our room and eat lunch. I always chose to sit on the patio and look out at the clear blue water. As you can see from the photo, we were pretty high up so the only sounds you could hear were the waves crashing on the shore.
Could life get any better than this? At this point Chase and I had been married for a little over a year. I began to think of how much fun it would be to bring a baby to the beach and watch him run to the oceans edge only to come running back because the waves were too big. Packing would be a nightmare with all of the extra necessities, but all the cute outfits and swimsuits were just too much to resist. The dreaming began.
We have been back to the beach with my family a total of 3 times now and we are still just dreaming about that beach baby. However, I do not plan my vacation around a possible baby any more. I will not allow myself to go there and think about all the different things we would do. With each passing year, it is just another disappointment and a reminder that we still aren't a family of three on vacation. When I dream of a vacation with a "baby" I begin to think that it will always be just that, a dream.
Again that's where hope comes into play. One day we will have that sun-kissed beach baby, but until that time we will try our best to enjoy those beach days together. After all some of my favorite memories have happened at the beach. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Ah, a snow day, I love being a teacher and I love my students. Although, there is nothing better than getting a call saying it's too cold and snowy to come to school. As I sit and gaze out my living room window at the peaceful woods behind our house, I can't help but think how different things were just a short year ago.
One year ago, I was waking up from a dreamless sleep in a hospital room after my D&C. I remember the look on Chases face as I wiped the sleep from my eyes. It was one of worry, and I couldn't figure out why. Once I quite asking the same question over and over again, he asked if I knew what happened while I was under. Thankfully, I had no clue that I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they gave me. Nothing major just an all over rash; thus causing the short 15 minute procedure to turn into over 45 minutes in the operating room. I thank God for the advances in modern medicine because the last thing I remember is the sweet doctor calmly talking to me and the nursing staff.
It's so crazy how we remember the littlest details about a certain an event. I remember my awesome best friend kept tabs on me that early morning. As I began to come around I wanted Chase to take a picture of me with a silly face and send it to her. The no make-up shot plus the goofy face was hysterical and the caption read, "I don't think the meds have worn off yet." She sent me back a message saying that she was in an important meeting and opened my message thinking it was an update. It was an update all right. Oops, being a responsible and mature adult is overrated in my book. If I'm not laughing; I'm crying and I hate crying. So, I would rather laugh situations out.
I type this all today not because I am sad. I will always, always miss my sweet Peanut and think about him daily. I wonder how big he would be, and what he would look like. I type this out because in my Time Hop from a year ago I shared a blog post about our miscarriage. However, another occasion popped up the same day 6 years earlier, which was a count down to our honeymoon in Hawaii. Life is full of highs and some very low, lows, but there is always hope for the next day, week, month, or even year. There is a beautiful song by Newsboys called "Your Love Never Fails". My favorite lyric in the song is "there may be pain in the night but JOY comes in the morning". God is so good to give us a promise of hope for the next day. Even though we are still in the middle of our journey, I still have hope that the next day will always hold something new and better. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.
I see you standing over there looking at me talking to the sweet blue-eyed baby in my arms.
You don't know me and I don't know you.
I see you smile; unknowingly watching me cuddle and snuggle with him.
You look on as I talk to him about all the people walking about.
You see me plant a kiss in his messy hair.
You chuckle as I playfully blow a raspberry on his pudgy cheek.
What you don't know is that he is not mine; he is my nephew.
You see dear stranger for I minute I see what it must be like to watch a mother take care of her child.
I feel the acceptance from you over an accomplishment I haven't yet made.
You see dear stranger for just a minute you made me feel something that I have longed for since I was a little girl.
You made me feel like a mother.
Back in July of 2011, Chase and I along with my immediate family, took a family vacation to Panama City Beach, FL. We had an amazing time. Everyday at lunch, after a morning of playing in the ocean or reading on the beach, we would all go back up to our room and eat lunch. I always chose to sit on the patio and look out at the clear blue water. As you can see from the photo, we were pretty high up so the only sounds you could hear were the waves crashing on the shore. 
