Possible

      The first day of February started out like any other day.  Well, a day that I had taken off from school at least.  The night before I had been feeling very dizzy and nauseous.  Since I still had a few sick days left, I just called in to take it easy.  I had been working really hard lately with my thriving business as well as teaching during the day.  Naturally, I thought I had just pushed too hard, and my body was telling me to slow down.  On more than one occasion during my Sunday school class, the ladies have talked about pushing your body to the limits, and when you do, God will slow you down.  Maybe this was one of those times, and He was trying to teach this hard-headed woman another lesson.
     He was teaching me a lesson alright.  Let's put a pin in that story for a second.  (I promise I'll come back and it will all flow together.  The English teacher in me will make sure of it.)  Back at the beginning of the new year 2017, there was a great deal of talk on social media about choosing a word to define the year.  Thinking it might not be a bad idea I scoured the internet looking for a word that I would choose for my own this year.  The word I chose was POSSIBLE.  Having my word, I emailed my favorite cuff designer, Liz Taylor, to inscribe the word on a beautiful cuff as a visual reminder (I am defiantly a visual person).  After the last few months I needed a little attitude adjustment.  I had some big dreams for myself, my new business, and my slowly growing family.  Matthew 19:26 came into my thoughts constantly; which says, "Jesus said, "with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'."  With the past year we had I needed something new and fresh to start my year.  What better way than reminding myself that the God who created the heavens and the earth loves me and with Him anything is truly possible.
     Back to my day off, I rested a good portion of the day and decided it was time to get up and moving.  On a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I always keep a few lying around the house just to rule that out (after years of waiting and testing, one never knows when you might want to test).  Having only one test I sat down to take it.  Wouldn't know you that sucker read positive.  Now I'll shamefully admit that my first thought was not joy, it was pure irritation.  Irritated that I bought a cheap test and now it was reading a wrong answer.  It took me about 5 minutes to call Chase and ask him to bring home more tests; preferably the expensive kind and lots.
     While waiting for Chase to get off work and come home, I remember praying that if it is a false positive that we would be shown.  I wasn't ready to lose another baby.  With tears in my eyes I asked God to take control.  When Chase arrived home and I took the next 2 tests (just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind completely) and they both were positive, I think we both sat in shock for a while.  My mind began to run wild with different possibilities and situations.  As quickly as they came I had to shut them down.  I would lose sleep thinking about it and probably did those first few weeks.
     To be completely honest, I don't think I started breathing normally until after we reached the 12 weeks.  I still don't think that it has really sunk in that I'm pregnant and I'm close to the half way mark. The reality of this pregnancy still throws me off most days.  This has been a hard fought dream and it still feels like just that, a dream.  My heart rate still rises when a new unknown pain or ache comes on.  The only thing that I can think is, "is this it, will we lose this baby too".  The only thing I ever cling to is hope.  Hope and faith that God has this and always will.  After all with God all things are possible.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.

Blowing Off the Cobwebs

     I cannot believe it has been almost a year since my last post.  Deleting old posts and starting completely fresh seemed to be the best option to revive this blog.  Things have drastically changed in the past year for my little family.
     In April 2016, I opened my own clothing boutique with LuLaRoe.  What started out as a way for me to stay busy during the summer and make a little extra money for my little family turned into this living breathing organism.  Fire caught and I became one busy chick.
     With summer coming rather quickly and the school year drawing to a close, I wanted to get back to writing.  Writing has been a great vessel for me to jot down my thoughts through this process of starting our family.  I never wanted it to only focus on the positives (unicorns and sunshine) of our journey because quite frankly that's not how life works.  I wanted it to be real and raw.
     To be honest the other reason I went on a little hiatus was due to the fact that I didn't know what to write anymore.  I have always felt the same during this process with a little growth along the way.  Nothing new ever jumped into my brain and quite frankly I didn't want to begin repeating myself.  After all who wants to read the same material over and over again?  I wouldn't and I don't expect you would either.  There have been times when I knew I needed to open up blogger again and pour out some feelings.  However, it had been so long I wasn't sure I would still be able to.  But the word "quit" isn't in my vocabulary.  So sit back, relax, read and please share if you know someone who this blog might help.  As always Chasing Hope.

Tick Tock

     There are days were I have the hardest time seeing through the lining of our journey to a time when we will have children.  When this journey started I was a young 23 years of age.  I had those baby goggles on.  Thoughts of nurseries, maternity pants, and that baby lotion smell took up my every waking thought.  Never did it occur to me that it wouldn't take more than a year tops until we had our precious family of three. 
     Here we are four long difficult years later and I will be turning 27 within the week with no baby cradled in my arms.  I know that most of my more mature readers are rolling their eyes at my age.  By so many different standards and people, I am still young and to an extent I would agree to that.  When we had our first RE visit, Dr. O wasn't too concerned because I was still so young.  Even our adoption agency said that my age would be a benefit and potential mothers would see my young age as another advantage for their child. 
     When I was a little girl, I loved taking care of my babies and even had a baby that I named Baby (unique I know).  Aside from playing teacher, mommy was the role I have always loved best.  With each passing year it's another painful reminder that I have not met my lifelong goal.  I know God has a plan and I trust that.  I just wish sometimes He would let me in on a few key details, but that's not how He works.  Once again, here we wait; always praying.  So until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

No News

     I am pretty sure there is a country song with this title.  It has been a few months since I have posted an update and really since I have posted period.  There isn't much to report other than that our profile is being shown more.  We are just waiting for God to bring us to the right mother and child.  We ask for your continued prayers.  More specifically for the mother that she is safe and healthy and that she is led to us.  We have been praying for God to send us to the right situation.  We have discussed many times how we would rather have no match than to have a match fail.  For us, it would be the equivalent of a miscarriage.  Again, we thank you for all of your prayer and support.  Some day this will be a long joyful post.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

When Pigs Fly

     We have all heard the expression "when pigs fly" used a time or two.  Usually, it is paired with a negative comment or remark.  In todays post, it will be giving us hope. 
     Several months ago, I read the best devotion in my monthly women's devotional magazine.  The author was talking about how her mother kept telling her about how she had picked out the perfect birthday present for her.  Her mother went on and on about how she was going to love this present.  When the present was finally opened the package contained a rather large pig with wings. 
     Baffled as to why on earth her mother would buy her such an odd present, her mother went on to explain that the flying pig is a reminder that nothing (not even a flying pig) is impossible with God. 
     I really wish I would have cut out and kept that devotional.  It made such an impression on me that I made it my mission to find a flying pig for my house.  I looked high and low.  I finally found the cute little guy you see in the photo in a resale shop in Brandon, MO.  He sits right next to me every night when I watch TV, read, blog, or fill out adoption paper work. 
     Keeping this post short and sweet, I just want to remind you (and myself) that no matter what you are dealing with right now; nothing (not even a flying pig) is impossible with God.  He is the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Great I Am, and so much more.  He parted seas, healed the sick, raised the dead, and created the universe.  No problem is too great or too big.  So, what is your flying pig?  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~ Matthew 19:26

When the Time Comes

     Recently we had some excitement on the adoption front, but before you get too excited it did not end with us becoming parents.  A wonderful friend of mine called me and told me that she had heard of a baby that had been born and the mother told the doctor that she wanted to sign over her rights (she wanted to put her baby up for adoption).  The doctor talked to his wife who in turn talked to my friend and this thoughtful friend thought of me.  (I know she will read this and I pray she won't be upset with me sharing with all of you.)  Even though the infant was placed with a local family, we became aware of a few things that needed to be discussed.  Questions like: who does the mother need to contact if you hear of someone wanting to sign over rights, the mother should make contact with me.  With a better plan in mind, I can't help but think about all of the thoughts that entered my mind in the three short hours where we didn't know what would happen or if we would be parents. 

     Mentally, I began packing our things in my head.  We have a small basic baby bag packed at all times that is bulging at the seams.  What would we really need to take with us that wasn't already in that bag? 
     As far as school was concerned, I would email the rest of my lesson plans for that week to whoever took my place.  I love my students and my job but this call was so much bigger.  Thankfully, my students know all about our adoption and would adapt to whatever happened in my absence. 
     I began to think about how reassuring it would be to have a friend near while we were waiting for our Interstate Compact to go through (this is the legal action that allows us to cross back into Illinois legally with our new baby).  And who's not to say that my mother or my mother-in-law wouldn't jump in the car and visit us.  Ultimately, my mind drifted to our son or daughter.  I did not know the gender of the baby, but my mind went wild with all of the possibilities of what the baby looked like, how much did he or she weigh, and what his or her health condition was. 
     As I impatiently waited to hear back from my friend, I found myself in a constant state of prayer.  The fact that this could be the day was both amazing and terrifying all at once.  The only prayer that I could utter was, "Lord, completely open the door so wide that the hinges would fly off, or slam it shut in our faces."  The harshness of the latter was and will never be lost on me.  On more than one occasion, I have been on the slamming side of that door and, man, can it hurt.  Every time I uttered that prayer I would add in that if the door was closed that I would be able to move past the devastation quickly. 
     When the door was finally closed on this situation for good, I couldn't help but cry a little.  But God is so good; He always picks up the pieces of my broken heart and puts them back together.  Looking back on this situation, I can't help but think of the whirlwind that could be our adoption call.  We could be connected with our birthmother when she is 7 months along and have time to get to know her or we could get the call saying we have been chosen and the baby is here.  If the latter occurs, the chaos that will ensue will be epic (and I never use that word lightly as my students love to over use it).  This "false alarm" has been an affirmation that when the time does come I can switch into crazy planner mode in a matter of seconds (something that up until this point has been sitting idle, which has been driving me crazy).  At that point everything will cease to exist but getting to our baby.  Until next time, impatiently waiting and always Chasing Hope. 

Fear Not

     Growing up I have always been afraid of something.  In general most people are or we wouldn't be human.  I hate spiders, storms, and bees (which includes anything with a stinger protruding out of its rear end).  The one thing that has always topped the true fear chart was not being able to have a baby.  I have always had this feeling that I would have a hard time getting pregnant.  As life would have it, I was correct.  When your worse fear becomes a reality I think either 2 things can happen 1) you let it consume you (I will say at times I let it) or 2) you put on your big girl panties and face it straight on with a whole lot of help from God.  I eventually chose option number 2. 
     Upon conquering an old fear, wouldn't you know that a new one appeared.  The day I found out I was pregnant was the most shocking experience of my life.  I did not allow myself the joy of getting excited until I had blood work done to ensure that I was pregnant.  In reality, I wasn't 100% sure of our pregnancy until I had the ultrasound and heard that precious heartbeat.  At that moment a new fear entered my brain what if I lose this baby?  Sadly, that fear did not have enough time to manifest itself because we lost our little Peanut a few weeks after hearing his heartbeat. 
     Chase and I have talked about adopting for several years and when the door was opened to us again we took that as God telling us it was time.  With every new adventure new fears will slowly creep in.  I don't know how many times someone asked a silly question like: "What if the mother changes her mind?"  More times than not, I want to just laugh and tell them if they have thought of that situation, then I have thought of ten different scenarios that could play out ten different ways. 
     Life is full of worry and anxiety.  When one disappears you can be sure that another will soon take its place.  The real question is will you let that fear/worry/anxiety or whatever, control you?
     A favorite verse of mine has always been: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  (Philippians 4:6)  It wasn't until recently that I was reading through the whole books of Philippians that I stumbled upon the small sentence before it which reads "The Lord is near."  What an amazing reminder for us that in the midst of the raging storm we are in we can have the assurance that the Lord is right by our side.  I know that when we do have children we will be met with a whole new set of fears.  However, I will always try to remember that the Lord is near.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope.