Why I Blog

     I've been blogging now for a few months and wanted this post to be about the purpose of my blog, Chasing Hope.  It began as a way for me to express myself throughout this trial in my life.  My ramblings are just a small fraction of the junk that runs through my brain.  There are times that starting a family has completely consumed my every waking thought.  Let me tell you it's exhausting.  I have found that by writing down some of what I'm feeling those emotions begin to melt away some of the stress and worry. 
     Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that people would actually enjoy something that I have written.  I feel so honored that all of you are actually reading my babblings.  However, there is so much of this journey that I will never share; there have been countless posts that been have written only to be deleted after writing. 
     The intent of this blog is not a woe is me; my life is so hard.  If it ever gets there I will be deleting it.  Also, I read 99% of my blog posts to Chase and always ask his opinion because I don't want to be that person who whines about their troubles on the internet.  With that cleared up I just want to say thank you again to all of you who take the time out of your crazy lives to read about mine.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

Peanut's Memorial

     This past weekend we attended St. Josephs Hospital's Memorial Service for recent miscarried babies.   I will shamefully admit that we were 5 minutes late and by that time the service had already ended.  Granted, I over-looked an important piece of information which was to call pastoral care and let them know we were coming.  It was such a let down.  The designated area was nice, but I felt like it was to impersonal.  I guess I was holding to much hope in the fact that this service might bring a little more closure to our loss of our sweet Peanut.  For me, it did everything but bring me closure. 
     After the services, we changed out of our nice clothes and set out to Lowes in hopes of finding our closure.  I wrote in an earlier post that we were going to plant a tree in our front yard come spring.  Well, it's spring and what better day to go and get our "Peanut" tree than the day of the memorial. 
     Upon arriving at Lowes, we headed straight to the garden section along with the rest of the spring crowd.  This past weekend started out very dreary (which reflected out mood), but turned out to be a beautiful day so naturally everyone needed to start buying their plants for the year.  Before we walked into the section, I knew I wanted a maple.  We have one in our back yard and this past fall it was a gorgeous tree, turning a bright orange.  We had just walked into a section and I quickly noticed the perfect tree.  Standing at over 8 feet tall, there it was and the best part was the name of the tree, a Celebration Maple.  With our large and healthy looking Celebration Maple tree, we made our purchase along with a few other things to make sure our tree grew and headed home.  We ran out of time on Saturday, but Chase was quick to plant the tree Sunday after church. 
     Below is the product of all of his hard work, and I'll say that it turned out great.  Once the last brick was put into place, we both took a step back to look and admire his handy work.  That's when I felt it.  A peace that I know only God can give.  I know that I will forever remember the baby that we were never able to meet, but for some reason I thought this would get easier.  I've realized that day by day it does get easier and some days are harder than others.  With this ever growing tree, I pray that we will always remember the sweet baby that we lost.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 



 

Cycle Day 1

     Cycle day 1 or as I have been know to call it CD 1.  It's a little sad really that when I see the abbreviation CD I instantly think cycle day and not compact disc.  Oh, infertility what evil grip you have on me.  This is my first cycle that I started on my own without medicine since I lost Peanut.  It's been 14 weeks since that nightmarish day, but little by little we are moving on.  Some days are better than others. 
     I have never in my life been so excited to have a period.  Several weeks ago we went to see our RE in STL for a check-up.  I will again say that I love my RE, he is always positive and very caring.  I had a sonohystagram done in the office and then an ultrasound to make sure everything was normal after my D&C.  Here's how much fun our RE is, as he was doing the sonohyst (they put a saline solution into the uterus to make sure that it's clear and ready for another bun), he said that everything looked normal and good.  So, I look at Chase and said , "You heard the man he said I was normal".  To which he quickly piped up saying, "Now I just said your uterus looked normal I can't account for anything else".  Instantly my nervousness disappeared. 
     After all the checking we went to talk to him about our options, and he told us what he thought we should do next.  He suggested putting us back on Letorzole and just timing intercourse.  I was so relieved to hear this because this is what Chase and I were going to say that we wanted.   With CD 1 here and my Letorzole sitting on the counter, we get to play the waiting game again.  When I talked to the nurse she told us to start using OPKs on CD 10 to track my ovulation, but for our sanity we aren't going to use them.  I know about when I should ovulate and we'll just wing it. ;)  Here's to hoping for a successful month.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

You're Not Alone

     Picture this.  You meet the man of your dreams, I'm talking about everything you could ever imagine.  A second date is scheduled and then another and eventually you see a proposal on the horizon.  With not a cloud in the sky prince charming drops to one knee and asks the big one "will you marry me"?  Through tears in your eyes you answer yes and place the giant rock on your left ring finger. 
     Months of planning and your wedding day is finally here.  Birds are signing and love is in the air.  The ceremony went off without a hitch, pun intended, even your crazy uncle didn't get too wild at the reception.  After a night of merriment and dancing you are whisked away to an uncharted destination for a week of relaxation with your new husband.  Life couldn't be better, right?
     With the honeymoon phase behind you, you and your husband begin to contemplate bringing the pitter patter of little feet into your home.  You start eating right, cut out caffeine, drink plenty of water, start taking vitamins and even make sure to exercise.  For the most part you're very relaxed and praying for a positive test soon.  Then six months tick by, and a year.  You start to wonder what's wrong?  I am doing the right things to help me get pregnant but nothing is happening.  A word pops into your vocabulary, a word only whispered about because no one wants to say it too loud or it might happen to them, infertility.  Months pass by and more words enter into your vocabulary.  Broken.  Worthless.  Scared.  Anxious.  Frustrated.  Depressed.  Empty.  Alone. 
     Obviously, life isn't always like the cutesy nursery rhyme "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage".  For 1 in 8 couples the baby carriage has been the most difficult part.  So why hasn't anyone ever talked about the struggle to fill their baby carriage?  Well, it's very simple.  Would you want to admit to the world that you couldn't create life, the one thing that you have longed to do since you knew that you could?  No, and I didn't either.  It wasn't until I really started to research infertility did I fully understand the female body.  They teach you about reproduction in school and make it sound so easy to get pregnant, but really who pays that much attention in health class?  There are many factors that can contribute to why a couple isn't getting pregnant: little to no periods, not ovulating, low sperm count, and the list goes on.  This isn't to say that the woman or man for that matter did something to cause the "problem" it's just something that happens.  Yet, there is this nagging voice in the back of your head telling you that it's something you aren't doing.  Here come the words again.  Broken.  Worthless.  Alone. 
     This couldn't be further from the truth. In the three years that my amazing husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, I've not only done enough research to become an infertility specialist, but I have met women from all walks of life who are feeling the same things I am.  Through various online forums I have come to know some really amazing and strong women who just want to fill their baby carriages and will do whatever it takes.  For some it is easy to talk about their infertility, but to others it still stings.  I completely understand that, this can be an extremely lonely journey but it doesn't have to be. 
     It's time to break the silence!  This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (April 19-25) so what better time to raise more awareness.  Never in a million years did I think that I would be traveling down the infertility road.  When I first began this journey, I thought that well there's no way I would be able to do an IUI, and then I did.  Well, there's NO way I would be able to give myself injections, and then I did.  Through each of these major steps I had the support of my sweet husband but also women whom I have never met.  By starting my blog and really talking about my infertility I hope I can bring more awareness and connect with more women who know how I am feeling.  I know there will always be "those people" who think that by just "relaxing" we'll all get pregnant, but we can't let everyone bring us down.  So friends, spread the word, infertility is a real disease and I'm not resting until it's recognized as one.  Until next time always, Chasing Hope. 


http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/

http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

Then I'm Going to Drown

   Pinterest has been a bright spot during a dark time that has kept me semi-sane throughout our journey.  I am at the age were everyone is getting pregnant or will be by the end of this post.  Several times it has been said that "it must be something in the water."  Well I have to say from experience that's complete bull.  If that was the case I should have at least 2 children by now.  I would also like to add that I would be very hydrated.  ;)

Hey Mom

     At this point in my life I have obtained many titles: child of God, sister, daughter, granddaughter, wife, teacher, and one of my favorites aunt.  I take each title very seriously; they make up who I am.  There is one title that I haven't been able to fully snag and that would be mom.  For a brief moment I was going to be a mommy, but that was taken away from me.  In my heart I am already a mom, but I'm talking about something more than just being a mom. 
     I long for days when someone small will call me mom.  There have been days were I have been mistaken for mom, and I secretly pretend like it wasn't an accident.  One day when we were at Chase's grandma's my 2 oldest nephews were running around playing like always.  All of the adults were scattered between the living room and kitchen.  They had run off somewhere and their little voices couldn't be heard around the house.  I have been told that when toddlers get quiet they are usually up to no good.  With that thought in mind, I set off to find the little troublemakers and find them in a bedroom.  They both begin to squeal with delight because after all they love when someone "chases" them.  The youngest of the two looks up at me and says MOMMY!!  My heart instantly melted.  However, let me explain something, he is also 2 and calls everyone either mommy or daddy.  Just the week before when we arrived for Sunday lunch he was at the door when we arrived, he pointed at me and said "Look it Daddy".  Even though he hasn't learned my name too well yet that little moment of mommy glory was dancing around in my head.  Even though the moment was fleeting I am still going to soak up every minute, real or pretend. 
     Another title that I love is teacher.  I have worked most of my life and paid a good amount of money to be called teacher.  With that title something happens when you spend 8 hours a day with children.  You become wrapped up in what they do and say; even at times talking like they do.  You become comfortable around each other and begin to let your guard down.  Thus the inevitable "Hey mom" instead of "Hey Ms. Hyde".  On more than one occasion a student has called me mom and I can imagine that at their age (11-14) it can be extremely embarrassing to call your teacher mom.  Just recently I had this happen in class, a student called me mom instead of my teacher name.  When this happens I usually just smile and don't say anything, but with this student I joked with them a little.  To be completely honest I feel honored when they call me mom too.  That says that they trust me enough and know that I care for them and would treat them like they were my own.  Obviously they would never say this, I do teach Jr. High after all.  It is still an honor none the less. 
     With these "accidents" in mind I love my nephews, as well as, my students like they were my own.  However, I hope some day soon that someone little will be calling me mommy and it won't be an accident.  As always, Chasing Hope.

Music Heals the Soul

     I love music, well most types.  When I was younger I loved 80s rock music.  I think my dad had something to do with this since Def Leppord and ACDC was all that he listened to.  By the time I hit middle school I found my own genre of music that I couldn't get enough of pop, the rhythm and the fast pace really got my feet and booty going.  (I love to dance as well, but I'm not very good at it.  That my friends is another post for another day, if ever really.)  When I got to high school the genre again changed to country music.  I'm not talking about todays country, which some of the new songs are good, notice that I say some and not all.  Country music that talked about real love, heartache, and having a good time with friends.  As I get older I still love all of these genres of music, but one, in particular, that I never saw myself liking and actually turning the station to was Christian music. 
     Within the last 3 years I have been listening more and more to our local Christian radio stations.  I never knew there were so many great Christian artists out there.  All of their songs are always uplifting almost like God is smiling as I sing along.  At times, I tend to radio station jump, but I always find myself coming back to the same 2 Christian stations. 
     Through our trying to conceive journey I have found at least a dozen songs that have made their way to my "infertility playlist" as I call it.  Here are some of the songs that help me get out of bed, put on make-up, and fix my hair most days. 

While I'm Waiting by John Waller-  this one makes me cry every time, it is and was the first song on my playlist and the first on I downloaded
Worn by Tenth Avenue North
He Knows My Name by Francesca Battistelli
He Knows by Jeremy Camp
You're Not Alone by Owl City featuring Britt Nicole- I love this song, and play it almost every morning

And a few to pick up your spirits  :)

My Lighthouse by Rend Collective- try and not dance to this song, I dare you
Greater by Mercy Me- again try not to dance, it always puts me in a great mood
Drops In the Ocean by Hawk Nelson- this is a new favorite and my students love it and ask to play it during our morning devotion, you will be singing this one all day long

**All of these songs can be found on youtube.  Most have lyric videos linked to them and they are just as good. 
     I said it before and I'll say it again I love music.  It's the window to the soul and I think at times to God's heart.   It is biblical to sing and dance.  I am southern Baptist and we don't dance which is crazy in my opinion.  King David danced and sang songs of praise to the Lord.  If King David danced so will I.  The man wasn't perfect but he was a man after God's heart.  So pull up a great song on youtube and listen a while.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope.