The title and bulk of this post really doesn't have a thing to do with me but about a woman, in my opinion, of true faith from the bible. This post has been rewritten at least 5 times and has been sitting in draft form for months. I have had it on my heart to write about a biblical role model, but wanted to make sure that all the credit goes to God and that I wrote this properly. This story is one that I have poured over since our trial began. There are so many amazing men and women throughout the bible who are definitely note-worthy but at this point in my life I felt like this story is one that really pulls at my heart strings.
This is the true story of a Godly woman, Hannah. I am just paraphrasing, but please take the time and really read this one from the bible because I can't do it justice (I Samuel 1, the whole chapter). Elkanah had 2 wives Peninnah and Hannah; Peninnah had children (meaning more than one) and Hannah didn't. I am so grateful that I do not have to share my husband with another woman, especially a fertile one.
Elkanah and his family travel to worship and sacrifice to the Lord. While there Hannah's rival (the bible doesn't out right say it, but I would assume its the other woman, Peninnah) provokes her. This provoking as the bible calls in goes on for years. It upsets Hannah as it would any woman who wants to provide a child for her husband whom she loves. The bible says she wept and would not eat. Elkanah shows concern for her by asking what the problem is but she never says. He also asks the question, "Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?" The answer for me to this question is yes. I haven't the slightest idea what I would do if I didn't have Chase through all of this. However, there are certain things that are extremely difficult to tell the man that you love. Chase and I share everything. He knows exactly how I feel about our issues, yet at times I feel like there are some thing's he just doesn't need to bear.
In verse 10 it says, "In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly." She begins to beg the Lord to remember her servant and grant her a son and she will give him back to the Lord all the days of his life. Eli the priest hears Hannah's prayers and thinks she is drunk, but Hannah quickly explains that she is not. She replies, I love this, in verse 15 and 16, "Not so my lord, I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord. Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief." When you have longed for a baby of your own for so long and have poured your heart and soul into prayer, yet God hasn't answered it can be so devastating. I have prayed countless prayers pouring my heart out to my God begging him for a child of my own. The English teacher in me loves the word anguish because for those that have experienced infertility it truly is the right word for her/our pain.
The story doesn't end with pain because if God sees you to it then only He will see you through it. Eli tells her to go in peace and may God grant what you have asked. Later it says that she lay with her husband, conceives, and gave birth to a son, Samuel ,meaning because I asked the Lord for him. This is the same Samuel that is called by God to judge Israel, anoints King Saul and then anoints a better king, David.
I know exactly how Hannah felt. It seems like everyone around me has been pregnant, is, or will be in the next 10 minutes. This has been extremely challenging for me because my timing and God's timing don't always add up. However, I need to remind myself that He will remember me just like he heard Hannah's pleas hundreds of years ago; we will have a child of our own someday too.
In the bible it is mentioned that women desire to have sons to carry on the family name. When I pray for a child I always secretively hope (I guess it isn't a secret any longer) for a son. I love my sweet husband so much and would be so honored to have a son just like him. He is thoughtful, smart, caring, and so much more, I could go on for days, but then you really would stop reading my posts. If you take one thing away from this post know that the Lord your God hears your pleas and will remember his servant no matter what it is. It might not be when you think but remember God's timing and yours aren't always the same. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Chasing Hope Choosing Joy
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 16, 2015
Chasing Hope, Choosing Joy
For my birthday and teacher appreciation week, one of my students brought me the beautiful bracelet you see below. Well, let me rephrase that, his mom was actually the one who had it made for me. When I asked him if he picked out it out he just smiled sheepishly and said, "Come on Ms. Hyde you know better". Did I mention that I love teaching Jr. High kids? :)
I love that she included my blog name on the bracelet. I noticed that she added another phrase below, Choosing Joy, what an amazing addition. To be honest, I hope that is how people see me through this blog as a woman who does both. This has not been an easy road to travel, and at times that joy has been hard won. Right out of the gate I will say that I really didn't spend a whole lot of time in daily devotion. The turning point was after our third failed IUI. I knew God loved me and never left my side, in reality, I was the one giving him the cold shoulder. I began to start to see who God really is and just how much He loves me by starting a daily devotion. It started out simple because the thought of spending 30 minutes a day was very intimidating to me. While I ate my morning breakfast I started reading the book of James and took it a chapter at a time. Things were going great, and I began to get in the habit. I was starting to hear God more and had moved on to other books of the bible. Then again my world was rocked when we lost Peanut, but this time I knew who to turn to after the initial shock wore off.
When I began piecing this post together I Googled scripture that related to joy and wouldn't you know it that God led me to the perfect verse. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12 I know what the word affliction means but the English teacher in me wanted a better definition. Dictionary.com says it is a state of pain, distress, or grief; misery. In other words ,be patient during times of grief/misery. I thought the last two descriptions were prefect since dealing with infertility and miscarriage can at times feel like any of those definitions. Through prayer and a deeper analysis of God's word, I am truly finding out who God really is and choosing joy through this journey. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and Choosing Joy!!!
I love that she included my blog name on the bracelet. I noticed that she added another phrase below, Choosing Joy, what an amazing addition. To be honest, I hope that is how people see me through this blog as a woman who does both. This has not been an easy road to travel, and at times that joy has been hard won. Right out of the gate I will say that I really didn't spend a whole lot of time in daily devotion. The turning point was after our third failed IUI. I knew God loved me and never left my side, in reality, I was the one giving him the cold shoulder. I began to start to see who God really is and just how much He loves me by starting a daily devotion. It started out simple because the thought of spending 30 minutes a day was very intimidating to me. While I ate my morning breakfast I started reading the book of James and took it a chapter at a time. Things were going great, and I began to get in the habit. I was starting to hear God more and had moved on to other books of the bible. Then again my world was rocked when we lost Peanut, but this time I knew who to turn to after the initial shock wore off.
When I began piecing this post together I Googled scripture that related to joy and wouldn't you know it that God led me to the perfect verse. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12 I know what the word affliction means but the English teacher in me wanted a better definition. Dictionary.com says it is a state of pain, distress, or grief; misery. In other words ,be patient during times of grief/misery. I thought the last two descriptions were prefect since dealing with infertility and miscarriage can at times feel like any of those definitions. Through prayer and a deeper analysis of God's word, I am truly finding out who God really is and choosing joy through this journey. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and Choosing Joy!!!
Enough Talk, It's Time
Now that school has almost let out for the summer it's time to start something that has always been on our hearts, adopting. Chase and I have been kicking around the idea of adoption for almost a year. Last fall we even contacted and met with several adoption agencies. It's time to officially start the process. I am very tired of hearing people say, "You know what happens when you start the adoption process or sign adoption papers? You get pregnant (insert high pitched baby voice here)". I always try to be honest, however, there are times where I think being blunt is so much better. This piece of "advise" is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. The whole point of adoption is to enlarge our family and the whole point of being pregnant is enlarging our family. Either way we are accomplishing our goal. I would be over the moon if God blessed us with 2 children at once. That doesn't mean I wouldn't be terrified, but together Chase and I would figure it out.
There are so many questions that people ask when you say that you're going to adopt. How old would you want the child to be? Are you choosing international or domestic? What race would we prefer? Among those questions I have heard people state some pretty horrifying things about adopting. For example, well I know someone who adopted and insert terrible thing here. It's almost as if they are trying to talk you out of something that you are being lead by God to do. When we talk about starting our family, adoption has always been on the table. I feel like He is telling us it's time to officially start the process.
I know for a fact that this path will not be an easy one, but I do know that the end result will be beautiful. So, with this post keep your eyes and ears pealed for us. If you know of someone in a situation that is thinking about giving their child up please think about us. The path will be long and winding and the burden heavy at times, but the outcome will be perfect. As always, Chasing Hope.
A special thank you to Emily Kracht for doing our fall family/adoption session.
There are so many questions that people ask when you say that you're going to adopt. How old would you want the child to be? Are you choosing international or domestic? What race would we prefer? Among those questions I have heard people state some pretty horrifying things about adopting. For example, well I know someone who adopted and insert terrible thing here. It's almost as if they are trying to talk you out of something that you are being lead by God to do. When we talk about starting our family, adoption has always been on the table. I feel like He is telling us it's time to officially start the process.
I know for a fact that this path will not be an easy one, but I do know that the end result will be beautiful. So, with this post keep your eyes and ears pealed for us. If you know of someone in a situation that is thinking about giving their child up please think about us. The path will be long and winding and the burden heavy at times, but the outcome will be perfect. As always, Chasing Hope.
