Possible

      The first day of February started out like any other day.  Well, a day that I had taken off from school at least.  The night before I had been feeling very dizzy and nauseous.  Since I still had a few sick days left, I just called in to take it easy.  I had been working really hard lately with my thriving business as well as teaching during the day.  Naturally, I thought I had just pushed too hard, and my body was telling me to slow down.  On more than one occasion during my Sunday school class, the ladies have talked about pushing your body to the limits, and when you do, God will slow you down.  Maybe this was one of those times, and He was trying to teach this hard-headed woman another lesson.
     He was teaching me a lesson alright.  Let's put a pin in that story for a second.  (I promise I'll come back and it will all flow together.  The English teacher in me will make sure of it.)  Back at the beginning of the new year 2017, there was a great deal of talk on social media about choosing a word to define the year.  Thinking it might not be a bad idea I scoured the internet looking for a word that I would choose for my own this year.  The word I chose was POSSIBLE.  Having my word, I emailed my favorite cuff designer, Liz Taylor, to inscribe the word on a beautiful cuff as a visual reminder (I am defiantly a visual person).  After the last few months I needed a little attitude adjustment.  I had some big dreams for myself, my new business, and my slowly growing family.  Matthew 19:26 came into my thoughts constantly; which says, "Jesus said, "with man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible'."  With the past year we had I needed something new and fresh to start my year.  What better way than reminding myself that the God who created the heavens and the earth loves me and with Him anything is truly possible.
     Back to my day off, I rested a good portion of the day and decided it was time to get up and moving.  On a whim I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I always keep a few lying around the house just to rule that out (after years of waiting and testing, one never knows when you might want to test).  Having only one test I sat down to take it.  Wouldn't know you that sucker read positive.  Now I'll shamefully admit that my first thought was not joy, it was pure irritation.  Irritated that I bought a cheap test and now it was reading a wrong answer.  It took me about 5 minutes to call Chase and ask him to bring home more tests; preferably the expensive kind and lots.
     While waiting for Chase to get off work and come home, I remember praying that if it is a false positive that we would be shown.  I wasn't ready to lose another baby.  With tears in my eyes I asked God to take control.  When Chase arrived home and I took the next 2 tests (just to make sure I wasn't losing my mind completely) and they both were positive, I think we both sat in shock for a while.  My mind began to run wild with different possibilities and situations.  As quickly as they came I had to shut them down.  I would lose sleep thinking about it and probably did those first few weeks.
     To be completely honest, I don't think I started breathing normally until after we reached the 12 weeks.  I still don't think that it has really sunk in that I'm pregnant and I'm close to the half way mark. The reality of this pregnancy still throws me off most days.  This has been a hard fought dream and it still feels like just that, a dream.  My heart rate still rises when a new unknown pain or ache comes on.  The only thing that I can think is, "is this it, will we lose this baby too".  The only thing I ever cling to is hope.  Hope and faith that God has this and always will.  After all with God all things are possible.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.

Blowing Off the Cobwebs

     I cannot believe it has been almost a year since my last post.  Deleting old posts and starting completely fresh seemed to be the best option to revive this blog.  Things have drastically changed in the past year for my little family.
     In April 2016, I opened my own clothing boutique with LuLaRoe.  What started out as a way for me to stay busy during the summer and make a little extra money for my little family turned into this living breathing organism.  Fire caught and I became one busy chick.
     With summer coming rather quickly and the school year drawing to a close, I wanted to get back to writing.  Writing has been a great vessel for me to jot down my thoughts through this process of starting our family.  I never wanted it to only focus on the positives (unicorns and sunshine) of our journey because quite frankly that's not how life works.  I wanted it to be real and raw.
     To be honest the other reason I went on a little hiatus was due to the fact that I didn't know what to write anymore.  I have always felt the same during this process with a little growth along the way.  Nothing new ever jumped into my brain and quite frankly I didn't want to begin repeating myself.  After all who wants to read the same material over and over again?  I wouldn't and I don't expect you would either.  There have been times when I knew I needed to open up blogger again and pour out some feelings.  However, it had been so long I wasn't sure I would still be able to.  But the word "quit" isn't in my vocabulary.  So sit back, relax, read and please share if you know someone who this blog might help.  As always Chasing Hope.

