I know I have approached this subject before, but I wanted to add more and go a little deeper if you will. There are things in life that bring you joy such as: going on vacation, going shopping, seeing family members, and doing something that you love. In each of the items listed above there is one commonality, all are temporary. You have heard the expression all good things must come to an end. Eventually the vacation will end. Family members will leave, and the money runs out. I'm talking about something deeper, finding true joy.
There have been so many days where I am just exhausted by the ever winding road we are traveling down. Moments that creep up on me where I am overwhelmed by the hopelessness of ever becoming a mother. Thoughts of always having an empty home and an unfilled nursery. Such toxic thoughts that only take a bigger, darker shape as you sit and truly think about your situation.
Several weeks ago, I was down in that dark pit of depression, when we had just received our first report from Angel regarding our live profile. At this point, they are able to show any birthmother our profile. Well the report yielded 1 viewing (an actual hard paper copy) and 68 internet views. In a recent post, I attached our link to Angel so everyone could see it online. I am so thankful that some of you did. However, I don't feel that one potential mother looked at us in the month of October. By being home study ready, I just knew that more doors would be opened and more mothers would be able to look at our profile.
The email came on a Thursday; therefore, I had all weekend to stew and wallow in my self-pity. Several times I prayed for God to really help me find joy in life because I knew it sure hadn't been any place that I was looking. On Monday morning, I sat down to do my devotion and find that my Sunday school workbook was in the car. Always having a back-up plan, I grabbed the October edition of our women's devotional. I flipped to the actual date, Monday, October 26 and looked at the title, "The Foundation of Joy" and immediately felt goose bumps rising on my body. My friends there is no such thing as coincidence, it's God. The scripture fit perfectly, as it always does, from Psalm 16:11 saying, "You reveal the path of life to me; in YOUR presence is abundant joy; in YOUR right hand are eternal pleasures."
The devotion goes on to ask if some of life's circumstances are creating killjoys for you. Wow, that hit the nail right on the head. There are so many times where the things of life and our journey to have a family have depleted all of my joy. However, God never intended for those circumstances to be the foundation of our joy. Only in Him will we find joy and everlasting happiness, pleasure, and goodness. Friends these are not my words I could never put together something so beautiful and poetic, all of it comes from God. As we face the difficult situations in life (and you know we will), we should look to our Lord who is so much bigger and stronger than the trials of life. The devotion always ends with a "Steps of Faith" prayer. I loved this one so much that I wrote it down in my bible. I am not a person who usually goes for a wrote prayer but this one sums up what I need to say to God everyday.
Heavenly Father, may I not allow the circumstances of this life dictate my joy. Give me the grace to remember that true, everlasting joy is found in knowing You. Help me to make You the joy and treasure of my heart now and always.
What is stealing your joy? I know I am not the only one who lets life get the best of her sometimes. Since reading that devotion, I pray that prayer every morning. On days that I get in a hurry and forget, I can tell that I have missed something. Life begins to drag me down. Remember that true joy doesn't come from anything that we could ever do or say; true joy comes from our God who loves us and wants us to find that joy in Him. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy, true joy.
I can't believe it's been over a full month since our profile went live. In that time we have painted the nursery, hung curtains, bought a crib and dresser, and had a baby shower. Needless to say that I feel a little more prepared for the "call" now. Crossfit is still kicking our butts, however, I have never felt stronger. As the holidays draw near, school is heating up with Christmas program practices, talk of parties, and Christmas break. I am so glad that we have stayed busy. Some days I don't think I'm busy enough to not think about our wait and our sweet Angel baby.
In reality, waiting a month for an adoption is nothing. I see it a little differently though. I see us waiting for 3 years and 9 months. People tend to leave out the fact (or ignore) that we have been working on making our family a family of three for that long. As we wait, we will continue to prepare the nursery, work our already sore muscles even more, and pray for the call. If you are praying for us we are eternally grateful. I'll even give you a few specifics to pray for. Pray for the mother of our child, that God would open her heart to us. Pray for the sweet baby she carries that is growing inside of her. Pray for us that we continue to find peace in God and not in anything or anyone else. We love you all. Until next time, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy.
It's finally official; after several weeks of waiting we are finally home study approved and live on the internet. Now a mother could chose us who is nine months and a day pregnant or still early on in her pregnancy. She could even view our profile now via the internet on the Angel website in the comfort of her own home. So, here we are ready to wait, pray, and repeat. Hoping and praying that getting a match doesn't take the full two years or sixteen months (our real time frame because it took us four months to become home study approved). Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and patiently waiting.
Sitting in the car outside of Babies 'R' Us, I am filled with this sickening feeling way down deep in the pit of my stomach. I know I need to go into this baby fueled building and register for my upcoming baby shower. The only thoughts running through my mind are completely toxic. How will this go? Will they judge me as soon as I walk in and don't have that bump? What will they say once I share that we are adopting? Will they even consider me a mommy? All of these questions are insane; frankly because I don't know anyone and why would they care.
Walking a little too quickly to the door and a cold chill in the air, I enter with my other rock by my side. I am so relieved that Chase came with me. Stepping up to the counter I see that it is vacant (thank you God) and sit down in front of a clipboard where I will have to fill out information about myself. Great here come the crazy questions. Almost instantly I am speechless all over what line two on the form says. Are you adopting? That little line made every little fear vanish until the employee came over to "help".