A special thank you to Emily Kracht for doing our fall family/adoption session.
Monday, May 11, 2015
New Horizon
All my grown life I have wanted to be a teacher. Even when I think back to when I was younger I always remember playing teacher with my dolls. I would take books that my previous teachers were going to get rid of that year in order to make room for the new ones the next. I even recall one doll always getting in trouble or talking in class. At a young age I was unconsciously drawn to the troubled students.
I remember by senior year of high school I did an internship at a local school with a teacher friend of mine. That year sealed the deal, I would be a teacher now matter what it took. After going to college, taking and retaking countless state mandated tests, and a pile of student loan debt later, I did it I was finally a teacher. The teacher who I student taught with was amazing and she taught me so much. However, in 2 years she would be retiring. So, in order to begin my career I subbed at that school where she worked. I put in 2 years of subbing. Little did I know, there is a lot more that goes on in the teaching world. I am talking about politics and biding your time.
The closer the day got to hopefully landing my dream job the further it seemed. Until someone mentioned a small Christian school where we live might be hiring for the up coming school year. With my public school dream growing dim I moved on to another option, private school. I never pictured myself being a private school teacher. Let's be honest some private school kids are snotty and entitled (stay with me parents). I subbed a few times at the school before the year let out and put in my resume in hopes of actually having a classroom some day.
The day finally came, I was called for an interview. Now I'm being completely honest, I have never interviewed any where. When I was 16 a good friend got me in at a local bank where I worked for 5 years without interviewing (she just called and said come in this day). Then at 18 another good friend had me come in and help her at a local salon were she was a receptionist and knew they needed the extra help (again no interview). With this being my first interview ever and it being a teaching interview I was so incredibly nervous.
Several weeks later I got the call saying I didn't get the job. I knew this might happen, but I didn't think it would be that soon. Thankfully when I got that call I was babysitting my only nephew at the time and he made things so much better. Fast forward a few more weeks and I am sitting on a beach in Florida listening to the waves roll and I have a missed call and voicemail from New Horizon on my phone. I found it strange and checked my voicemail. It was the principal calling and asking about my certificates. Now at the time I had/have middle school endorsements in language arts and social studies. I was a little nervous about teaching middle school; frankly I didn't like junior high students at all. They were scary, moody and at times smelly. The worst part were their attitudes, something I can't stand. I call the principal back and sure enough she told me I had the middle school English and reading job if I wanted it.
Through a nervous giddy grin I accepted; I was excited and terrified all at the same time. I went to school to be an Elementary teacher not deal with smart-mouthed Jr. High kids. As I began to set up my classroom I prayed the entire time for God's guidance, after all I knew that this door had been opened to me, but I really didn't understand where He was going with this one.
My very first day/week I sweat through every shirt that I wore. However, I began to notice little things. My students were kind, surprisingly quiet and actually liked me. Even though I tried to put on my meanest teacher face they eventually saw right through it. As the weeks flew by I began to relax and really enjoy my students. We shared a lot together and learned even more together.
As I prepare to watch my 2nd 8th grade class graduate Jr. High at New Horizon I am starting to see why God chose to put me here. With everything we have been through trying to start our family, I have had another family to pray for us and fight in our corner. I work with an amazing group of teachers who at the beginning of every school day meet together for a quick devotion to start our day out right. My students are funny, smart, and most of the time fun to be around. All of our parents are supportive and willing to help out in any way they can. We have Chapel services every Friday and they are always amazing, really I don't know who learns more half the time myself or the students.
Even my students know my struggle through this blog and about the miscarriage I had in January. The day I came back from an awful weekend and first part of the week my students received me with hugs and were very quiet, at least the first period. I'm pretty sure they didn't know what I would do. As usual we picked up where we left off and went back to joking around and learning. We all face trials of many kinds and God knows what's best for us in the long run. Teaching at New Horizon has been such a blessing and I hope it blesses others as much as it has Chase and me. He really knew what he was doing when I was hired. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.