Tick Tock

     There are days were I have the hardest time seeing through the lining of our journey to a time when we will have children.  When this journey started I was a young 23 years of age.  I had those baby goggles on.  Thoughts of nurseries, maternity pants, and that baby lotion smell took up my every waking thought.  Never did it occur to me that it wouldn't take more than a year tops until we had our precious family of three. 
     Here we are four long difficult years later and I will be turning 27 within the week with no baby cradled in my arms.  I know that most of my more mature readers are rolling their eyes at my age.  By so many different standards and people, I am still young and to an extent I would agree to that.  When we had our first RE visit, Dr. O wasn't too concerned because I was still so young.  Even our adoption agency said that my age would be a benefit and potential mothers would see my young age as another advantage for their child. 
     When I was a little girl, I loved taking care of my babies and even had a baby that I named Baby (unique I know).  Aside from playing teacher, mommy was the role I have always loved best.  With each passing year it's another painful reminder that I have not met my lifelong goal.  I know God has a plan and I trust that.  I just wish sometimes He would let me in on a few key details, but that's not how He works.  Once again, here we wait; always praying.  So until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

No News

     I am pretty sure there is a country song with this title.  It has been a few months since I have posted an update and really since I have posted period.  There isn't much to report other than that our profile is being shown more.  We are just waiting for God to bring us to the right mother and child.  We ask for your continued prayers.  More specifically for the mother that she is safe and healthy and that she is led to us.  We have been praying for God to send us to the right situation.  We have discussed many times how we would rather have no match than to have a match fail.  For us, it would be the equivalent of a miscarriage.  Again, we thank you for all of your prayer and support.  Some day this will be a long joyful post.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

When Pigs Fly

     We have all heard the expression "when pigs fly" used a time or two.  Usually, it is paired with a negative comment or remark.  In todays post, it will be giving us hope. 
     Several months ago, I read the best devotion in my monthly women's devotional magazine.  The author was talking about how her mother kept telling her about how she had picked out the perfect birthday present for her.  Her mother went on and on about how she was going to love this present.  When the present was finally opened the package contained a rather large pig with wings. 
     Baffled as to why on earth her mother would buy her such an odd present, her mother went on to explain that the flying pig is a reminder that nothing (not even a flying pig) is impossible with God. 
     I really wish I would have cut out and kept that devotional.  It made such an impression on me that I made it my mission to find a flying pig for my house.  I looked high and low.  I finally found the cute little guy you see in the photo in a resale shop in Brandon, MO.  He sits right next to me every night when I watch TV, read, blog, or fill out adoption paper work. 
     Keeping this post short and sweet, I just want to remind you (and myself) that no matter what you are dealing with right now; nothing (not even a flying pig) is impossible with God.  He is the Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Great I Am, and so much more.  He parted seas, healed the sick, raised the dead, and created the universe.  No problem is too great or too big.  So, what is your flying pig?  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

But Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” ~ Matthew 19:26

When the Time Comes

     Recently we had some excitement on the adoption front, but before you get too excited it did not end with us becoming parents.  A wonderful friend of mine called me and told me that she had heard of a baby that had been born and the mother told the doctor that she wanted to sign over her rights (she wanted to put her baby up for adoption).  The doctor talked to his wife who in turn talked to my friend and this thoughtful friend thought of me.  (I know she will read this and I pray she won't be upset with me sharing with all of you.)  Even though the infant was placed with a local family, we became aware of a few things that needed to be discussed.  Questions like: who does the mother need to contact if you hear of someone wanting to sign over rights, the mother should make contact with me.  With a better plan in mind, I can't help but think about all of the thoughts that entered my mind in the three short hours where we didn't know what would happen or if we would be parents. 