Upon sitting down she's asks a simple question. When are you due? For a woman like myself it is one I hate to hear. There isn't a due date, at least not yet. The only think I could think of to say was, "1-24 months". I'm a smarty pants what can I say. That got her to look up from her computer and I said that we were adopting which she would have been able to see if she would have looked at the application I handed her. No harm, I'll assume the adoption registry is rare, but I am so grateful that it is even an option.
Then she proceeded to ask when the due date was. I guess in order for them to register a couple into the computer you have to put in a date. Well, as I just told her not five minutes before that we were adopting and didn't have a date. I know people don't think this way, but if a couple is adopting the odds might weigh heavily that they can't have children or are having problems having them. Why would you continue to ask a woman who doesn't know what to say and mentioned that we were adopting, the same question a million times? Finally settling on the shower date, we moved past that wonderful question and arrive to the fun part, adding items to our registry.
All I have to say is WOW, they make so much baby stuff. It was so overwhelming just looking and trying to figure out what we might need. I cannot imagine having the extra added hormones of a pregnancy and making a registry. We fire off a few things because honestly we just want to stick with the basics. Making our way back to our to the counter, we spot our lady that helped us fill out the paper work. To tie a bow on what I knew would be a strange trip, she proceeded to tell me how she was a doula and if we needed anything here was all of her contact information. Again not pregnant or having a baby, it was too bad that she couldn't remember that little bubble I filled in earlier.
The long and short of this post is that adoption is making its way a little stronger into our culture. Sadly, the worker awareness when helping a potential mother might not be the best but at least it's a start. Any progress is progress I guess. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
WOW, I can't believe that it has been one year since I hit the publish button to complete my first blog post. To take that a step further I took another huge leap of faith and shared it via Facebook. If you would have told me last year that people would actually read what I write I would have told you sure but only my family will read. They have to right? From the bottom of my heart I thank you for reading and some of you even share it with your friends who don't know me. I pray that this blog continues to help others during their infertility and adoption journeys. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.
That my friends is a huge question, and I'm not talking about hygiene. I have been going back and forth about this situation in my head since we started the adoption process. Searching the depths of the internet, I looked high and low and finally came to a decision. It is completely up to me.
I know for a fact that God has a baby in mind for us, and who knows I could eat my words later on down the road. Not that it wouldn't be a new concept for me. Here is what I know. When we do get that glorious call to rush to the hospital, I want to be ready. It could be that we are picked and have time to wait, but I don't want to take a chance of getting that call and not being prepared. It just simply won't work for me and isn't in my personality.
There have been several people mention about not being chosen or coming up babyless for lack of a better word. This was another endless conversation in my head too and one that I try hard not to think about. When we signed on with Angel I felt a calm like I've never felt in all the years we spent trying to conceive. Everything also went through so perfectly that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God opened this door for a reason. My friends I do not believe in coincidence.
So, my best friend in the entire world is throwing me a shower next month. Will it be different? You bet it will not because she won't throw an amazing shower, but because there is no baby nor a hint of a bump. However, I cannot think of any other time in my marriage where things have been normal or according to plan, so why start now? Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
I have re-written this post at least three times trying to express my true feelings about my boys. On April 3 2012, life as I knew it was about to completely change forever. That was the day that my first nephew H was born, and the day I became an aunt. In addition to that independent three year old, I have three other ornery nephews who always seem to brighten up my darkest of days.
When I discovered that I was going to be an aunt again, I could not imagine how there would be enough room to love another baby like I did with H. It's truly amazing how God set up the human heart to grow as others come into our lives. With the arrival of nephew number two N (to quote my favorite Christmas movie The Grinch) my heart grew three sizes on that early spring morning.
I remember the day that both of the oldest boys began to call me by my name. With H we practiced all the time. These were my pre-teaching years and I babysat quite a bit and every time he would come over I would say my name over and over until he picked it up. It wasn't as easy with N, I eventually had to bribe him with little Hostess donuts before he would say my name. The last two (G and P) haven't turned one yet and can't talk; I guess I will give them a little longer to practice.
I love each of my boys equally, but the last two saved me in a way. You see they were both born on a cold February day within three days of each other. It was a chaotic week for our family and a little nerve racking for me. Just two weeks before I received the worst news of my life, that Peanut wouldn't get to meet his cousins. To be honest I was so scared to even go to the hospital to see my new nephews. However, I serve an amazing God who in times of sorrow takes something rotten and transforms it into something beautiful. Going to see my new sweet boys, fixed every broken part of my heart. To this day I just love to see them both growing and smiling.
I know I don't have much time with my boys now, as they are growing up way too fast. I couldn't imagine a life without block throwing, big wheel racing, wrestling, big hugs and even sticky kisses. This post may sound a little braggy (if that's not a word it is now) ,but I have the best nephews in the whole world. Each of my boys are different, and I couldn't love them any more. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
The devotion goes on to ask if some of life's circumstances are creating killjoys for you. Wow, that hit the nail right on the head. There are so many times where the things of life and our journey to have a family have depleted all of my joy. However, God never intended for those circumstances to be the foundation of our joy. Only in Him will we find joy and everlasting happiness, pleasure, and goodness. Friends these are not my words I could never put together something so beautiful and poetic, all of it comes from God. As we face the difficult situations in life (and you know we will), we should look to our Lord who is so much bigger and stronger than the trials of life. The devotion always ends with a "Steps of Faith" prayer. I loved this one so much that I wrote it down in my bible. I am not a person who usually goes for a wrote prayer but this one sums up what I need to say to God everyday. 