I remember by senior year of high school I did an internship at a local school with a teacher friend of mine. That year sealed the deal, I would be a teacher now matter what it took. After going to college, taking and retaking countless state mandated tests, and a pile of student loan debt later, I did it I was finally a teacher. The teacher who I student taught with was amazing and she taught me so much. However, in 2 years she would be retiring. So, in order to begin my career I subbed at that school where she worked. I put in 2 years of subbing. Little did I know, there is a lot more that goes on in the teaching world. I am talking about politics and biding your time.
The closer the day got to hopefully landing my dream job the further it seemed. Until someone mentioned a small Christian school where we live might be hiring for the up coming school year. With my public school dream growing dim I moved on to another option, private school. I never pictured myself being a private school teacher. Let's be honest some private school kids are snotty and entitled (stay with me parents). I subbed a few times at the school before the year let out and put in my resume in hopes of actually having a classroom some day.
The day finally came, I was called for an interview. Now I'm being completely honest, I have never interviewed any where. When I was 16 a good friend got me in at a local bank where I worked for 5 years without interviewing (she just called and said come in this day). Then at 18 another good friend had me come in and help her at a local salon were she was a receptionist and knew they needed the extra help (again no interview). With this being my first interview ever and it being a teaching interview I was so incredibly nervous.
Several weeks later I got the call saying I didn't get the job. I knew this might happen, but I didn't think it would be that soon. Thankfully when I got that call I was babysitting my only nephew at the time and he made things so much better. Fast forward a few more weeks and I am sitting on a beach in Florida listening to the waves roll and I have a missed call and voicemail from New Horizon on my phone. I found it strange and checked my voicemail. It was the principal calling and asking about my certificates. Now at the time I had/have middle school endorsements in language arts and social studies. I was a little nervous about teaching middle school; frankly I didn't like junior high students at all. They were scary, moody and at times smelly. The worst part were their attitudes, something I can't stand. I call the principal back and sure enough she told me I had the middle school English and reading job if I wanted it.
Through a nervous giddy grin I accepted; I was excited and terrified all at the same time. I went to school to be an Elementary teacher not deal with smart-mouthed Jr. High kids. As I began to set up my classroom I prayed the entire time for God's guidance, after all I knew that this door had been opened to me, but I really didn't understand where He was going with this one.
My very first day/week I sweat through every shirt that I wore. However, I began to notice little things. My students were kind, surprisingly quiet and actually liked me. Even though I tried to put on my meanest teacher face they eventually saw right through it. As the weeks flew by I began to relax and really enjoy my students. We shared a lot together and learned even more together.
As I prepare to watch my 2nd 8th grade class graduate Jr. High at New Horizon I am starting to see why God chose to put me here. With everything we have been through trying to start our family, I have had another family to pray for us and fight in our corner. I work with an amazing group of teachers who at the beginning of every school day meet together for a quick devotion to start our day out right. My students are funny, smart, and most of the time fun to be around. All of our parents are supportive and willing to help out in any way they can. We have Chapel services every Friday and they are always amazing, really I don't know who learns more half the time myself or the students.
Even my students know my struggle through this blog and about the miscarriage I had in January. The day I came back from an awful weekend and first part of the week my students received me with hugs and were very quiet, at least the first period. I'm pretty sure they didn't know what I would do. As usual we picked up where we left off and went back to joking around and learning. We all face trials of many kinds and God knows what's best for us in the long run. Teaching at New Horizon has been such a blessing and I hope it blesses others as much as it has Chase and me. He really knew what he was doing when I was hired. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
A Not So Happy Birthday
Mother's Day, a time to celebrate the one who gave birth to you, or a celebration for you of the life you helped create. This holiday has gotten harder and harder for me to handle over the past few years, and rightfully so. You see Mother's Day always falls around the time of my birthday. So, for as long as I can remember, we have celebrated my birthday and Mother's Day together. In the past, it hasn't always been that difficult until recently.
It's always a reminder for me of the one thing I haven't accomplished this year, creating life. Now your saying I should be celebrating MY mother and I do, don't worry, she would kill me if I forgot Mother's Day (sorry mom but you know I'm right). There's always this nagging voice in my head saying well another year down and my biological clock keeps ticking louder and louder. I have always wanted to be a younger mom, well as my birthday and Mother's Day pass along I'm constantly reminded that it didn't happen yet again this year.