     Mentally, I began packing our things in my head.  We have a small basic baby bag packed at all times that is bulging at the seams.  What would we really need to take with us that wasn't already in that bag? 
     As far as school was concerned, I would email the rest of my lesson plans for that week to whoever took my place.  I love my students and my job but this call was so much bigger.  Thankfully, my students know all about our adoption and would adapt to whatever happened in my absence. 
     I began to think about how reassuring it would be to have a friend near while we were waiting for our Interstate Compact to go through (this is the legal action that allows us to cross back into Illinois legally with our new baby).  And who's not to say that my mother or my mother-in-law wouldn't jump in the car and visit us.  Ultimately, my mind drifted to our son or daughter.  I did not know the gender of the baby, but my mind went wild with all of the possibilities of what the baby looked like, how much did he or she weigh, and what his or her health condition was. 
     As I impatiently waited to hear back from my friend, I found myself in a constant state of prayer.  The fact that this could be the day was both amazing and terrifying all at once.  The only prayer that I could utter was, "Lord, completely open the door so wide that the hinges would fly off, or slam it shut in our faces."  The harshness of the latter was and will never be lost on me.  On more than one occasion, I have been on the slamming side of that door and, man, can it hurt.  Every time I uttered that prayer I would add in that if the door was closed that I would be able to move past the devastation quickly. 
     When the door was finally closed on this situation for good, I couldn't help but cry a little.  But God is so good; He always picks up the pieces of my broken heart and puts them back together.  Looking back on this situation, I can't help but think of the whirlwind that could be our adoption call.  We could be connected with our birthmother when she is 7 months along and have time to get to know her or we could get the call saying we have been chosen and the baby is here.  If the latter occurs, the chaos that will ensue will be epic (and I never use that word lightly as my students love to over use it).  This "false alarm" has been an affirmation that when the time does come I can switch into crazy planner mode in a matter of seconds (something that up until this point has been sitting idle, which has been driving me crazy).  At that point everything will cease to exist but getting to our baby.  Until next time, impatiently waiting and always Chasing Hope. 

Fear Not

     Growing up I have always been afraid of something.  In general most people are or we wouldn't be human.  I hate spiders, storms, and bees (which includes anything with a stinger protruding out of its rear end).  The one thing that has always topped the true fear chart was not being able to have a baby.  I have always had this feeling that I would have a hard time getting pregnant.  As life would have it, I was correct.  When your worse fear becomes a reality I think either 2 things can happen 1) you let it consume you (I will say at times I let it) or 2) you put on your big girl panties and face it straight on with a whole lot of help from God.  I eventually chose option number 2. 
     Upon conquering an old fear, wouldn't you know that a new one appeared.  The day I found out I was pregnant was the most shocking experience of my life.  I did not allow myself the joy of getting excited until I had blood work done to ensure that I was pregnant.  In reality, I wasn't 100% sure of our pregnancy until I had the ultrasound and heard that precious heartbeat.  At that moment a new fear entered my brain what if I lose this baby?  Sadly, that fear did not have enough time to manifest itself because we lost our little Peanut a few weeks after hearing his heartbeat. 
     Chase and I have talked about adopting for several years and when the door was opened to us again we took that as God telling us it was time.  With every new adventure new fears will slowly creep in.  I don't know how many times someone asked a silly question like: "What if the mother changes her mind?"  More times than not, I want to just laugh and tell them if they have thought of that situation, then I have thought of ten different scenarios that could play out ten different ways. 
     Life is full of worry and anxiety.  When one disappears you can be sure that another will soon take its place.  The real question is will you let that fear/worry/anxiety or whatever, control you?
     A favorite verse of mine has always been: Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  (Philippians 4:6)  It wasn't until recently that I was reading through the whole books of Philippians that I stumbled upon the small sentence before it which reads "The Lord is near."  What an amazing reminder for us that in the midst of the raging storm we are in we can have the assurance that the Lord is right by our side.  I know that when we do have children we will be met with a whole new set of fears.  However, I will always try to remember that the Lord is near.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Under the Sea

     Finally a light-hearted post that is completely dedicated to our nursery.  From the moment I knew I wanted children I began planning the room that my precious son or daughter would be staying in.  For the longest time, I knew that our nursery would be very gender specific, after all it wouldn't take us long to get pregnant.  The longer the wait became the more I had my heart set on not finding out the gender of our baby if we did end up pregnant.  We are still in the same situation with our adoption.  Being open to any gender was another way for us to be chosen faster.  However, I did not want to bring my tiny newborn home to some lifeless room, but I also didn't want it to be gender specific either. 
     We found our answer while on vacation in the summer of 2014.  Strolling through a Bed, Bath and Beyond in the small Vero Beach community in Florida, we found the canvas print that you see below on the left.  The colorful fish spoke to me and at that moment I knew that this was the start of our nursery.  Chase and I love everything about the beach and the ocean.  So much so that our master suite is a beach theme.  Upon returning home we found the canvas on the left at our Bed, Bath and Beyond closer to home.  My favorite pieces would have to be the three metal works of art we found this summer in Myrtle Beach which you see below as well.  They match perfectly with our already existing prints. 

