Tick Tock

     There are days were I have the hardest time seeing through the lining of our journey to a time when we will have children.  When this journey started I was a young 23 years of age.  I had those baby goggles on.  Thoughts of nurseries, maternity pants, and that baby lotion smell took up my every waking thought.  Never did it occur to me that it wouldn't take more than a year tops until we had our precious family of three. 
     Here we are four long difficult years later and I will be turning 27 within the week with no baby cradled in my arms.  I know that most of my more mature readers are rolling their eyes at my age.  By so many different standards and people, I am still young and to an extent I would agree to that.  When we had our first RE visit, Dr. O wasn't too concerned because I was still so young.  Even our adoption agency said that my age would be a benefit and potential mothers would see my young age as another advantage for their child. 
     When I was a little girl, I loved taking care of my babies and even had a baby that I named Baby (unique I know).  Aside from playing teacher, mommy was the role I have always loved best.  With each passing year it's another painful reminder that I have not met my lifelong goal.  I know God has a plan and I trust that.  I just wish sometimes He would let me in on a few key details, but that's not how He works.  Once again, here we wait; always praying.  So until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

No News

     I am pretty sure there is a country song with this title.  It has been a few months since I have posted an update and really since I have posted period.  There isn't much to report other than that our profile is being shown more.  We are just waiting for God to bring us to the right mother and child.  We ask for your continued prayers.  More specifically for the mother that she is safe and healthy and that she is led to us.  We have been praying for God to send us to the right situation.  We have discussed many times how we would rather have no match than to have a match fail.  For us, it would be the equivalent of a miscarriage.  Again, we thank you for all of your prayer and support.  Some day this will be a long joyful post.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

When Pigs Fly

     We have all heard the expression "when pigs fly" used a time or two.  Usually, it is paired with a negative comment or remark.  In todays post, it will be giving us hope. 
     Several months ago, I read the best devotion in my monthly women's devotional magazine.  The author was talking about how her mother kept telling her about how she had picked out the perfect birthday present for her.  Her mother went on and on about how she was going to love this present.  When the present was finally opened the package contained a rather large pig with wings. 
     Baffled as to why on earth her mother would buy her such an odd present, her mother went on to explain that the flying pig is a reminder that nothing (not even a flying pig) is impossible with God. 
     I really wish I would have cut out and kept that devotional.  It made such an impression on me that I made it my mission to find a flying pig for my house.  I looked high and low.  I finally found the cute little guy you see in the photo in a resale shop in Brandon, MO.  He sits right next to me every night when I watch TV, read, blog, or fill out adoption paper work. 
     Keeping this post short and sweet, I just want to remind you (and myself) that no matter what you are dealing with right now; nothing (not even a flying pig) is impossible with God.  He is the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Great I Am, and so much more.  He parted seas, healed the sick, raised the dead, and created the universe.  No problem is too great or too big.  So, what is your flying pig?  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~ Matthew 19:26

When the Time Comes

     Recently we had some excitement on the adoption front, but before you get too excited it did not end with us becoming parents.  A wonderful friend of mine called me and told me that she had heard of a baby that had been born and the mother told the doctor that she wanted to sign over her rights (she wanted to put her baby up for adoption).  The doctor talked to his wife who in turn talked to my friend and this thoughtful friend thought of me.  (I know she will read this and I pray she won't be upset with me sharing with all of you.)  Even though the infant was placed with a local family, we became aware of a few things that needed to be discussed.  Questions like: who does the mother need to contact if you hear of someone wanting to sign over rights, the mother should make contact with me.  With a better plan in mind, I can't help but think about all of the thoughts that entered my mind in the three short hours where we didn't know what would happen or if we would be parents. 

     Mentally, I began packing our things in my head.  We have a small basic baby bag packed at all times that is bulging at the seams.  What would we really need to take with us that wasn't already in that bag? 
     As far as school was concerned, I would email the rest of my lesson plans for that week to whoever took my place.  I love my students and my job but this call was so much bigger.  Thankfully, my students know all about our adoption and would adapt to whatever happened in my absence. 
     I began to think about how reassuring it would be to have a friend near while we were waiting for our Interstate Compact to go through (this is the legal action that allows us to cross back into Illinois legally with our new baby).  And who's not to say that my mother or my mother-in-law wouldn't jump in the car and visit us.  Ultimately, my mind drifted to our son or daughter.  I did not know the gender of the baby, but my mind went wild with all of the possibilities of what the baby looked like, how much did he or she weigh, and what his or her health condition was. 
     As I impatiently waited to hear back from my friend, I found myself in a constant state of prayer.  The fact that this could be the day was both amazing and terrifying all at once.  The only prayer that I could utter was, "Lord, completely open the door so wide that the hinges would fly off, or slam it shut in our faces."  The harshness of the latter was and will never be lost on me.  On more than one occasion, I have been on the slamming side of that door and, man, can it hurt.  Every time I uttered that prayer I would add in that if the door was closed that I would be able to move past the devastation quickly. 
     When the door was finally closed on this situation for good, I couldn't help but cry a little.  But God is so good; He always picks up the pieces of my broken heart and puts them back together.  Looking back on this situation, I can't help but think of the whirlwind that could be our adoption call.  We could be connected with our birthmother when she is 7 months along and have time to get to know her or we could get the call saying we have been chosen and the baby is here.  If the latter occurs, the chaos that will ensue will be epic (and I never use that word lightly as my students love to over use it).  This "false alarm" has been an affirmation that when the time does come I can switch into crazy planner mode in a matter of seconds (something that up until this point has been sitting idle, which has been driving me crazy).  At that point everything will cease to exist but getting to our baby.  Until next time, impatiently waiting and always Chasing Hope. 

Fear Not

     Growing up I have always been afraid of something.  In general most people are or we wouldn't be human.  I hate spiders, storms, and bees (which includes anything with a stinger protruding out of its rear end).  The one thing that has always topped the true fear chart was not being able to have a baby.  I have always had this feeling that I would have a hard time getting pregnant.  As life would have it, I was correct.  When your worse fear becomes a reality I think either 2 things can happen 1) you let it consume you (I will say at times I let it) or 2) you put on your big girl panties and face it straight on with a whole lot of help from God.  I eventually chose option number 2. 
     Upon conquering an old fear, wouldn't you know that a new one appeared.  The day I found out I was pregnant was the most shocking experience of my life.  I did not allow myself the joy of getting excited until I had blood work done to ensure that I was pregnant.  In reality, I wasn't 100% sure of our pregnancy until I had the ultrasound and heard that precious heartbeat.  At that moment a new fear entered my brain what if I lose this baby?  Sadly, that fear did not have enough time to manifest itself because we lost our little Peanut a few weeks after hearing his heartbeat. 
     Chase and I have talked about adopting for several years and when the door was opened to us again we took that as God telling us it was time.  With every new adventure new fears will slowly creep in.  I don't know how many times someone asked a silly question like: "What if the mother changes her mind?"  More times than not, I want to just laugh and tell them if they have thought of that situation, then I have thought of ten different scenarios that could play out ten different ways. 
     Life is full of worry and anxiety.  When one disappears you can be sure that another will soon take its place.  The real question is will you let that fear/worry/anxiety or whatever, control you?
     A favorite verse of mine has always been: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  (Philippians 4:6)  It wasn't until recently that I was reading through the whole books of Philippians that I stumbled upon the small sentence before it which reads "The Lord is near."  What an amazing reminder for us that in the midst of the raging storm we are in we can have the assurance that the Lord is right by our side.  I know that when we do have children we will be met with a whole new set of fears.  However, I will always try to remember that the Lord is near.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Under the Sea

     Finally a light-hearted post that is completely dedicated to our nursery.  From the moment I knew I wanted children I began planning the room that my precious son or daughter would be staying in.  For the longest time, I knew that our nursery would be very gender specific, after all it wouldn't take us long to get pregnant.  The longer the wait became the more I had my heart set on not finding out the gender of our baby if we did end up pregnant.  We are still in the same situation with our adoption.  Being open to any gender was another way for us to be chosen faster.  However, I did not want to bring my tiny newborn home to some lifeless room, but I also didn't want it to be gender specific either. 
     We found our answer while on vacation in the summer of 2014.  Strolling through a Bed, Bath and Beyond in the small Vero Beach community in Florida, we found the canvas print that you see below on the left.  The colorful fish spoke to me and at that moment I knew that this was the start of our nursery.  Chase and I love everything about the beach and the ocean.  So much so that our master suite is a beach theme.  Upon returning home we found the canvas on the left at our Bed, Bath and Beyond closer to home.  My favorite pieces would have to be the three metal works of art we found this summer in Myrtle Beach which you see below as well.  They match perfectly with our already existing prints. 

 

     When we signed with Angel we began clearing out our front bedroom.  During our home visit for our home study the room was completely cleared and empty, but we hadn't begun painting yet.  I knew that with all the colorful art we were collecting that the wall color should be a neutral color.  Scouring the internet, I loved the gray color that I found on almost every trendy wall.  My dad is a very meticulous painter so I knew I could ask him and he would get the job done well.  He always pulls through.  Upon seeing the room I was initially nervous that I had chosen a color too dark, but I had to trust my decorating gut on this one because my end product looked amazing (maybe even magazine worthy) in my head. 

    

     Finally a few months later, our nursery is complete.  With the help of several Etsy shops and some amazingly talented store owners, I bring to you our nursery.  I was never set on a typical nursery set and glad I didn't settle for one.  Find pieces from the four winds sounded just like our style and possibly how we would find our Angel baby.  

     The jelly fish came from an Etsy shop and look even better in person.  The rocker (a personal favorite) is one that I finally found on Babies-R-Us (online only).  My wonderful mother bought it for us for Christmas. 

 

 

     The picture frames came from another Etsy shop.  They were a little pricy, but well put together and look phenomenal.  You can customize colors and sizes.  The canvas on the far left is from an Etsy shop as well and I made the other one.  In the shop you purchase the wording and can put in on canvas, frame, or wall art you want.  I used Wal-Mart and they were very affordable.  The net and the lettering came from my almost sister-in-law who helped throw our shower.  The "baby" will stay up until we have our little one in our arms.  To our families disappointment, we will not share the names we have picked.  I will say that they will fit in the space. 

 

     I had a blast finding the perfect piece to our nursery.  The planning, purchasing, and making sure everything is in place has been a genuine distraction.  I just pray that it will be filled with a sweet baby some day soon.  Others are reading this post and wondering why I put the cart before the horse.  I couldn't imagine bringing my first child home to a boring nursery.  It just isn't my style.  Every woman goes through the nesting phase of their pregnancy where she plans and cleans like crazy.  The best part of this phase is that she knows in a certain number weeks she will bring home a tiny bundle of joy to fill it.  Not having that luxury, I have tried to make the best of my current situation and nest a little myself.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.  

Dream a Little Dream

     Back in July of 2011, Chase and I along with my immediate family, took a family vacation to Panama City Beach, FL.  We had an amazing time.  Everyday at lunch, after a morning of playing in the ocean or reading on the beach, we would all go back up to our room and eat lunch.  I always chose to sit on the patio and look out at the clear blue water.  As you can see from the photo, we were pretty high up so the only sounds you could hear were the waves crashing on the shore. 
     Could life get any better than this?  At this point Chase and I had been married for a little over a year.  I began to think of how much fun it would be to bring a baby to the beach and watch him run to the oceans edge only to come running back because the waves were too big.  Packing would be a nightmare with all of the extra necessities, but all the cute outfits and swimsuits were just too much to resist.  The dreaming began. 
     We have been back to the beach with my family a total of 3 times now and we are still just dreaming about that beach baby.  However, I do not plan my vacation around a possible baby any more.  I will not allow myself to go there and think about all the different things we would do.  With each passing year, it is just another disappointment and a reminder that we still aren't a family of three on vacation.  When I dream of a vacation with a "baby" I begin to think that it will always be just that, a dream. 
     Again that's where hope comes into play.  One day we will have that sun-kissed beach baby, but until that time we will try our best to enjoy those beach days together.  After all some of my favorite memories have happened at the beach.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

What a Difference a Year Makes

     Ah, a snow day, I love being a teacher and I love my students.  Although, there is nothing better than getting a call saying it's too cold and snowy to come to school.  As I sit and gaze out my living room window at the peaceful woods behind our house, I can't help but think how different things were just a short year ago. 
     One year ago, I was waking up from a dreamless sleep in a hospital room after my D&C.  I remember the look on Chases face as I wiped the sleep from my eyes.  It was one of worry, and I couldn't figure out why.  Once I quite asking the same question over and over again, he asked if I knew what happened while I was under.  Thankfully, I had no clue that I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they gave me.  Nothing major just an all over rash; thus causing the short 15 minute procedure to turn into over 45 minutes in the operating room.  I thank God for the advances in modern medicine because the last thing I remember is the sweet doctor calmly talking to me and the nursing staff. 
     It's so crazy how we remember the littlest details about a certain an event.  I remember my awesome best friend kept tabs on me that early morning.  As I began to come around I wanted Chase to take a picture of me with a silly face and send it to her.  The no make-up shot plus the goofy face was hysterical and the caption read, "I don't think the meds have worn off yet."  She sent me back a message saying that she was in an important meeting and opened my message thinking it was an update.  It was an update all right.  Oops, being a responsible and mature adult is overrated in my book.  If I'm not laughing; I'm crying and I hate crying.  So, I would rather laugh situations out. 
     I type this all today not because I am sad.  I will always, always miss my sweet Peanut and think about him daily.  I wonder how big he would be, and what he would look like.  I type this out because in my Time Hop from a year ago I shared a blog post about our miscarriage.  However, another occasion popped up the same day 6 years earlier, which was a count down to our honeymoon in Hawaii.  Life is full of highs and some very low, lows, but there is always hope for the next day, week, month, or even year.  There is a beautiful song by Newsboys called "Your Love Never Fails".  My favorite lyric in the song is "there may be pain in the night but JOY comes in the morning".  God is so good to give us a promise of hope for the next day.  Even though we are still in the middle of our journey, I still have hope that the next day will always hold something new and better.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

 

I See You

I see you standing over there looking at me talking to the sweet blue-eyed baby in my arms. 
You don't know me and I don't know you.
I see you smile; unknowingly watching me cuddle and snuggle with him. 
You look on as I talk to him about all the people walking about.
You see me plant a kiss in his messy hair. 
You chuckle as I playfully blow a raspberry on his pudgy cheek.  
What you don't know is that he is not mine; he is my nephew. 
You see dear stranger for I minute I see what it must be like to watch a mother take care of her child. 
I feel the acceptance from you over an accomplishment I haven't yet made. 
You see dear stranger for just a minute you made me feel something that I have longed for since I was a little girl. 
You made me feel like a mother.