Back in July of 2011, Chase and I along with my immediate family, took a family vacation to Panama City Beach, FL. We had an amazing time. Everyday at lunch, after a morning of playing in the ocean or reading on the beach, we would all go back up to our room and eat lunch. I always chose to sit on the patio and look out at the clear blue water. As you can see from the photo, we were pretty high up so the only sounds you could hear were the waves crashing on the shore.
Could life get any better than this? At this point Chase and I had been married for a little over a year. I began to think of how much fun it would be to bring a baby to the beach and watch him run to the oceans edge only to come running back because the waves were too big. Packing would be a nightmare with all of the extra necessities, but all the cute outfits and swimsuits were just too much to resist. The dreaming began.
We have been back to the beach with my family a total of 3 times now and we are still just dreaming about that beach baby. However, I do not plan my vacation around a possible baby any more. I will not allow myself to go there and think about all the different things we would do. With each passing year, it is just another disappointment and a reminder that we still aren't a family of three on vacation. When I dream of a vacation with a "baby" I begin to think that it will always be just that, a dream.
Again that's where hope comes into play. One day we will have that sun-kissed beach baby, but until that time we will try our best to enjoy those beach days together. After all some of my favorite memories have happened at the beach. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Ah, a snow day, I love being a teacher and I love my students. Although, there is nothing better than getting a call saying it's too cold and snowy to come to school. As I sit and gaze out my living room window at the peaceful woods behind our house, I can't help but think how different things were just a short year ago.
One year ago, I was waking up from a dreamless sleep in a hospital room after my D&C. I remember the look on Chases face as I wiped the sleep from my eyes. It was one of worry, and I couldn't figure out why. Once I quite asking the same question over and over again, he asked if I knew what happened while I was under. Thankfully, I had no clue that I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they gave me. Nothing major just an all over rash; thus causing the short 15 minute procedure to turn into over 45 minutes in the operating room. I thank God for the advances in modern medicine because the last thing I remember is the sweet doctor calmly talking to me and the nursing staff.
It's so crazy how we remember the littlest details about a certain an event. I remember my awesome best friend kept tabs on me that early morning. As I began to come around I wanted Chase to take a picture of me with a silly face and send it to her. The no make-up shot plus the goofy face was hysterical and the caption read, "I don't think the meds have worn off yet." She sent me back a message saying that she was in an important meeting and opened my message thinking it was an update. It was an update all right. Oops, being a responsible and mature adult is overrated in my book. If I'm not laughing; I'm crying and I hate crying. So, I would rather laugh situations out.
I type this all today not because I am sad. I will always, always miss my sweet Peanut and think about him daily. I wonder how big he would be, and what he would look like. I type this out because in my Time Hop from a year ago I shared a blog post about our miscarriage. However, another occasion popped up the same day 6 years earlier, which was a count down to our honeymoon in Hawaii. Life is full of highs and some very low, lows, but there is always hope for the next day, week, month, or even year. There is a beautiful song by Newsboys called "Your Love Never Fails". My favorite lyric in the song is "there may be pain in the night but JOY comes in the morning". God is so good to give us a promise of hope for the next day. Even though we are still in the middle of our journey, I still have hope that the next day will always hold something new and better. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.
I see you standing over there looking at me talking to the sweet blue-eyed baby in my arms.
You don't know me and I don't know you.
I see you smile; unknowingly watching me cuddle and snuggle with him.
You look on as I talk to him about all the people walking about.
You see me plant a kiss in his messy hair.
You chuckle as I playfully blow a raspberry on his pudgy cheek.
What you don't know is that he is not mine; he is my nephew.
You see dear stranger for I minute I see what it must be like to watch a mother take care of her child.
I feel the acceptance from you over an accomplishment I haven't yet made.
You see dear stranger for just a minute you made me feel something that I have longed for since I was a little girl.
You made me feel like a mother.
O Christmas tree, you really are beautiful. Each colored light sparkles in the darkness of our living room. Every branch adorned with a memory of our marriage. Your shining star gleams in the darkness like a beacon of hope for all the world awaiting Santa's arrival and the celebration of our Lord's birth. The icing on the cake, tinsel (which my husband doesn't understand how to put on and can never seem to place just right) glistens on the tip of every branch.
Yet, looking at you as I have every night since putting you up, I cannot help but constantly think what a different sight you should have seen this year. You should have seen a little baby perched right in front of you dressed in a "my first Christmas" outfit. A baby straining to take hold of a branch or two and rob you of a few needles in hopes of grabbing a glittery ornament. There should have been a multitude of perfectly wrapped packages around you this year. On Christmas Eve you would have seen two giddy parents making sure everything was impeccable for their baby's first Christmas because you know all baby's remember their first Christmas. You might have even seen a few family nights snuggled on the couch with a roaring fire burning this Christmas season. From your position you would have seen love, joy, and so much happiness.
What you saw instead was a couple trying to figure out how to survive their first Christmas without their baby that should have seen all of those things. You watched as we wrapped fewer presents. Ever glistening, you watched as we drank a little too much wine and held each other close just trying to survive the cheer of the holiday's without that precious child. You heard endless conversation preps of our responses to what others might ask of us about our "family". You stood silent as we quietly opened our presents from each other not wanting to mention how things would have been different this year around you, O Christmas tree.
Yes, dear Christmas tree, I know that you are not what makes the season merry, but some how you do. Your presence seems to capture the magic and glow of the season. As I look at you now, I can't help but pray that next year will be different. Next year has something that every new year holds, hope. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
Of all the hurdles we have had to jump through in the last three years, I have found the wait time of our adoption to be the most excruciating experience. With our infertility journey, each new cycle presented itself with a method or steps to follow.
1. Begin cycle and track days
2. Take meds cycle days 3-7
3. Begin tracking ovulation on day 10
4. On peak day have fun (or try to)
5. Day 17 head to the lab for blood work to ensure of an ovulation serge
6. Wait until period begins (which is always inevitable)
7. Cry, eat chocolate, call the doctor for more meds
8. Repeat
Adoption, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game. In the beginning it was stressful. All the paperwork, making sure you have the correct forms, interviews, home visits and so much more were enough to push anyone off the deep end. What I wasn't prepared for was the endless wait. There is nothing to do. We are at the mercy of the agency and potential birthmothers.
Just the other day I sent an email to Angel asking almost begging for something to be able to do. I knew the answer to my foolish question was that we just had to wait, but I wanted to make sure. I also know that our agency deals with a large amount of people, and there are other couples who have been waiting longer than we have. She reminded me that we have only been waiting for 5 months and that the average wait time is 11-18 months. I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't irritated. I was a little ticked. Yes, we have only been waiting 5 short months with you but that does not discount the years we have been waiting to become parents.
I am getting so tired of "waiting". As of this moment we have been waiting to have a child for 3 years and 9 months. Friends, cousins, and so many others have had children some even lapping me having their second child. Here I sit with empty arms and a broken heart. It seems like this period of my life will never end. This post won't end with a good feeling or word to the wise because frankly I'm not very wise. It will just simply end with what I have come to see as a period that might never end for me, the wait. Until next time, always Chasing Hope.
I know I have approached this subject before, but I wanted to add more and go a little deeper if you will. There are things in life that bring you joy such as: going on vacation, going shopping, seeing family members, and doing something that you love. In each of the items listed above there is one commonality, all are temporary. You have heard the expression all good things must come to an end. Eventually the vacation will end. Family members will leave, and the money runs out. I'm talking about something deeper, finding true joy.
There have been so many days where I am just exhausted by the ever winding road we are traveling down. Moments that creep up on me where I am overwhelmed by the hopelessness of ever becoming a mother. Thoughts of always having an empty home and an unfilled nursery. Such toxic thoughts that only take a bigger, darker shape as you sit and truly think about your situation.
Several weeks ago, I was down in that dark pit of depression, when we had just received our first report from Angel regarding our live profile. At this point, they are able to show any birthmother our profile. Well the report yielded 1 viewing (an actual hard paper copy) and 68 internet views. In a recent post, I attached our link to Angel so everyone could see it online. I am so thankful that some of you did. However, I don't feel that one potential mother looked at us in the month of October. By being home study ready, I just knew that more doors would be opened and more mothers would be able to look at our profile.
The email came on a Thursday; therefore, I had all weekend to stew and wallow in my self-pity. Several times I prayed for God to really help me find joy in life because I knew it sure hadn't been any place that I was looking. On Monday morning, I sat down to do my devotion and find that my Sunday school workbook was in the car. Always having a back-up plan, I grabbed the October edition of our women's devotional. I flipped to the actual date, Monday, October 26 and looked at the title, "The Foundation of Joy" and immediately felt goose bumps rising on my body. My friends there is no such thing as coincidence, it's God. The scripture fit perfectly, as it always does, from Psalm 16:11 saying, "You reveal the path of life to me; in YOUR presence is abundant joy; in YOUR right hand are eternal pleasures."
The devotion goes on to ask if some of life's circumstances are creating killjoys for you. Wow, that hit the nail right on the head. There are so many times where the things of life and our journey to have a family have depleted all of my joy. However, God never intended for those circumstances to be the foundation of our joy. Only in Him will we find joy and everlasting happiness, pleasure, and goodness. Friends these are not my words I could never put together something so beautiful and poetic, all of it comes from God. As we face the difficult situations in life (and you know we will), we should look to our Lord who is so much bigger and stronger than the trials of life. The devotion always ends with a "Steps of Faith" prayer. I loved this one so much that I wrote it down in my bible. I am not a person who usually goes for a wrote prayer but this one sums up what I need to say to God everyday.
Heavenly Father, may I not allow the circumstances of this life dictate my joy. Give me the grace to remember that true, everlasting joy is found in knowing You. Help me to make You the joy and treasure of my heart now and always.
What is stealing your joy? I know I am not the only one who lets life get the best of her sometimes. Since reading that devotion, I pray that prayer every morning. On days that I get in a hurry and forget, I can tell that I have missed something. Life begins to drag me down. Remember that true joy doesn't come from anything that we could ever do or say; true joy comes from our God who loves us and wants us to find that joy in Him. Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy, true joy.
I can't believe it's been over a full month since our profile went live. In that time we have painted the nursery, hung curtains, bought a crib and dresser, and had a baby shower. Needless to say that I feel a little more prepared for the "call" now. Crossfit is still kicking our butts, however, I have never felt stronger. As the holidays draw near, school is heating up with Christmas program practices, talk of parties, and Christmas break. I am so glad that we have stayed busy. Some days I don't think I'm busy enough to not think about our wait and our sweet Angel baby.
In reality, waiting a month for an adoption is nothing. I see it a little differently though. I see us waiting for 3 years and 9 months. People tend to leave out the fact (or ignore) that we have been working on making our family a family of three for that long. As we wait, we will continue to prepare the nursery, work our already sore muscles even more, and pray for the call. If you are praying for us we are eternally grateful. I'll even give you a few specifics to pray for. Pray for the mother of our child, that God would open her heart to us. Pray for the sweet baby she carries that is growing inside of her. Pray for us that we continue to find peace in God and not in anything or anyone else. We love you all. Until next time, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy.
Back in July of 2011, Chase and I along with my immediate family, took a family vacation to Panama City Beach, FL. We had an amazing time. Everyday at lunch, after a morning of playing in the ocean or reading on the beach, we would all go back up to our room and eat lunch. I always chose to sit on the patio and look out at the clear blue water. As you can see from the photo, we were pretty high up so the only sounds you could hear were the waves crashing on the shore. 