 

     When we signed with Angel we began clearing out our front bedroom.  During our home visit for our home study the room was completely cleared and empty, but we hadn't begun painting yet.  I knew that with all the colorful art we were collecting that the wall color should be a neutral color.  Scouring the internet, I loved the gray color that I found on almost every trendy wall.  My dad is a very meticulous painter so I knew I could ask him and he would get the job done well.  He always pulls through.  Upon seeing the room I was initially nervous that I had chosen a color too dark, but I had to trust my decorating gut on this one because my end product looked amazing (maybe even magazine worthy) in my head. 

    

     Finally a few months later, our nursery is complete.  With the help of several Etsy shops and some amazingly talented store owners, I bring to you our nursery.  I was never set on a typical nursery set and glad I didn't settle for one.  Find pieces from the four winds sounded just like our style and possibly how we would find our Angel baby.  

     The jelly fish came from an Etsy shop and look even better in person.  The rocker (a personal favorite) is one that I finally found on Babies-R-Us (online only).  My wonderful mother bought it for us for Christmas. 

 

 

     The picture frames came from another Etsy shop.  They were a little pricy, but well put together and look phenomenal.  You can customize colors and sizes.  The canvas on the far left is from an Etsy shop as well and I made the other one.  In the shop you purchase the wording and can put in on canvas, frame, or wall art you want.  I used Wal-Mart and they were very affordable.  The net and the lettering came from my almost sister-in-law who helped throw our shower.  The "baby" will stay up until we have our little one in our arms.  To our families disappointment, we will not share the names we have picked.  I will say that they will fit in the space. 

 

     I had a blast finding the perfect piece to our nursery.  The planning, purchasing, and making sure everything is in place has been a genuine distraction.  I just pray that it will be filled with a sweet baby some day soon.  Others are reading this post and wondering why I put the cart before the horse.  I couldn't imagine bringing my first child home to a boring nursery.  It just isn't my style.  Every woman goes through the nesting phase of their pregnancy where she plans and cleans like crazy.  The best part of this phase is that she knows in a certain number weeks she will bring home a tiny bundle of joy to fill it.  Not having that luxury, I have tried to make the best of my current situation and nest a little myself.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope.  

Dream a Little Dream

     Back in July of 2011, Chase and I along with my immediate family, took a family vacation to Panama City Beach, FL.  We had an amazing time.  Everyday at lunch, after a morning of playing in the ocean or reading on the beach, we would all go back up to our room and eat lunch.  I always chose to sit on the patio and look out at the clear blue water.  As you can see from the photo, we were pretty high up so the only sounds you could hear were the waves crashing on the shore. 
     Could life get any better than this?  At this point Chase and I had been married for a little over a year.  I began to think of how much fun it would be to bring a baby to the beach and watch him run to the oceans edge only to come running back because the waves were too big.  Packing would be a nightmare with all of the extra necessities, but all the cute outfits and swimsuits were just too much to resist.  The dreaming began. 
     We have been back to the beach with my family a total of 3 times now and we are still just dreaming about that beach baby.  However, I do not plan my vacation around a possible baby any more.  I will not allow myself to go there and think about all the different things we would do.  With each passing year, it is just another disappointment and a reminder that we still aren't a family of three on vacation.  When I dream of a vacation with a "baby" I begin to think that it will always be just that, a dream. 
     Again that's where hope comes into play.  One day we will have that sun-kissed beach baby, but until that time we will try our best to enjoy those beach days together.  After all some of my favorite memories have happened at the beach.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