I should rephrase this or at least find a better way to phrase it. I am already a mother in my heart but some might not see it that way. Before I lost my little peanut, I was over joyed that my birthday and Mother's Day wouldn't suck so bad. I joked with Chase that he could get me tickets to Ellen's Mother's Day Episode. For those who don't watch or haven't seen that episode, every person in the audience is a pregnant woman. Throughout the show she gives away tons of baby things. What an amazing gift to not only be pregnant but to get to see a caring star on my birthday. Now, in reality there's no way we would be able to travel to LA but the thought is what counts.
This year will probably be the worst because every 6 years my birthday falls on Mother's Day and you guessed it, this year it does. So, this year my wonderful husband is taking me out of town and to a Kenney Chesney concert where I won't be reminded that I'm childless. If people happen to ask while were out that weekend, what are you doing for Mother's Day or do you have children? Trust me it always comes up, even with complete strangers. Like last year over my birthday, the day before Mother's Day, I went to get my nails fixed, after all I am a true girly girl at heart. The lady that did my nails asked if I had kids, to which I had to reply no. She then proceeded to ask me how long I had been married, almost 4 years. Then proceeded to ramble on about how in her culture if you didn't have kids soon that you weren't really considered a married couple. Needless to say, my 25th birthday started out pretty crappy. Now back to what I will say when we are out of town this year. I will lie. What? Lying is wrong little Christian girl, yes it is, but I think it's wrong to belittle a person for not being a parent when you have no clue what they are going through. So yes, I will make up a big fat one about my beautiful children and my weekend retreat with my husband, but not to worry we will still see my babies on Sunday when we get back home. For one minute I'll pretend like life is perfect.
So this Mother's Day say a little prayer for those of us who would move heaven and earth to have someone little call us Mommy and make us a cute little card with way too much glitter. Hug your babies tight and thank God for them EVERY minute of everyday. Even if they just had a fight with their sibling using mustard as a weapon in the living room. Because in all honesty I would rather clean up that mess than have no mess at all. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
It's always a reminder for me of the one thing I haven't accomplished this year, creating life. Now your saying I should be celebrating MY mother and I do, don't worry, she would kill me if I forgot Mother's Day (sorry mom but you know I'm right). There's always this nagging voice in my head saying well another year down and my biological clock keeps ticking louder and louder. I have always wanted to be a younger mom, well as my birthday and Mother's Day pass along I'm constantly reminded that it didn't happen yet again this year.
I should rephrase this or at least find a better way to phrase it. I am already a mother in my heart but some might not see it that way. Before I lost my little peanut, I was over joyed that my birthday and Mother's Day wouldn't suck so bad. I joked with Chase that he could get me tickets to Ellen's Mother's Day Episode. For those who don't watch or haven't seen that episode, every person in the audience is a pregnant woman. Throughout the show she gives away tons of baby things. What an amazing gift to not only be pregnant but to get to see a caring star on my birthday. Now, in reality there's no way we would be able to travel to LA but the thought is what counts.
This year will probably be the worst because every 6 years my birthday falls on Mother's Day and you guessed it, this year it does. So, this year my wonderful husband is taking me out of town and to a Kenney Chesney concert where I won't be reminded that I'm childless. If people happen to ask while were out that weekend, what are you doing for Mother's Day or do you have children? Trust me it always comes up, even with complete strangers. Like last year over my birthday, the day before Mother's Day, I went to get my nails fixed, after all I am a true girly girl at heart. The lady that did my nails asked if I had kids, to which I had to reply no. She then proceeded to ask me how long I had been married, almost 4 years. Then proceeded to ramble on about how in her culture if you didn't have kids soon that you weren't really considered a married couple. Needless to say, my 25th birthday started out pretty crappy. Now back to what I will say when we are out of town this year. I will lie. What? Lying is wrong little Christian girl, yes it is, but I think it's wrong to belittle a person for not being a parent when you have no clue what they are going through. So yes, I will make up a big fat one about my beautiful children and my weekend retreat with my husband, but not to worry we will still see my babies on Sunday when we get back home. For one minute I'll pretend like life is perfect.
So this Mother's Day say a little prayer for those of us who would move heaven and earth to have someone little call us Mommy and make us a cute little card with way too much glitter. Hug your babies tight and thank God for them EVERY minute of everyday. Even if they just had a fight with their sibling using mustard as a weapon in the living room. Because in all honesty I would rather clean up that mess than have no mess at all. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
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