This is an odd title for sure. Most people write about the best days of their lives; like their wedding day, a special birthday or even the birth of their children. Well, let me start with what began as a happy day. On January 16, 2015, I had my first official OB appointment at Breese. I had already had a check up with my RE in STL and he released me to my regular OB. This day was just going to be a check-up day with blood work, more family history and the most exciting part another ultrasound. I was so excited to get to see my little peanut again, and hear his little heartbeat. The check-up began like every other one (or so I thought, I had never been to an appointment like this one). The nurse was super nice, explaining everything and what I need to do as far as blood work, a safe medications lists, foods to avoid, and a packet with even more information that I could possibly imagine. Then finally the ultrasound. She told me that it would be an internal ultrasound, and began to explain what I need to do, but being a infertility vet this wasn't my first time having an internal ultrasound. The doctor came in an checked me to make sure everything looked fine, and, of course, it did. Now to the fun part, seeing my little peanut again. Within seconds we were looking at peanut, but something in her voice didn't sound right. She told me that peanut wasn't measuring at 10 weeks, which was how far along I was, but only 8 weeks. I didn't think too much about it; maybe the RE's office had it wrong. She then asked one of the nurses to go get another doctor for confirmation. I'm still clueless, conformation of what? The other doctor comes in and looks and they finally tell me, they can't find a heartbeat. It took me at least 2 minutes to fully understand what they were saying. My baby doesn't have a heartbeat. My baby doesn't have a heartbeat. As calmly as I possibly can, I ask the staff to give us some time alone and completely lose it. Now, I have felt the heart ache of infertily and treatments being unsuccessful, but this is a whole new ballgame. A short 3 weeks ago we were looking at our peanut for the first time, and heard the precious beating of his heart. And now, they are telling me that there isn't a heartbeat; surely someone is wrong or lying to me. My sweet husband and I sit in that ultrasound room and cry our hearts out for what seemed like hours, but in reality it was probably just minutes. A million things running through my mind, but nothing really making sense. I don't think I have ever cried that hard in my life, my body shook and I just wanted to be sick.
Once I finally calmed down, the sweet doctor came back in to talk to us. She told us our options which included a D&C, or a medication that they could give me that would help me miscarry at home. Both of these options disgusted me (in my head these were just like aborting the baby; sadly, I had not realized that my little peanut no longer had a heartbeat). We left through the back door with the promise that they were going to call us in the next few days to see how we were doing. On the drive home I felt so numb and empty inside, like someone had ripped out my still-beating heart and threw it on the ground.
We told our immediate family and from there they spread the word. We've received many messages of people saying that are praying for us. I think people sometimes think that by saying I'm sorry for your loss isn't enough, but I will tell you right now, it is. Who knows what to say in a situation like this, I don't and I'm the one who experienced the loss. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do or how to act. I am so thankful of my family and friends who have been praying for us. Honestly, I think it's the only reason that I am able to type this 2 days after we got the news. Truth be told, I'm giving God the silent treatment at the moment. That's not to say we won't ever speak again, but I'm angry. After everything we have been through why now? Why this way? I will probably never get my answer, and that's ok. I don't think we always deserve one, but for now I'm angry. I'm heartbroken.
So, I am going to deal with this the only way I know how. When God and I are on speaking terms again, which I should say that we almost are, I will be praying like crazy for healing and peace. The other way I deal with the wonderful issue of infertility and now miscarriage is by talking and laughing about it. Most of you that read this know me well. I don't take things too seriously, I just can't, it isn't in my DNA. So when you see me out, don't give me that look of pity or shame, if you need to give me a hug, tell me you love me and that you're praying for me. That's all we can do. I know God has a perfect plan, I will say that until I die. Sometimes we wish we knew that plan was, but most of the time we don't. Until next time, as ALWAYS Chasing Hope!
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