Infertility and the body

     This post to some might sound like an excuse and that's fine, but unless you have gone through any form of infertility you really might not understand exactly what I am talking about.  Within the last 3 years of trying to start our family I have gained weight.  Actually, since we got married I have gained weight, but I have heard that is normal.  After all the "good" wife makes her man dinner and a sweet dessert right?  That's just what I did, but this goes deeper than dieting or exercise. 
     During each month of trying to conceive there are different cycles that I would go through in my mind.  The first one starts on cycle day 1, depression, but also a hope for this cycle.  I realize that I need to be more active and maybe that will increase our chances.  So, I hop on my elliptical (or eucalyptus as my mom calls it) and workout.  This faze never lasts long because it's at the beginning of my cycle, within the last year, my periods have been very intense with heavy bleeding and horrible cramps.  Once it's over, there is a short window of time that I feel lead to work out again but then ovulation day comes.  I have heard that you should take it easy when you become pregnant for the first trimester to avoid a miscarriage.  In my brain that means lay around, eat chocolate, and pray that the baby is getting comfortable.  I know, not the best plan, but when you've prayed for so long for something you will try even the silliest things in hopes that it will work. 
     Thus, the inevitable cycle just keeps repeating itself.  I will say that for that small period of time that I was pregnant I did walk a little and did lose weight mostly due to not feeling well (I wouldn't dare call it morning sickness because I was never sick, I just didn't feel at the top of my game).  After the miscarriage I became a little depressed.  I think a little part of me wanted to see a growing belly so I ate to compensate for my lack of bump, but it just wasn't the same.  I knew I wasn't were I should be and part of me wanted to do something, but the other part said why when you do that when you could sit around and do nothing. 
     The turning point has been our recent adoption acceptance with Angel.  I finally feel like something good is going to happen for our family.  Even during my short pregnancy there was always the lingering fear of losing my Peanut and sure enough I did.  However, this feels right. 
     While we begin the adoption process, I have had to collect as many pictures as I can of Chase and I, our families, friends, our house, our stinky puppy Chief, and anything else that represents who we are.  I began to notice a common theme within the last year, my waist line has grown and I hate how I look in these pictures that we are about to send to potential birthmothers.  While we wait and pray for a birthmother to choose us, I will work out and try my best to eat right because for those of you that know me I am probably the pickiest eater on the planet.  When I meet our birthmother in person, I want her to think that I look different from my pictures.  I will be different; I will not only be mentally and spiritually strong but physically strong too. 
     I have always wanted to be one of those active and fit moms, but, in all honesty, I hate to sweat.  It's disgusting and in your best Jimmy Fallon voice, "It's just EWW!"  However, with age comes knowledge in life; if you want something so much you have to sweat and do the leg work to get there.  Only then can you look back at all the blood, sweat, and tears and truly say I did it.  I did it for no one else except myself.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope and not running out of breath.