O Christmas tree, you really are beautiful. Each colored light sparkles in the darkness of our living room. Every branch adorned with a memory of our marriage. Your shining star gleams in the darkness like a beacon of hope for all the world awaiting Santa's arrival and the celebration of our Lord's birth. The icing on the cake, tinsel (which my husband doesn't understand how to put on and can never seem to place just right) glistens on the tip of every branch.
Yet, looking at you as I have every night since putting you up, I cannot help but constantly think what a different sight you should have seen this year. You should have seen a little baby perched right in front of you dressed in a "my first Christmas" outfit. A baby straining to take hold of a branch or two and rob you of a few needles in hopes of grabbing a glittery ornament. There should have been a multitude of perfectly wrapped packages around you this year. On Christmas Eve you would have seen two giddy parents making sure everything was impeccable for their baby's first Christmas because you know all baby's remember their first Christmas. You might have even seen a few family nights snuggled on the couch with a roaring fire burning this Christmas season. From your position you would have seen love, joy, and so much happiness.
What you saw instead was a couple trying to figure out how to survive their first Christmas without their baby that should have seen all of those things. You watched as we wrapped fewer presents. Ever glistening, you watched as we drank a little too much wine and held each other close just trying to survive the cheer of the holiday's without that precious child. You heard endless conversation preps of our responses to what others might ask of us about our "family". You stood silent as we quietly opened our presents from each other not wanting to mention how things would have been different this year around you, O Christmas tree.
Yes, dear Christmas tree, I know that you are not what makes the season merry, but some how you do. Your presence seems to capture the magic and glow of the season. As I look at you now, I can't help but pray that next year will be different. Next year has something that every new year holds, hope. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Of all the hurdles we have had to jump through in the last three years, I have found the wait time of our adoption to be the most excruciating experience. With our infertility journey, each new cycle presented itself with a method or steps to follow.
1. Begin cycle and track days
2. Take meds cycle days 3-7
3. Begin tracking ovulation on day 10
4. On peak day have fun (or try to)
5. Day 17 head to the lab for blood work to ensure of an ovulation serge
6. Wait until period begins (which is always inevitable)
7. Cry, eat chocolate, call the doctor for more meds
8. Repeat
Adoption, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game. In the beginning it was stressful. All the paperwork, making sure you have the correct forms, interviews, home visits and so much more were enough to push anyone off the deep end. What I wasn't prepared for was the endless wait. There is nothing to do. We are at the mercy of the agency and potential birthmothers.
Just the other day I sent an email to Angel asking almost begging for something to be able to do. I knew the answer to my foolish question was that we just had to wait, but I wanted to make sure. I also know that our agency deals with a large amount of people, and there are other couples who have been waiting longer than we have. She reminded me that we have only been waiting for 5 months and that the average wait time is 11-18 months. I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't irritated. I was a little ticked. Yes, we have only been waiting 5 short months with you but that does not discount the years we have been waiting to become parents.
I am getting so tired of "waiting". As of this moment we have been waiting to have a child for 3 years and 9 months. Friends, cousins, and so many others have had children some even lapping me having their second child. Here I sit with empty arms and a broken heart. It seems like this period of my life will never end. This post won't end with a good feeling or word to the wise because frankly I'm not very wise. It will just simply end with what I have come to see as a period that might never end for me, the wait. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
I know I have approached this subject before, but I wanted to add more and go a little deeper if you will. There are things in life that bring you joy such as: going on vacation, going shopping, seeing family members, and doing something that you love. In each of the items listed above there is one commonality, all are temporary. You have heard the expression all good things must come to an end. Eventually the vacation will end. Family members will leave, and the money runs out. I'm talking about something deeper, finding true joy.
There have been so many days where I am just exhausted by the ever winding road we are traveling down. Moments that creep up on me where I am overwhelmed by the hopelessness of ever becoming a mother. Thoughts of always having an empty home and an unfilled nursery. Such toxic thoughts that only take a bigger, darker shape as you sit and truly think about your situation.
Several weeks ago, I was down in that dark pit of depression, when we had just received our first report from Angel regarding our live profile. At this point, they are able to show any birthmother our profile. Well the report yielded 1 viewing (an actual hard paper copy) and 68 internet views. In a recent post, I attached our link to Angel so everyone could see it online. I am so thankful that some of you did. However, I don't feel that one potential mother looked at us in the month of October. By being home study ready, I just knew that more doors would be opened and more mothers would be able to look at our profile.
The email came on a Thursday; therefore, I had all weekend to stew and wallow in my self-pity. Several times I prayed for God to really help me find joy in life because I knew it sure hadn't been any place that I was looking. On Monday morning, I sat down to do my devotion and find that my Sunday school workbook was in the car. Always having a back-up plan, I grabbed the October edition of our women's devotional. I flipped to the actual date, Monday, October 26 and looked at the title, "The Foundation of Joy" and immediately felt goose bumps rising on my body. My friends there is no such thing as coincidence, it's God. The scripture fit perfectly, as it always does, from Psalm 16:11 saying, "You reveal the path of life to me; in YOUR presence is abundant joy; in YOUR right hand are eternal pleasures."
The devotion goes on to ask if some of life's circumstances are creating killjoys for you. Wow, that hit the nail right on the head. There are so many times where the things of life and our journey to have a family have depleted all of my joy. However, God never intended for those circumstances to be the foundation of our joy. Only in Him will we find joy and everlasting happiness, pleasure, and goodness. Friends these are not my words I could never put together something so beautiful and poetic, all of it comes from God. As we face the difficult situations in life (and you know we will), we should look to our Lord who is so much bigger and stronger than the trials of life. The devotion always ends with a "Steps of Faith" prayer. I loved this one so much that I wrote it down in my bible. I am not a person who usually goes for a wrote prayer but this one sums up what I need to say to God everyday.
Heavenly Father, may I not allow the circumstances of this life dictate my joy. Give me the grace to remember that true, everlasting joy is found in knowing You. Help me to make You the joy and treasure of my heart now and always.
What is stealing your joy? I know I am not the only one who lets life get the best of her sometimes. Since reading that devotion, I pray that prayer every morning. On days that I get in a hurry and forget, I can tell that I have missed something. Life begins to drag me down. Remember that true joy doesn't come from anything that we could ever do or say; true joy comes from our God who loves us and wants us to find that joy in Him. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy, true joy.
I can't believe it's been over a full month since our profile went live. In that time we have painted the nursery, hung curtains, bought a crib and dresser, and had a baby shower. Needless to say that I feel a little more prepared for the "call" now. Crossfit is still kicking our butts, however, I have never felt stronger. As the holidays draw near, school is heating up with Christmas program practices, talk of parties, and Christmas break. I am so glad that we have stayed busy. Some days I don't think I'm busy enough to not think about our wait and our sweet Angel baby.
In reality, waiting a month for an adoption is nothing. I see it a little differently though. I see us waiting for 3 years and 9 months. People tend to leave out the fact (or ignore) that we have been working on making our family a family of three for that long. As we wait, we will continue to prepare the nursery, work our already sore muscles even more, and pray for the call. If you are praying for us we are eternally grateful. I'll even give you a few specifics to pray for. Pray for the mother of our child, that God would open her heart to us. Pray for the sweet baby she carries that is growing inside of her. Pray for us that we continue to find peace in God and not in anything or anyone else. We love you all. Until next time, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy.
It's finally official; after several weeks of waiting we are finally home study approved and live on the internet. Now a mother could chose us who is nine months and a day pregnant or still early on in her pregnancy. She could even view our profile now via the internet on the Angel website in the comfort of her own home. So, here we are ready to wait, pray, and repeat. Hoping and praying that getting a match doesn't take the full two years or sixteen months (our real time frame because it took us four months to become home study approved). Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and patiently waiting.
Sitting in the car outside of Babies 'R' Us, I am filled with this sickening feeling way down deep in the pit of my stomach. I know I need to go into this baby fueled building and register for my upcoming baby shower. The only thoughts running through my mind are completely toxic. How will this go? Will they judge me as soon as I walk in and don't have that bump? What will they say once I share that we are adopting? Will they even consider me a mommy? All of these questions are insane; frankly because I don't know anyone and why would they care.
Walking a little too quickly to the door and a cold chill in the air, I enter with my other rock by my side. I am so relieved that Chase came with me. Stepping up to the counter I see that it is vacant (thank you God) and sit down in front of a clipboard where I will have to fill out information about myself. Great here come the crazy questions. Almost instantly I am speechless all over what line two on the form says. Are you adopting? That little line made every little fear vanish until the employee came over to "help".
Upon sitting down she's asks a simple question. When are you due? For a woman like myself it is one I hate to hear. There isn't a due date, at least not yet. The only think I could think of to say was, "1-24 months". I'm a smarty pants what can I say. That got her to look up from her computer and I said that we were adopting which she would have been able to see if she would have looked at the application I handed her. No harm, I'll assume the adoption registry is rare, but I am so grateful that it is even an option.
Then she proceeded to ask when the due date was. I guess in order for them to register a couple into the computer you have to put in a date. Well, as I just told her not five minutes before that we were adopting and didn't have a date. I know people don't think this way, but if a couple is adopting the odds might weigh heavily that they can't have children or are having problems having them. Why would you continue to ask a woman who doesn't know what to say and mentioned that we were adopting, the same question a million times? Finally settling on the shower date, we moved past that wonderful question and arrive to the fun part, adding items to our registry.
All I have to say is WOW, they make so much baby stuff. It was so overwhelming just looking and trying to figure out what we might need. I cannot imagine having the extra added hormones of a pregnancy and making a registry. We fire off a few things because honestly we just want to stick with the basics. Making our way back to our to the counter, we spot our lady that helped us fill out the paper work. To tie a bow on what I knew would be a strange trip, she proceeded to tell me how she was a doula and if we needed anything here was all of her contact information. Again not pregnant or having a baby, it was too bad that she couldn't remember that little bubble I filled in earlier.
The long and short of this post is that adoption is making its way a little stronger into our culture. Sadly, the worker awareness when helping a potential mother might not be the best but at least it's a start. Any progress is progress I guess. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
WOW, I can't believe that it has been one year since I hit the publish button to complete my first blog post. To take that a step further I took another huge leap of faith and shared it via Facebook. If you would have told me last year that people would actually read what I write I would have told you sure but only my family will read. They have to right? From the bottom of my heart I thank you for reading and some of you even share it with your friends who don't know me. I pray that this blog continues to help others during their infertility and adoption journeys. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.
Yet, looking at you as I have every night since putting you up, I cannot help but constantly think what a different sight you should have seen this year. You should have seen a little baby perched right in front of you dressed in a "my first Christmas" outfit. A baby straining to take hold of a branch or two and rob you of a few needles in hopes of grabbing a glittery ornament. There should have been a multitude of perfectly wrapped packages around you this year. On Christmas Eve you would have seen two giddy parents making sure everything was impeccable for their baby's first Christmas because you know all baby's remember their first Christmas. You might have even seen a few family nights snuggled on the couch with a roaring fire burning this Christmas season. From your position you would have seen love, joy, and so much happiness.