What a Difference a Year Makes

     Ah, a snow day, I love being a teacher and I love my students.  Although, there is nothing better than getting a call saying it's too cold and snowy to come to school.  As I sit and gaze out my living room window at the peaceful woods behind our house, I can't help but think how different things were just a short year ago. 
     One year ago, I was waking up from a dreamless sleep in a hospital room after my D&C.  I remember the look on Chases face as I wiped the sleep from my eyes.  It was one of worry, and I couldn't figure out why.  Once I quite asking the same question over and over again, he asked if I knew what happened while I was under.  Thankfully, I had no clue that I had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic they gave me.  Nothing major just an all over rash; thus causing the short 15 minute procedure to turn into over 45 minutes in the operating room.  I thank God for the advances in modern medicine because the last thing I remember is the sweet doctor calmly talking to me and the nursing staff. 
     It's so crazy how we remember the littlest details about a certain an event.  I remember my awesome best friend kept tabs on me that early morning.  As I began to come around I wanted Chase to take a picture of me with a silly face and send it to her.  The no make-up shot plus the goofy face was hysterical and the caption read, "I don't think the meds have worn off yet."  She sent me back a message saying that she was in an important meeting and opened my message thinking it was an update.  It was an update all right.  Oops, being a responsible and mature adult is overrated in my book.  If I'm not laughing; I'm crying and I hate crying.  So, I would rather laugh situations out. 
     I type this all today not because I am sad.  I will always, always miss my sweet Peanut and think about him daily.  I wonder how big he would be, and what he would look like.  I type this out because in my Time Hop from a year ago I shared a blog post about our miscarriage.  However, another occasion popped up the same day 6 years earlier, which was a count down to our honeymoon in Hawaii.  Life is full of highs and some very low, lows, but there is always hope for the next day, week, month, or even year.  There is a beautiful song by Newsboys called "Your Love Never Fails".  My favorite lyric in the song is "there may be pain in the night but JOY comes in the morning".  God is so good to give us a promise of hope for the next day.  Even though we are still in the middle of our journey, I still have hope that the next day will always hold something new and better.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

 

I See You

I see you standing over there looking at me talking to the sweet blue-eyed baby in my arms. 
You don't know me and I don't know you.
I see you smile; unknowingly watching me cuddle and snuggle with him. 
You look on as I talk to him about all the people walking about.
You see me plant a kiss in his messy hair. 
You chuckle as I playfully blow a raspberry on his pudgy cheek.  
What you don't know is that he is not mine; he is my nephew. 
You see dear stranger for I minute I see what it must be like to watch a mother take care of her child. 
I feel the acceptance from you over an accomplishment I haven't yet made. 
You see dear stranger for just a minute you made me feel something that I have longed for since I was a little girl. 
You made me feel like a mother. 

O Christmas Tree

     O Christmas tree, you really are beautiful.  Each colored light sparkles in the darkness of our living room.  Every branch adorned with a memory of our marriage.  Your shining star gleams in the darkness like a beacon of hope for all the world awaiting Santa's arrival and the celebration of our Lord's birth.  The icing on the cake, tinsel (which my husband doesn't understand how to put on and can never seem to place just right) glistens on the tip of every branch. 
     Yet, looking at you as I have every night since putting you up, I cannot help but constantly think what a different sight you should have seen this year.  You should have seen a little baby perched right in front of you dressed in a "my first Christmas" outfit.  A baby straining to take hold of a branch or two and rob you of a few needles in hopes of grabbing a glittery ornament.  There should have been a multitude of perfectly wrapped packages around you this year.  On Christmas Eve you would have seen two giddy parents making sure everything was impeccable for their baby's first Christmas because you know all baby's remember their first Christmas.  You might have even seen a few family nights snuggled on the couch with a roaring fire burning this Christmas season.  From your position you would have seen love, joy, and so much happiness.
     What you saw instead was a couple trying to figure out how to survive their first Christmas without their baby that should have seen all of those things.  You watched as we wrapped fewer presents.  Ever glistening, you watched as we drank a little too much wine and held each other close just trying to survive the cheer of the holiday's without that precious child.  You heard endless conversation preps of our responses to what others might ask of us about our "family".  You stood silent as we quietly opened our presents from each other not wanting to mention how things would have been different this year around you, O Christmas tree. 
     Yes, dear Christmas tree, I know that you are not what makes the season merry, but some how you do.  Your presence seems to capture the magic and glow of the season.  As I look at you now, I can't help but pray that next year will be different.  Next year has something that every new year holds, hope.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

The Waiting Game

     Of all the hurdles we have had to jump through in the last three years, I have found the wait time of our adoption to be the most excruciating experience.  With our infertility journey, each new cycle presented itself with a method or steps to follow. 

1.  Begin cycle and track days
2.  Take meds cycle days 3-7
3.  Begin tracking ovulation on day 10
4.  On peak day have fun (or try to)
5.  Day 17 head to the lab for blood work to ensure of an ovulation serge 
6.  Wait until period begins (which is always inevitable)
7.  Cry, eat chocolate, call the doctor for more meds
8.  Repeat 
    
     Adoption, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game.  In the beginning it was stressful.  All the paperwork, making sure you have the correct forms, interviews, home visits and so much more were enough to push anyone off the deep end.  What I wasn't prepared for was the endless wait.  There is nothing to do.  We are at the mercy of the agency and potential birthmothers. 
     Just the other day I sent an email to Angel asking almost begging for something to be able to do.  I knew the answer to my foolish question was that we just had to wait, but I wanted to make sure.  I also know that our agency deals with a large amount of people, and there are other couples who have been waiting longer than we have.  She reminded me that we have only been waiting for 5 months and that the average wait time is 11-18 months.  I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't irritated.  I was a little ticked.  Yes, we have only been waiting 5 short months with you but that does not discount the years we have been waiting to become parents. 
     I am getting so tired of "waiting".  As of this moment we have been waiting to have a child for 3 years and 9 months.  Friends, cousins, and so many others have had children some even lapping me having their second child.  Here I sit with empty arms and a broken heart.  It seems like this period of my life will never end.  This post won't end with a good feeling or word to the wise because frankly I'm not very wise.  It will just simply end with what I have come to see as a period that might never end for me, the wait.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Choosing Joy

     I know I have approached this subject before, but I wanted to add more and go a little deeper if you will.  There are things in life that bring you joy such as: going on vacation, going shopping, seeing family members, and doing something that you love.  In each of the items listed above there is one commonality, all are temporary.  You have heard the expression all good things must come to an end.  Eventually the vacation will end.  Family members will leave, and the money runs out.  I'm talking about something deeper, finding true joy. 
     There have been so many days where I am just exhausted by the ever winding road we are traveling down.  Moments that creep up on me where I am overwhelmed by the hopelessness of ever becoming a mother.  Thoughts of always having an empty home and an unfilled nursery.  Such toxic thoughts that only take a bigger, darker shape as you sit and truly think about your situation. 
     Several weeks ago, I was down in that dark pit of depression, when we had just received our first report from Angel regarding our live profile.  At this point, they are able to show any birthmother our profile.  Well the report yielded 1 viewing (an actual hard paper copy) and 68 internet views.  In a recent post, I attached our link to Angel so everyone could see it online.  I am so thankful that some of you did.  However, I don't feel that one potential mother looked at us in the month of October.  By being home study ready, I just knew that more doors would be opened and more mothers would be able to look at our profile. 
     The email came on a Thursday; therefore, I had all weekend to stew and wallow in my self-pity.  Several times I prayed for God to really help me find joy in life because I knew it sure hadn't been any place that I was looking.  On Monday morning, I sat down to do my devotion and find that my Sunday school workbook was in the car.  Always having a back-up plan, I grabbed the October edition of our women's devotional.  I flipped to the actual date, Monday, October 26 and looked at the title, "The Foundation of Joy" and immediately felt goose bumps rising on my body.  My friends there is no such thing as coincidence, it's God.  The scripture fit perfectly, as it always does, from Psalm 16:11 saying, "You reveal the path of life to me; in YOUR presence is abundant joy; in YOUR right hand are eternal pleasures." 
     The devotion goes on to ask if some of life's circumstances are creating killjoys for you.  Wow, that hit the nail right on the head.  There are so many times where the things of life and our journey to have a family have depleted all of my joy.  However, God never intended for those circumstances to be the foundation of our joy.  Only in Him will we find joy and everlasting happiness, pleasure, and goodness.  Friends these are not my words I could never put together something so beautiful and poetic, all of it comes from God.  As we face the difficult situations in life (and you know we will), we should look to our Lord who is so much bigger and stronger than the trials of life.  The devotion always ends with a "Steps of Faith" prayer.  I loved this one so much that I wrote it down in my bible.  I am not a person who usually goes for a wrote prayer but this one sums up what I need to say to God everyday.

     Heavenly Father, may I not allow the circumstances of this life dictate my joy.  Give me the grace to remember that true, everlasting joy is found in knowing You.  Help me to make You the joy and treasure of my heart now and always. 

     What is stealing your joy?  I know I am not the only one who lets life get the best of her sometimes.  Since reading that devotion, I pray that prayer every morning.  On days that I get in a hurry and forget, I can tell that I have missed something.  Life begins to drag me down.  Remember that true joy doesn't come from anything that we could ever do or say; true joy comes from our God who loves us and wants us to find that joy in Him.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy, true joy. 

1 Month Waiting

     I can't believe it's been over a full month since our profile went live.  In that time we have painted the nursery, hung curtains, bought a crib and dresser, and had a baby shower.  Needless to say that I feel a little more prepared for the "call" now.  Crossfit is still kicking our butts, however, I have never felt stronger.  As the holidays draw near, school is heating up with Christmas program practices, talk of parties, and Christmas break.  I am so glad that we have stayed busy.  Some days I don't think I'm busy enough to not think about our wait and our sweet Angel baby. 
    In reality, waiting a month for an adoption is nothing.  I see it a little differently though.  I see us waiting for 3 years and 9 months.  People tend to leave out the fact (or ignore) that we have been working on making our family a family of three for that long.  As we wait, we will continue to prepare the nursery, work our already sore muscles even more, and pray for the call.  If you are praying for us we are eternally grateful.  I'll even give you a few specifics to pray for.  Pray for the mother of our child, that God would open her heart to us.  Pray for the sweet baby she carries that is growing inside of her.  Pray for us that we continue to find peace in God and not in anything or anyone else.  We love you all.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy. 

WE'RE LIVE!!!!!

     It's finally official; after several weeks of waiting we are finally home study approved and live on the internet.  Now a mother could chose us who is nine months and a day pregnant or still early on in her pregnancy.  She could even view our profile now via the internet on the Angel website in the comfort of her own home.  So, here we are ready to wait, pray, and repeat.  Hoping and praying that getting a match doesn't take the full two years or sixteen months (our real time frame because it took us four months to become home study approved).  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and patiently waiting. 

The Dreaded Baby Registry

     Sitting in the car outside of Babies 'R' Us, I am filled with this sickening feeling way down deep in the pit of my stomach.  I know I need to go into this baby fueled building and register for my upcoming baby shower.  The only thoughts running through my mind are completely toxic.  How will this go?  Will they judge me as soon as I walk in and don't have that bump?  What will they say once I share that we are adopting?  Will they even consider me a mommy?  All of these questions are insane; frankly because I don't know anyone and why would they care.
     Walking a little too quickly to the door and a cold chill in the air, I enter with my other rock by my side.  I am so relieved that Chase came with me.  Stepping up to the counter I see that it is vacant (thank you God) and sit down in front of a clipboard where I will have to fill out information about myself.  Great here come the crazy questions.  Almost instantly I am speechless all over what line two on the form says.  Are you adopting?  That little line made every little fear vanish until the employee came over to "help". 
     Upon sitting down she's asks a simple question.  When are you due?  For a woman like myself it is one I hate to hear.  There isn't a due date, at least not yet.  The only think I could think of to say was, "1-24 months".  I'm a smarty pants what can I say.  That got her to look up from her computer and I said that we were adopting which she would have been able to see if she would have looked at the application I handed her.  No harm, I'll assume the adoption registry is rare, but I am so grateful that it is even an option. 
     Then she proceeded to ask when the due date was.  I guess in order for them to register a couple into the computer you have to put in a date.  Well, as I just told her not five minutes before that we were adopting and didn't have a date.  I know people don't think this way, but if a couple is adopting the odds might weigh heavily that they can't have children or are having problems having them.  Why would you continue to ask a woman who doesn't know what to say and mentioned that we were adopting, the same question a million times?  Finally settling on the shower date, we moved past that wonderful question and arrive to the fun part, adding items to our registry. 
     All I have to say is WOW, they make so much baby stuff.  It was so overwhelming just looking and trying to figure out what we might need.  I cannot imagine having the extra added hormones of a pregnancy and making a registry.  We fire off a few things because honestly we just want to stick with the basics.  Making our way back to our to the counter, we spot our lady that helped us fill out the paper work.  To tie a bow on what I knew would be a strange trip, she proceeded to tell me how she was a doula and if we needed anything here was all of her contact information.  Again not pregnant or having a baby, it was too bad that she couldn't remember that little bubble I filled in earlier. 
     The long and short of this post is that adoption is making its way a little stronger into our culture.  Sadly, the worker awareness when helping a potential mother might not be the best but at least it's a start.  Any progress is progress I guess.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

My Blogiversary

    

     WOW, I can't believe that it has been one year since I hit the publish button to complete my first blog post.  To take that a step further I took another huge leap of faith and shared it via Facebook.  If you would have told me last year that people would actually read what I write I would have told you sure but only my family will read.  They have to right?  From the bottom of my heart I thank you for reading and some of you even share it with your friends who don't know me.  I pray that this blog continues to help others during their infertility and adoption journeys.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

To Shower or Not to Shower

     That my friends is a huge question, and I'm not talking about hygiene.  I have been going back and forth about this situation in my head since we started the adoption process.  Searching the depths of the internet, I looked high and low and finally came to a decision.  It is completely up to me. 
     I know for a fact that God has a baby in mind for us, and who knows I could eat my words later on down the road.  Not that it wouldn't be a new concept for me.  Here is what I know.  When we do get that glorious call to rush to the hospital, I want to be ready.  It could be that we are picked and have time to wait, but I don't want to take a chance of getting that call and not being prepared.  It just simply won't work for me and isn't in my personality. 
     There have been several people mention about not being chosen or coming up babyless for lack of a better word.  This was another endless conversation in my head too and one that I try hard not to think about.  When we signed on with Angel I felt a calm like I've never felt in all the years we spent trying to conceive.  Everything also went through so perfectly that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God opened this door for a reason.  My friends I do not believe in coincidence. 
     So, my best friend in the entire world is throwing me a shower next month.  Will it be different?  You bet it will not because she won't throw an amazing shower, but because there is no baby nor a hint of a bump.  However, I cannot think of any other time in my marriage where things have been normal or according to plan, so why start now?  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

There Are These Boys ...

     I have re-written this post at least three times trying to express my true feelings about my boys.  On April 3 2012, life as I knew it was about to completely change forever.  That was the day that my first nephew H was born, and the day I became an aunt.  In addition to that independent three year old, I have three other ornery nephews who always seem to brighten up my darkest of days. 
     When I discovered that I was going to be an aunt again, I could not imagine how there would be enough room to love another baby like I did with H.  It's truly amazing how God set up the human heart to grow as others come into our lives.  With the arrival of nephew number two N (to quote my favorite Christmas movie The Grinch) my heart grew three sizes on that early spring morning. 
     I remember the day that both of the oldest boys began to call me by my name.  With H we practiced all the time.  These were my pre-teaching years and I babysat quite a bit and every time he would come over I would say my name over and over until he picked it up.  It wasn't as easy with N, I eventually had to bribe him with little Hostess donuts before he would say my name.  The last two (G and P) haven't turned one yet and can't talk; I guess I will give them a little longer to practice. 
     I love each of my boys equally, but the last two saved me in a way.  You see they were both born on a cold February day within three days of each other.  It was a chaotic week for our family and a little nerve racking for me.  Just two weeks before I received the worst news of my life, that Peanut wouldn't get to meet his cousins.  To be honest I was so scared to even go to the hospital to see my new nephews.  However, I serve an amazing God who in times of sorrow takes something rotten and transforms it into something beautiful.  Going to see my new sweet boys, fixed every broken part of my heart.  To this day I just love to see them both growing and smiling. 
     I know I don't have much time with my boys now, as they are growing up way too fast.  I couldn't imagine a life without block throwing, big wheel racing, wrestling, big hugs and even sticky kisses.  This post may sound a little braggy (if that's not a word it is now) ,but I have the best nephews in the whole world.  Each of my boys are different, and I couldn't love them any more.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope.