Over three months ago, WOW, I had the privilege to watch one of the most beautiful things, probably, in the entire world. I got to witness my best friend give birth to her first born. Let me back up about 25 years. I have known my best friend for as long as I can remember. Our mom's were best friends, thus it was destiny for us as well. She hasn't always lived close, but we've stayed in touch through high school and even college. We were maid of honors at our weddings, and we've seen so much together.
So, when she found out she was expecting her first, naturally I was so excited. Yet, at the same time I was an emotional mess. We had been struggling to start our own family for so long, and it just wasn't (still isn't) working for us. My heart sinks just writing this, but at that moment I was so jealous I almost couldn't stand myself. How on earth could I be so self-centered and worry about my own problems when she was getting ready to experience the biggest blessing in the world, a sweet baby. Sadly, I struggled throughout those nine months, until I got a call Saturday morning on October 25, 2014. It was my mother, she was asking if I had talked to my BF's mom. I told her I hadn't due to the fact that cell service at our house is horrible. My mom proceeded to say that my BF was in labor and was wondering if I was going to go to the hospital. At this point I was going to hold out and possibly wait until the baby came (they lived 1 1/2 hour away and the hospital was another 30 minutes away). I told her my plan and she asked if I knew that my BF wanted me in the delivery room when she delivered. I don't know if it was all the extra hormones left over from the fertility treatments, but I started bawling like a baby, and told my mother I would shower, throw some clothes in a bag, and we would drive as fast as we could to get there. I think I set a world record for myself. I showered, applied make-up, and did my hair in 20 minutes. It usually takes me a good 45 minutes to get ready, but we didn't have time to waste.
Upon arrival, we waited for 8 hours for my new nephew to show up. It seemed like a week until she was ready to push. Now, I have never had children or witnessed a birth before (yes, not even in health class, I looked away). As I am coaching my best friend through her labor, I had this sense that I was meant to be there. Then in the blink of an eye his little head popped out. Through tears in my eyes, I coached her through the last leg of the labor, out popped my little red-headed nephew, and I completely lost it. All the pain, and sorrow I had ever felt throughout our trying to conceive journey just faded away. All of my focus was on that sweet little baby laying on the weighing table. Only a perfect God could design a woman's body to accomplish such a miraculous feat. I know that the birth of my own children will be just as great, but at this moment this is at the top of my life's highlights. It might be one point higher than my wedding day (sorry honey). I will always remember that day, and will always be grateful that they included me in the delivery of their first baby. I just pray that one day I will be able to repay the favor of letting her be in the delivery room when it's our turn. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Chasing Hope Choosing Joy
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
How I Cope
Throughout this journey there are have been good days, and days where it is hard to get out of bed, and take a shower. The best way to describe it would be the craziest roller coaster you have ever been on. Oh, and I should mention I HATE roller coasters, they make me sick. A good day would be a new procedure they are going to try, after all it might work. Now, a terrible day, you've waited those dreaded 2 weeks, and it's time to either start the cycle or take the test. I always opt to wait for the cycle, but on the off chance that I test; I am once again reminded that I am alone, one pink line. So, to deal with this crazy mess that I call my life right now. I find comfort in multiple outlets like, reading. I am a huge nerd and if I could I would read on the couch all day. Thankfully, I have an amazing job where I get to help my students find their love of reading. My other major outlet is children. Now, you might think that to be a little crazy because, after all, I want children and it just isn't working for me. Yet, I have found that children are my coping mechanism. It doesn't matter if they are an infant, toddler, a six year old, or even in Jr. High. I have realized that when I surround myself with them the pain goes away.
Now, the opposite can be said for those who are pregnant. I don't know what it is but (well that's just not true I know exactly what it is, jealousy, and I hate it) I have a difficult time being around them. They possess the one thing that, for the life of me, I cannot obtain, the pregnant belly with a baby inside. So, if you find that you are pregnant and we don't talk much in the next nine months please, don't take it to heart. It is just really hard for me to be around you because the reminder is always right in front of me.
The same can be said for attending baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for the mommy-to-be I just can't be around all of the baby reminders. The baby clothes, cribs, and adorable decorations are just too much for me to bear. I will always support my family and friends who are pregnant by buying gifts, but please don't be upset if I send it with a friend or other family member.
However, as soon as that sweet little baby makes his debut I'm awestruck. I have a weakness for children no matter the age. How can I possibly pass up the kissable baby, or the toddler who taunts me to "chase" them. I simply can't. I have friends who sometimes ask if it's ok , and I think are hesitant, at times, to bring their children around me. In this post I am crushing that thought. I couldn't imagine NOT seeing that sweet child, how much they have grown, and that they have skipped walking and are running around grabbing everything. The answer will always be, YES, I want you to bring them so I can shower them with 100 kisses, maybe I should start wearing lipstick. Know that I love them almost as much as you do and always will. So, I hope this post clears up a few things about how I personally cope with the hand we have been dealt. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Now, the opposite can be said for those who are pregnant. I don't know what it is but (well that's just not true I know exactly what it is, jealousy, and I hate it) I have a difficult time being around them. They possess the one thing that, for the life of me, I cannot obtain, the pregnant belly with a baby inside. So, if you find that you are pregnant and we don't talk much in the next nine months please, don't take it to heart. It is just really hard for me to be around you because the reminder is always right in front of me.
The same can be said for attending baby showers. It isn't that I'm not happy for the mommy-to-be I just can't be around all of the baby reminders. The baby clothes, cribs, and adorable decorations are just too much for me to bear. I will always support my family and friends who are pregnant by buying gifts, but please don't be upset if I send it with a friend or other family member.
However, as soon as that sweet little baby makes his debut I'm awestruck. I have a weakness for children no matter the age. How can I possibly pass up the kissable baby, or the toddler who taunts me to "chase" them. I simply can't. I have friends who sometimes ask if it's ok , and I think are hesitant, at times, to bring their children around me. In this post I am crushing that thought. I couldn't imagine NOT seeing that sweet child, how much they have grown, and that they have skipped walking and are running around grabbing everything. The answer will always be, YES, I want you to bring them so I can shower them with 100 kisses, maybe I should start wearing lipstick. Know that I love them almost as much as you do and always will. So, I hope this post clears up a few things about how I personally cope with the hand we have been dealt. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Remembering our Peanut
It's been a week since we found out that our little Peanut no longer had a heartbeat. I am still overwhelmed by all the love and support we have received. From the bottom of my heart, I thank you. I have also had several people tell me that they love my blog, which came as a complete shock. I have found that writing helps to clear my head, especially through all of the ups and downs we have experienced. If you know someone who is going through the same things we are, please share my link. I just want women to know that they are not alone.
Now, for the real reason behind this post, remembering my sweet Peanut. When I went to have my D&C, I was asked what we wanted to do with the baby after they did some testing. We were told the day before that this would be asked, and I'm so glad the nurse prepared us for this question because at that moment I wasn't sure. Chase and I discussed that we were just going to use the memorial service that the hospital provided twice a year. It sounded like the best option for us. So, this April we will be going to a service in honor of all of the loved ones lost. The woman taking our information asked what we wanted our memorial to say as far as the name for the baby, Baby Hyde? I told her since we weren't going to find out the sex we took to calling the baby, Peanut and that's what we wanted it to say, Peanut Hyde. Sounds a little funny, I know, but that's how I will remember my first baby as our little Peanut.
Of course, this could not be the only way we remember our sweet Peanut. In addition to the memorial, in the spring we are going to plant a fairly mature tree in our front yard. When we built our house, we had to tear down all the trees in the front yard due to the construction of the house. So, we thought it would be a beautiful memorial for us in our front yard. Every time we look out our front windows we will see an ever growing, strong and healthy tree. We haven't decided on what kind of tree to plant yet, Chase is looking for the perfect one (as always). We will be able to tell our children (biological or adopted, probably both), that mommy and daddy had another baby named Peanut, that had to go meet Jesus. This tree reminds us of Peanut; it gives us shade when we fish, turns pretty colors in the fall, and blooms in the spring. It will always be a sweet reminder of the life we created and lost too soon. As always, Chasing Hope.
Now, for the real reason behind this post, remembering my sweet Peanut. When I went to have my D&C, I was asked what we wanted to do with the baby after they did some testing. We were told the day before that this would be asked, and I'm so glad the nurse prepared us for this question because at that moment I wasn't sure. Chase and I discussed that we were just going to use the memorial service that the hospital provided twice a year. It sounded like the best option for us. So, this April we will be going to a service in honor of all of the loved ones lost. The woman taking our information asked what we wanted our memorial to say as far as the name for the baby, Baby Hyde? I told her since we weren't going to find out the sex we took to calling the baby, Peanut and that's what we wanted it to say, Peanut Hyde. Sounds a little funny, I know, but that's how I will remember my first baby as our little Peanut.
Of course, this could not be the only way we remember our sweet Peanut. In addition to the memorial, in the spring we are going to plant a fairly mature tree in our front yard. When we built our house, we had to tear down all the trees in the front yard due to the construction of the house. So, we thought it would be a beautiful memorial for us in our front yard. Every time we look out our front windows we will see an ever growing, strong and healthy tree. We haven't decided on what kind of tree to plant yet, Chase is looking for the perfect one (as always). We will be able to tell our children (biological or adopted, probably both), that mommy and daddy had another baby named Peanut, that had to go meet Jesus. This tree reminds us of Peanut; it gives us shade when we fish, turns pretty colors in the fall, and blooms in the spring. It will always be a sweet reminder of the life we created and lost too soon. As always, Chasing Hope.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
So much love
The last few days have been a whirl wind, from finding out our good news gone bad, to having a D&C. I have had so many family and friends come up to me, or my mom, and share heartbreaking stories of their losses. When we were at the doctor's office on Friday the doctor told us that 1 in 8 women will experience a miscarriage. At that moment, I thought she was just quoting a statistic to me. However, learning that so many women have experienced the same heartbreak and loneliness that Chase and I have felt is some what comforting.
While riding home on Friday, I felt so foolish for telling so many people about our little peanut. I had read and known all the risks about telling friends and family before 12 weeks. But now, hearing about how many other women have gone through the same thing, I'm glad we told the ones we care about and love. The outpouring from family and friends has been so amazing, from people praying, to others bringing us food, and even receiving cards. The best thing that people have done is pray for us. I know that's part of the reason why I am able to get out of bed and feel "ok" most days. I have just felt a kind of peace that I know is coming from the flood of prayers for us. Thank each and every one of you for your support during this difficult time. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
While riding home on Friday, I felt so foolish for telling so many people about our little peanut. I had read and known all the risks about telling friends and family before 12 weeks. But now, hearing about how many other women have gone through the same thing, I'm glad we told the ones we care about and love. The outpouring from family and friends has been so amazing, from people praying, to others bringing us food, and even receiving cards. The best thing that people have done is pray for us. I know that's part of the reason why I am able to get out of bed and feel "ok" most days. I have just felt a kind of peace that I know is coming from the flood of prayers for us. Thank each and every one of you for your support during this difficult time. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
The worst day of my life
This is an odd title for sure. Most people write about the best days of their lives; like their wedding day, a special birthday or even the birth of their children. Well, let me start with what began as a happy day. On January 16, 2015, I had my first official OB appointment at Breese. I had already had a check up with my RE in STL and he released me to my regular OB. This day was just going to be a check-up day with blood work, more family history and the most exciting part another ultrasound. I was so excited to get to see my little peanut again, and hear his little heartbeat. The check-up began like every other one (or so I thought, I had never been to an appointment like this one). The nurse was super nice, explaining everything and what I need to do as far as blood work, a safe medications lists, foods to avoid, and a packet with even more information that I could possibly imagine. Then finally the ultrasound. She told me that it would be an internal ultrasound, and began to explain what I need to do, but being a infertility vet this wasn't my first time having an internal ultrasound. The doctor came in an checked me to make sure everything looked fine, and, of course, it did. Now to the fun part, seeing my little peanut again. Within seconds we were looking at peanut, but something in her voice didn't sound right. She told me that peanut wasn't measuring at 10 weeks, which was how far along I was, but only 8 weeks. I didn't think too much about it; maybe the RE's office had it wrong. She then asked one of the nurses to go get another doctor for confirmation. I'm still clueless, conformation of what? The other doctor comes in and looks and they finally tell me, they can't find a heartbeat. It took me at least 2 minutes to fully understand what they were saying. My baby doesn't have a heartbeat. My baby doesn't have a heartbeat. As calmly as I possibly can, I ask the staff to give us some time alone and completely lose it. Now, I have felt the heart ache of infertily and treatments being unsuccessful, but this is a whole new ballgame. A short 3 weeks ago we were looking at our peanut for the first time, and heard the precious beating of his heart. And now, they are telling me that there isn't a heartbeat; surely someone is wrong or lying to me. My sweet husband and I sit in that ultrasound room and cry our hearts out for what seemed like hours, but in reality it was probably just minutes. A million things running through my mind, but nothing really making sense. I don't think I have ever cried that hard in my life, my body shook and I just wanted to be sick.
Once I finally calmed down, the sweet doctor came back in to talk to us. She told us our options which included a D&C, or a medication that they could give me that would help me miscarry at home. Both of these options disgusted me (in my head these were just like aborting the baby; sadly, I had not realized that my little peanut no longer had a heartbeat). We left through the back door with the promise that they were going to call us in the next few days to see how we were doing. On the drive home I felt so numb and empty inside, like someone had ripped out my still-beating heart and threw it on the ground.
We told our immediate family and from there they spread the word. We've received many messages of people saying that are praying for us. I think people sometimes think that by saying I'm sorry for your loss isn't enough, but I will tell you right now, it is. Who knows what to say in a situation like this, I don't and I'm the one who experienced the loss. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do or how to act. I am so thankful of my family and friends who have been praying for us. Honestly, I think it's the only reason that I am able to type this 2 days after we got the news. Truth be told, I'm giving God the silent treatment at the moment. That's not to say we won't ever speak again, but I'm angry. After everything we have been through why now? Why this way? I will probably never get my answer, and that's ok. I don't think we always deserve one, but for now I'm angry. I'm heartbroken.
So, I am going to deal with this the only way I know how. When God and I are on speaking terms again, which I should say that we almost are, I will be praying like crazy for healing and peace. The other way I deal with the wonderful issue of infertility and now miscarriage is by talking and laughing about it. Most of you that read this know me well. I don't take things too seriously, I just can't, it isn't in my DNA. So when you see me out, don't give me that look of pity or shame, if you need to give me a hug, tell me you love me and that you're praying for me. That's all we can do. I know God has a perfect plan, I will say that until I die. Sometimes we wish we knew that plan was, but most of the time we don't. Until next time, as ALWAYS Chasing Hope!
Once I finally calmed down, the sweet doctor came back in to talk to us. She told us our options which included a D&C, or a medication that they could give me that would help me miscarry at home. Both of these options disgusted me (in my head these were just like aborting the baby; sadly, I had not realized that my little peanut no longer had a heartbeat). We left through the back door with the promise that they were going to call us in the next few days to see how we were doing. On the drive home I felt so numb and empty inside, like someone had ripped out my still-beating heart and threw it on the ground.
We told our immediate family and from there they spread the word. We've received many messages of people saying that are praying for us. I think people sometimes think that by saying I'm sorry for your loss isn't enough, but I will tell you right now, it is. Who knows what to say in a situation like this, I don't and I'm the one who experienced the loss. I have no clue what I'm supposed to do or how to act. I am so thankful of my family and friends who have been praying for us. Honestly, I think it's the only reason that I am able to type this 2 days after we got the news. Truth be told, I'm giving God the silent treatment at the moment. That's not to say we won't ever speak again, but I'm angry. After everything we have been through why now? Why this way? I will probably never get my answer, and that's ok. I don't think we always deserve one, but for now I'm angry. I'm heartbroken.
So, I am going to deal with this the only way I know how. When God and I are on speaking terms again, which I should say that we almost are, I will be praying like crazy for healing and peace. The other way I deal with the wonderful issue of infertility and now miscarriage is by talking and laughing about it. Most of you that read this know me well. I don't take things too seriously, I just can't, it isn't in my DNA. So when you see me out, don't give me that look of pity or shame, if you need to give me a hug, tell me you love me and that you're praying for me. That's all we can do. I know God has a perfect plan, I will say that until I die. Sometimes we wish we knew that plan was, but most of the time we don't. Until next time, as ALWAYS Chasing Hope!
Two Pink Lines - Our Little Miracle
As I sit here writing this post, I can't help but feel a little silly about sharing our journey. No sooner did I start this blog, but shared it on Facebook as well, did we find out that we are PREGNANT! I know I was as shocked as you are. Now, I want to clear a few things up because people have told me "I knew it, you just needed to RELAX." This couldn't be farther from the truth. We were on a break from all of our RE visits, medications, and so on. "Just relaxing" happens to couples in the first 12 months of trying not to those who have tried for almost 3 years. With that being said, I will give credit where credit IS due. The reason that we are pregnant is that God decided we were ready. He chose this moment to give us the biggest blessing in the entire world. I also have to give a little credit to my RE. Now, I know most of you will say he didn't do anything, but I strongly disagree. He was the one who started us with medications, which I believe led me to ovulate (which I don't think would have happened without us seeing him). Well, of course, I couldn't leave out the part that Chase and I had in it because it wouldn't be possible without us. ;) But, the big thing here is that our little peanut had everything to do with God's perfect timing and planning. With all that cleared up let's get to the really good part, how we really found out.
About mid-December, I had not started my next cycle. I had a regular cycle in October ,but skipped November altogether (which isn't uncommon for me). Well, by December I just couldn't figure out what was wrong. I wanted to call the RE so they could get me started on some meds to get my cycle back to normal, but Chase kept reminding me that the office would ask if I had taken a HPT (home pregnancy test), and several times I would mention this and he would say the same thing back to me. I think on more than one occasion I told him he could pee on it. I have taken at least 30 in the 2 1/2 years that we have been trying and they are ALWAYS negative. Well, we went to the store on December 13, 2014 (12-13-14), and ended up buying some. The cashier was so nice and even told me good luck. I told her she might have better luck than I (this should have been my first clue). We went home and actually ended up taking a nap, for some reason that trip took all my energy away (clue number 2). The whole week before I had been having cramping, like a cycle was coming on. So knowing my body I just thought it was coming, but it didn't and it didn't (third clue). So I get up from my nap, and know it's time to test (I really had to go). I peed in my cup and sang my song (to the tune of Red Solo Cup by Toby Keith - My peeing cup, I fill you up, let's make a baby). The sad thing is I really did sing this every time I peed in one of those silly cups to test my OPKs or HPTs. I used the test and within 10 seconds two very dark lines appeared. Now, I'm going to be honest, so don't think I'm horrible, I was angry. I thought the test was lying to me, after all this time and testing so much I knew it had to be wrong. I had just bought the cheap ones because I was tired of spending so much money on the "good" tests. I yelled at Chase to "go look at that stupid test" and I quote. I used the second one in the box and we went back to Wal-Mart that night to get more tests because surely there had to be some mistake. After 4 tests I called the REs office and asked if they would sign off on some blood work ,and, of course, they did. On Wednesday, December 17, 2014 at 9:30am it was confirmed that we were pregnant. I was also in the middle of my school day and couldn't break down in a crying dance, but when we got home we sure did celebrate and cry a little.
We told all of our families over the Christmas holiday and the look on all their faces was priceless. The day after Christmas we went to our RE in STL for a appointment. We had an ultrasound and got to see our little peanut and even hear his heartbeat. It was music to my hears. I have never, nor will I ever hear anything that wonderful in my life again (unless it's another baby of course). I am currently 9 weeks along and feeling great.
Back to feeling silly about posting this for everyone to see, I'm glad I started this blog. There are so many women out there who have experienced some kind of infertility or loss. I think the point of this and always will be to encourage others. I never claim to be perfect, nor do I think I ever will be. I'm just a girl who loves my God, lives in the country, teaches at a little school, and loves her family. Until next time always Chasing Hope.
About mid-December, I had not started my next cycle. I had a regular cycle in October ,but skipped November altogether (which isn't uncommon for me). Well, by December I just couldn't figure out what was wrong. I wanted to call the RE so they could get me started on some meds to get my cycle back to normal, but Chase kept reminding me that the office would ask if I had taken a HPT (home pregnancy test), and several times I would mention this and he would say the same thing back to me. I think on more than one occasion I told him he could pee on it. I have taken at least 30 in the 2 1/2 years that we have been trying and they are ALWAYS negative. Well, we went to the store on December 13, 2014 (12-13-14), and ended up buying some. The cashier was so nice and even told me good luck. I told her she might have better luck than I (this should have been my first clue). We went home and actually ended up taking a nap, for some reason that trip took all my energy away (clue number 2). The whole week before I had been having cramping, like a cycle was coming on. So knowing my body I just thought it was coming, but it didn't and it didn't (third clue). So I get up from my nap, and know it's time to test (I really had to go). I peed in my cup and sang my song (to the tune of Red Solo Cup by Toby Keith - My peeing cup, I fill you up, let's make a baby). The sad thing is I really did sing this every time I peed in one of those silly cups to test my OPKs or HPTs. I used the test and within 10 seconds two very dark lines appeared. Now, I'm going to be honest, so don't think I'm horrible, I was angry. I thought the test was lying to me, after all this time and testing so much I knew it had to be wrong. I had just bought the cheap ones because I was tired of spending so much money on the "good" tests. I yelled at Chase to "go look at that stupid test" and I quote. I used the second one in the box and we went back to Wal-Mart that night to get more tests because surely there had to be some mistake. After 4 tests I called the REs office and asked if they would sign off on some blood work ,and, of course, they did. On Wednesday, December 17, 2014 at 9:30am it was confirmed that we were pregnant. I was also in the middle of my school day and couldn't break down in a crying dance, but when we got home we sure did celebrate and cry a little.
We told all of our families over the Christmas holiday and the look on all their faces was priceless. The day after Christmas we went to our RE in STL for a appointment. We had an ultrasound and got to see our little peanut and even hear his heartbeat. It was music to my hears. I have never, nor will I ever hear anything that wonderful in my life again (unless it's another baby of course). I am currently 9 weeks along and feeling great.
Back to feeling silly about posting this for everyone to see, I'm glad I started this blog. There are so many women out there who have experienced some kind of infertility or loss. I think the point of this and always will be to encourage others. I never claim to be perfect, nor do I think I ever will be. I'm just a girl who loves my God, lives in the country, teaches at a little school, and loves her family. Until next time always Chasing Hope.
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