O Christmas Tree

     O Christmas tree, you really are beautiful.  Each colored light sparkles in the darkness of our living room.  Every branch adorned with a memory of our marriage.  Your shining star gleams in the darkness like a beacon of hope for all the world awaiting Santa's arrival and the celebration of our Lord's birth.  The icing on the cake, tinsel (which my husband doesn't understand how to put on and can never seem to place just right) glistens on the tip of every branch. 
     Yet, looking at you as I have every night since putting you up, I cannot help but constantly think what a different sight you should have seen this year.  You should have seen a little baby perched right in front of you dressed in a "my first Christmas" outfit.  A baby straining to take hold of a branch or two and rob you of a few needles in hopes of grabbing a glittery ornament.  There should have been a multitude of perfectly wrapped packages around you this year.  On Christmas Eve you would have seen two giddy parents making sure everything was impeccable for their baby's first Christmas because you know all baby's remember their first Christmas.  You might have even seen a few family nights snuggled on the couch with a roaring fire burning this Christmas season.  From your position you would have seen love, joy, and so much happiness.
     What you saw instead was a couple trying to figure out how to survive their first Christmas without their baby that should have seen all of those things.  You watched as we wrapped fewer presents.  Ever glistening, you watched as we drank a little too much wine and held each other close just trying to survive the cheer of the holiday's without that precious child.  You heard endless conversation preps of our responses to what others might ask of us about our "family".  You stood silent as we quietly opened our presents from each other not wanting to mention how things would have been different this year around you, O Christmas tree. 
     Yes, dear Christmas tree, I know that you are not what makes the season merry, but some how you do.  Your presence seems to capture the magic and glow of the season.  As I look at you now, I can't help but pray that next year will be different.  Next year has something that every new year holds, hope.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

The Waiting Game

     Of all the hurdles we have had to jump through in the last three years, I have found the wait time of our adoption to be the most excruciating experience.  With our infertility journey, each new cycle presented itself with a method or steps to follow. 

1.  Begin cycle and track days
2.  Take meds cycle days 3-7
3.  Begin tracking ovulation on day 10
4.  On peak day have fun (or try to)
5.  Day 17 head to the lab for blood work to ensure of an ovulation serge 
6.  Wait until period begins (which is always inevitable)
7.  Cry, eat chocolate, call the doctor for more meds
8.  Repeat 
    
     Adoption, on the other hand, is a whole different ball game.  In the beginning it was stressful.  All the paperwork, making sure you have the correct forms, interviews, home visits and so much more were enough to push anyone off the deep end.  What I wasn't prepared for was the endless wait.  There is nothing to do.  We are at the mercy of the agency and potential birthmothers. 
     Just the other day I sent an email to Angel asking almost begging for something to be able to do.  I knew the answer to my foolish question was that we just had to wait, but I wanted to make sure.  I also know that our agency deals with a large amount of people, and there are other couples who have been waiting longer than we have.  She reminded me that we have only been waiting for 5 months and that the average wait time is 11-18 months.  I'm not going to lie and say that I wasn't irritated.  I was a little ticked.  Yes, we have only been waiting 5 short months with you but that does not discount the years we have been waiting to become parents. 
     I am getting so tired of "waiting".  As of this moment we have been waiting to have a child for 3 years and 9 months.  Friends, cousins, and so many others have had children some even lapping me having their second child.  Here I sit with empty arms and a broken heart.  It seems like this period of my life will never end.  This post won't end with a good feeling or word to the wise because frankly I'm not very wise.  It will just simply end with what I have come to see as a period that might never end for me, the wait.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Choosing Joy

     I know I have approached this subject before, but I wanted to add more and go a little deeper if you will.  There are things in life that bring you joy such as: going on vacation, going shopping, seeing family members, and doing something that you love.  In each of the items listed above there is one commonality, all are temporary.  You have heard the expression all good things must come to an end.  Eventually the vacation will end.  Family members will leave, and the money runs out.  I'm talking about something deeper, finding true joy. 
     There have been so many days where I am just exhausted by the ever winding road we are traveling down.  Moments that creep up on me where I am overwhelmed by the hopelessness of ever becoming a mother.  Thoughts of always having an empty home and an unfilled nursery.  Such toxic thoughts that only take a bigger, darker shape as you sit and truly think about your situation. 
     Several weeks ago, I was down in that dark pit of depression, when we had just received our first report from Angel regarding our live profile.  At this point, they are able to show any birthmother our profile.  Well the report yielded 1 viewing (an actual hard paper copy) and 68 internet views.  In a recent post, I attached our link to Angel so everyone could see it online.  I am so thankful that some of you did.  However, I don't feel that one potential mother looked at us in the month of October.  By being home study ready, I just knew that more doors would be opened and more mothers would be able to look at our profile. 
     The email came on a Thursday; therefore, I had all weekend to stew and wallow in my self-pity.  Several times I prayed for God to really help me find joy in life because I knew it sure hadn't been any place that I was looking.  On Monday morning, I sat down to do my devotion and find that my Sunday school workbook was in the car.  Always having a back-up plan, I grabbed the October edition of our women's devotional.  I flipped to the actual date, Monday, October 26 and looked at the title, "The Foundation of Joy" and immediately felt goose bumps rising on my body.  My friends there is no such thing as coincidence, it's God.  The scripture fit perfectly, as it always does, from Psalm 16:11 saying, "You reveal the path of life to me; in YOUR presence is abundant joy; in YOUR right hand are eternal pleasures." 
     The devotion goes on to ask if some of life's circumstances are creating killjoys for you.  Wow, that hit the nail right on the head.  There are so many times where the things of life and our journey to have a family have depleted all of my joy.  However, God never intended for those circumstances to be the foundation of our joy.  Only in Him will we find joy and everlasting happiness, pleasure, and goodness.  Friends these are not my words I could never put together something so beautiful and poetic, all of it comes from God.  As we face the difficult situations in life (and you know we will), we should look to our Lord who is so much bigger and stronger than the trials of life.  The devotion always ends with a "Steps of Faith" prayer.  I loved this one so much that I wrote it down in my bible.  I am not a person who usually goes for a wrote prayer but this one sums up what I need to say to God everyday.

     Heavenly Father, may I not allow the circumstances of this life dictate my joy.  Give me the grace to remember that true, everlasting joy is found in knowing You.  Help me to make You the joy and treasure of my heart now and always. 

     What is stealing your joy?  I know I am not the only one who lets life get the best of her sometimes.  Since reading that devotion, I pray that prayer every morning.  On days that I get in a hurry and forget, I can tell that I have missed something.  Life begins to drag me down.  Remember that true joy doesn't come from anything that we could ever do or say; true joy comes from our God who loves us and wants us to find that joy in Him.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy, true joy. 

1 Month Waiting

     I can't believe it's been over a full month since our profile went live.  In that time we have painted the nursery, hung curtains, bought a crib and dresser, and had a baby shower.  Needless to say that I feel a little more prepared for the "call" now.  Crossfit is still kicking our butts, however, I have never felt stronger.  As the holidays draw near, school is heating up with Christmas program practices, talk of parties, and Christmas break.  I am so glad that we have stayed busy.  Some days I don't think I'm busy enough to not think about our wait and our sweet Angel baby. 
    In reality, waiting a month for an adoption is nothing.  I see it a little differently though.  I see us waiting for 3 years and 9 months.  People tend to leave out the fact (or ignore) that we have been working on making our family a family of three for that long.  As we wait, we will continue to prepare the nursery, work our already sore muscles even more, and pray for the call.  If you are praying for us we are eternally grateful.  I'll even give you a few specifics to pray for.  Pray for the mother of our child, that God would open her heart to us.  Pray for the sweet baby she carries that is growing inside of her.  Pray for us that we continue to find peace in God and not in anything or anyone else.  We love you all.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope & Choosing Joy. 

WE'RE LIVE!!!!!

     It's finally official; after several weeks of waiting we are finally home study approved and live on the internet.  Now a mother could chose us who is nine months and a day pregnant or still early on in her pregnancy.  She could even view our profile now via the internet on the Angel website in the comfort of her own home.  So, here we are ready to wait, pray, and repeat.  Hoping and praying that getting a match doesn't take the full two years or sixteen months (our real time frame because it took us four months to become home study approved).  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and patiently waiting. 

The Dreaded Baby Registry

     Sitting in the car outside of Babies 'R' Us, I am filled with this sickening feeling way down deep in the pit of my stomach.  I know I need to go into this baby fueled building and register for my upcoming baby shower.  The only thoughts running through my mind are completely toxic.  How will this go?  Will they judge me as soon as I walk in and don't have that bump?  What will they say once I share that we are adopting?  Will they even consider me a mommy?  All of these questions are insane; frankly because I don't know anyone and why would they care.
     Walking a little too quickly to the door and a cold chill in the air, I enter with my other rock by my side.  I am so relieved that Chase came with me.  Stepping up to the counter I see that it is vacant (thank you God) and sit down in front of a clipboard where I will have to fill out information about myself.  Great here come the crazy questions.  Almost instantly I am speechless all over what line two on the form says.  Are you adopting?  That little line made every little fear vanish until the employee came over to "help". 
     Upon sitting down she's asks a simple question.  When are you due?  For a woman like myself it is one I hate to hear.  There isn't a due date, at least not yet.  The only think I could think of to say was, "1-24 months".  I'm a smarty pants what can I say.  That got her to look up from her computer and I said that we were adopting which she would have been able to see if she would have looked at the application I handed her.  No harm, I'll assume the adoption registry is rare, but I am so grateful that it is even an option. 
     Then she proceeded to ask when the due date was.  I guess in order for them to register a couple into the computer you have to put in a date.  Well, as I just told her not five minutes before that we were adopting and didn't have a date.  I know people don't think this way, but if a couple is adopting the odds might weigh heavily that they can't have children or are having problems having them.  Why would you continue to ask a woman who doesn't know what to say and mentioned that we were adopting, the same question a million times?  Finally settling on the shower date, we moved past that wonderful question and arrive to the fun part, adding items to our registry. 
     All I have to say is WOW, they make so much baby stuff.  It was so overwhelming just looking and trying to figure out what we might need.  I cannot imagine having the extra added hormones of a pregnancy and making a registry.  We fire off a few things because honestly we just want to stick with the basics.  Making our way back to our to the counter, we spot our lady that helped us fill out the paper work.  To tie a bow on what I knew would be a strange trip, she proceeded to tell me how she was a doula and if we needed anything here was all of her contact information.  Again not pregnant or having a baby, it was too bad that she couldn't remember that little bubble I filled in earlier. 
     The long and short of this post is that adoption is making its way a little stronger into our culture.  Sadly, the worker awareness when helping a potential mother might not be the best but at least it's a start.  Any progress is progress I guess.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

My Blogiversary

    

     WOW, I can't believe that it has been one year since I hit the publish button to complete my first blog post.  To take that a step further I took another huge leap of faith and shared it via Facebook.  If you would have told me last year that people would actually read what I write I would have told you sure but only my family will read.  They have to right?  From the bottom of my heart I thank you for reading and some of you even share it with your friends who don't know me.  I pray that this blog continues to help others during their infertility and adoption journeys.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

To Shower or Not to Shower

     That my friends is a huge question, and I'm not talking about hygiene.  I have been going back and forth about this situation in my head since we started the adoption process.  Searching the depths of the internet, I looked high and low and finally came to a decision.  It is completely up to me. 
     I know for a fact that God has a baby in mind for us, and who knows I could eat my words later on down the road.  Not that it wouldn't be a new concept for me.  Here is what I know.  When we do get that glorious call to rush to the hospital, I want to be ready.  It could be that we are picked and have time to wait, but I don't want to take a chance of getting that call and not being prepared.  It just simply won't work for me and isn't in my personality. 
     There have been several people mention about not being chosen or coming up babyless for lack of a better word.  This was another endless conversation in my head too and one that I try hard not to think about.  When we signed on with Angel I felt a calm like I've never felt in all the years we spent trying to conceive.  Everything also went through so perfectly that I know without a shadow of a doubt that God opened this door for a reason.  My friends I do not believe in coincidence. 
     So, my best friend in the entire world is throwing me a shower next month.  Will it be different?  You bet it will not because she won't throw an amazing shower, but because there is no baby nor a hint of a bump.  However, I cannot think of any other time in my marriage where things have been normal or according to plan, so why start now?  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

There Are These Boys ...

     I have re-written this post at least three times trying to express my true feelings about my boys.  On April 3 2012, life as I knew it was about to completely change forever.  That was the day that my first nephew H was born, and the day I became an aunt.  In addition to that independent three year old, I have three other ornery nephews who always seem to brighten up my darkest of days. 
     When I discovered that I was going to be an aunt again, I could not imagine how there would be enough room to love another baby like I did with H.  It's truly amazing how God set up the human heart to grow as others come into our lives.  With the arrival of nephew number two N (to quote my favorite Christmas movie The Grinch) my heart grew three sizes on that early spring morning. 
     I remember the day that both of the oldest boys began to call me by my name.  With H we practiced all the time.  These were my pre-teaching years and I babysat quite a bit and every time he would come over I would say my name over and over until he picked it up.  It wasn't as easy with N, I eventually had to bribe him with little Hostess donuts before he would say my name.  The last two (G and P) haven't turned one yet and can't talk; I guess I will give them a little longer to practice. 
     I love each of my boys equally, but the last two saved me in a way.  You see they were both born on a cold February day within three days of each other.  It was a chaotic week for our family and a little nerve racking for me.  Just two weeks before I received the worst news of my life, that Peanut wouldn't get to meet his cousins.  To be honest I was so scared to even go to the hospital to see my new nephews.  However, I serve an amazing God who in times of sorrow takes something rotten and transforms it into something beautiful.  Going to see my new sweet boys, fixed every broken part of my heart.  To this day I just love to see them both growing and smiling. 
     I know I don't have much time with my boys now, as they are growing up way too fast.  I couldn't imagine a life without block throwing, big wheel racing, wrestling, big hugs and even sticky kisses.  This post may sound a little braggy (if that's not a word it is now) ,but I have the best nephews in the whole world.  Each of my boys are different, and I couldn't love them any more.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Hurry Up & Wait

     I can't believe it's already September.  It's a little sad that August only saw two measly posts.  I will say that with school starting and finishing our home study my hands were at times literally tied.  Within the next few weeks we will be home study ready.  This means at any point we could be called to either meet a birthmother who has a due date or a birthmother has picked us and we need to go to the hospital as soon as we can to meet our angel.  We have come to the part that I have dreaded since we made the decision to adopt, the waiting period.  For the last 3 months or so we've been busting our butts to prepare for the home study, and now that it's over I am not sure what to do with myself. 
     The obvious is to get our nursery ready, which means shopping, darn the luck.  Once the nursery is ready what do I do?  I have had so many people tell me that they are praying for us and that means so much to us.  Others have added that we won't be waiting long before we have that sweet baby home, and I can't help but plaster on my fake smile, sigh, and say, "yeah maybe". 
     When the truth is that we could get a call in 6 months, a year from now, or (I pray it doesn't come to this) 2 years from now.  We just don't know and I really do appreciate everyone's positive attitude towards us.  But I've also been on the side of wanting a child for so long that most of those cute dreams begin to fade away.  I hate to always be a Debbie Downer but I HAVE to stay on this side of things so I don't break my own heart.  Every time we have been to the beach I dream of what it would be like to be chasing around a child who upon getting to the waters edge and sees the waves runs back to Chase or me.  Yet, every trip back, every year back is another reminder that my dream is just that a dream. 
     At times, I feel so jaded by our experience that I can't get past some of the emotional stuff and let me tell you I hate emotional stuff.  For now we will finish our nursery, keep fundraising, may be run a 5K or two to pass the time and wait for the day when we will be parents.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Scattered Toys

     Being an aunt comes with many jobs.  The one that I take very seriously is making sure my boys have something to play with when they come over to our house.  I don't keep a ton of toys, but enough that we can play for a few hours while I babysit.  I also added old cell phones and you would have thought that I went out a bought the newest, coolest toy from Toys-R-Us.  Well, I guess in a way I did, that's what kids love anyway, right?  It's always funny to see who they will call, Mommy, Daddy, or at times Uncle Chase.  Both of my older nephews know exactly where I keep the toy box and run straight for it when they get to my house. 
     There have been a couple times that the toys have been left out.  I know their parents are cringing at this post, but to me it represents something more.  For at least a day or more I leave the toys scattered around the floor.  It reminds me of something to look forward to when we do have children.  Now every parent that is reading this is rolling their eyes and possibly looking around their house at the scattered toys and saying what a nut job I am.  The way I look at it, is simply this, what will the child remember more your spotless house or that time when every toy in the house was played with in one night?  The child is me is rooting for the second option.
     I have always been a fairly neat person and like when things are picked up.  However, these scattered toys help me to look forward to a messy house where there is love and a whole lot of playing going on.  It also reminds me of a sign that I need to purchase which says," Please excuse the mess, the children are making memories."  As parents isn't that what we are really trying to make with our children, memories?  I pray that is what will be happening in our house in the near future.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope and leaving the toys everywhere. 

Happy Birthday Peanut

     I can't believe I'm writing this post already.  Today would have been the day we would have hopefully gotten to meet you, given that the doctors got your due date right which I'm told they rarely do.  Everyone would be waiting for you at the hospital, from aunts to great grandmas everyone would be waiting to catch a glimpse of you to see who you look like more. 
     So, to celebrate your birthday we have planned an eventful weekend.  Tonight we will go out to dinner and think about who you might have looked like and who you might have become.  The biggest question will still remain unanswered, but mommy still thinks you were a boy.  What time would you have decided to make your big debut, early in the morning or late at night?  Would you have been a healthy baby like all your cousins or closer to mommy and daddy's birth weight?  I just know that you would have been a long baby at least 20 inches.  How I wish I had the answers to these questions. 
     The other fun event that we have planned in honor of you sweet Peanut is to run in St. Louis's Glow Run.  We would have been staying up late to either feed or give birth to you, so what better way to celebrate than with others.  It will also keep us distracted and focused on all the chaos around us.  Hopefully this time we will actually run a little bit. 
     Even though we won't get to meet for a while know that not a day goes by that I don't think about your sweet face or long to hear your heartbeat.  I will always keep you in my heart until I get to heaven and we can meet in person.  Always remember how much we love you sweet Peanut. 

I Didn't Know That Muscle Existed

     Chase and I have been going to Crossfit since June and have tried to attend at least 3 times a week.  With a hectic summer schedule we haven't always been able to go as much as we would have liked, but I will say that I'm hooked.  I have never been an athlete.  Growing up I only played summer slow pitch softball and never really did anything past 8th grade.  In high school, P.E. was my kryptonite I avoided it at all costs and even got to skip out  my senior year because I was doing an internship and taking several dual credit courses. 
     When I first started this insane form of torture, I was so out of shape and couldn't do any of the WOD without taking a break or immediately getting winded.  Now, I can keep up with some of the other ladies in the class.  I really noticed a change one Sunday afternoon.  I had one of my nephews and I was tossing him into the air and watching him giggle.  While doing this I thought to myself, huh, I could keep going until he was over it.  Another time we were outside and one of my older nephews wanted to get on my shoulders and ride.  Without batting an eye I picked him up with ease and put him on my shoulders.  Just a few short months ago I would have struggled to raise him that high. 
     It's not just in areas related to my boys that I have noticed that I am getting stronger.  I am one of those people who try to get all the groceries brought in with one trip.  Especially this time of year, the horse flies are enormous and practically attack you when you step out of the door.  Well this last time, I did have to make 2 trips, I hadn't shopped in a few weeks.  That last trip I managed to bring in 3 Wal-Mart sacks, 1 overloaded Aldi bag (I always cram as much as I can into my bags and then regret every minute of it when I carry them in), 2 gallons of milk, and a case of water all while screaming and running away from the kamikaze horse flies.  (If you're laughing you should be, my family always makes fun of me this time of year because I run and scream from the car to the house because of those stupid bugs.) 
     All of that to say I have never felt better.  I never thought in all my life I would get excited about a work out or dare I say enjoy lifting weight.  Each class is a new day, the WOD is never the same.  Some of the moves are the same but you never know what form of torment they are going to make you perform.  Sadly, I keep going back for more and in the foreseeable future I am hooked.  I love how I feel and I can tell that I am losing weight, even though its a slow process.  Until next time always Chasing hope, and feeling like Wonder Woman! 

I Must Be Crazy

     Within the last 3 plus years, my major focus has been to get pregnant and start our family.  There have been many sleepless nights hoping and praying that the doctors would be wrong about our infertility and God would give us our miracle.  In a way God is giving us our miracle, but in a different form, adoption. 
     Upon signing on with Angel, I have felt a peace that I have never felt in the last 3 years of trying to get pregnant.  Our pending adoption has me more at ease than if I were to find out I was pregnant.  Truth be told I do not want to be pregnant at this moment.  While it would be a miracle, Angel would freeze our contract and it would resume when the baby was a year, but we would also have to redo our home study thus forking out money again.  The money is not the issue, but the possibility of another miscarriage really scares me.  However, there are at least 40 possible issues that we could face with adoption.  I know that this is were we are supposed to be right now.  I can just feel it. 
     It seems a little odd for me to actually write that I don't want to be pregnant.  I want to be a mom and I feel like God has opened this specific door for a reason.  It's like our light at the end of the tunnel is actually there and were not just sitting around in darkness like I feel we have been the last 3 years.  Some might think that I have given up hope of ever being pregnant.  That is simply not true as a woman I will always have that hope and that might still be in God's plan for our family.  At this time, this moment we are going to grow our family through adoption.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

*Adoption Update

     While we were sitting on the beach we received an email that Angel had finished our profile.  They sent us a rough draft via email and wanted to know what we thought.  As always, they did an amazing job and at that point we told them to print it and send it to every birthmother they thought might be a good match for us.  When we arrived home we found a paper copy which was even better sitting in our mailbox.  This means that Angel will begin to show our profile to potential birthmothers but cannot post our information online until our home study is complete. 
     We have almost finished packet #3 for our home study and are waiting to hear back from LCFS for our first interview.  My goal is to finish our home study completely before September.  At that point, Angel would be able to show our profile to any birthmother.  Nothing major going on just wanted to report with an update. 

Families Come In Many Different Forms

     Sunscreen in my pores, waves crashing, and sand on my toes, that was our beach setting for the last week.  As our Myrtle Beach vacation came to an end, I couldn't help but notice all the families that we encountered over the short week who had obviously adopted.  I am talking about the families who have adopted a child from another race other than their own.  On 3 separate occasions I counted 3 couples who adopted.  With that in mind I wonder how many others have adopted that we wouldn't even realize? 
     I wonder if when you are going through a season in life you are more aware or tuned into others who are going through the same experiences you are.  Take this strange example, have you ever started looking for a new vehicle and upon test driving or buying slowly began to notice all the other people that have the exact same vehicle that you do?  I feel, while in the midst of our adoption, my senses have been more in tuned to look around at other families and their make-ups. 
     It was so refreshing to see other happy families having fun with one another.  It's also a reminder for myself to fill out that next paper, send that next email, and make that appointment so we can become that happy loving family we have seen on vacation.  As the days go by, I will think of those families and dream of the day that I can be someone's else hope through their adoption journey.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 
    

My Daily Reminder

     With my brain still on vacation time, I barely survived my first Crossfit WOD in over a week.  Instead of feeling like I was going to die I actually missed that madness that is Crossfit.  Even though we missed and didn't workout on vacation and had way too much junk food, I feel like I haven't lost too much ground. 
     While driving home from the sandy shore line, I scoured Pinterest and scrolled through Facebook.  I came upon a Pin that I had posted earlier in the week of a fitness quote that I loved.  Using Word Swag, I fancied it up a bit and added my own back ground and viola the creation you see below.  It's nothing fancy, but I think the quote says it all.  To be honest I felt better about myself this year at the beach but I'm not where I want to be.  Where I want to be is back in a bikini not ashamed of what others think of my body.
     Now I know some of you will say, "Women should love their bodies even if they have curves and blah blah blah."  To have nice curves would be one thing but some where my curves turned into fat.   I haven't been able to stand how I have looked but for the first time in too many years I am finally feeling and looking good.  When I go back to the beach this year I won't be the woman sitting on the beach in her one piece and covered from head to toe.  Nope, I'll be the one in the bikini who isn't ashamed of how she looks in her swimming suit.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and feeling fabulous. 

Just Wait

     Just wait until you have kids and you'll never get sleep, have time to pee, or insert an amazing perk here.  Maybe that was a little too sarcastic.  However, I despise this phrase because to be blunt I have waited A LONG TIME to have kids, but maybe to some people 3 years isn't very long of a wait to have children.
     Everything about this threatening phrase just digs under my skin and I hear it from close family and friends, all people who know our struggle.  Now, I am not trying to down play anything that parents do for their children.  I can only imagine that parenting is exhausting and there are times where you wish they would just stop crying, lay down for their nap, or stop pulling their sisters hair.  Being a parent sounds like a tough job, after all you are entrusted to care for a little person who looks and acts just like you.  However, what are you really trying to accomplish by telling me to wait until I have children?  Is this supposed to make me change my mind about having them?  Or is it supposed to show me how lucky I am to be able to sleep in or not have to watch Barney for the thousandth time. 
     Well, my friends I don't call this lucky at all.  I would give up my days to sleep in, quiet days alone, and all the money I have (oh wait, we kinda already have) to have a child.  Thus pointing out some of the down sides of parenthood isn't going to help.  Am I delusional to think that everyday is going to be a piece of cake?  Duh, no, everything for us thus far has been extremely difficult, and I wouldn't expect parenting to be anything but.  However, when I do encounter those crazy never ending parenting moments I would like to think that my mind will travel back to those times where I was sitting in the bathroom crying again over another failed pregnancy test, getting ready to tackle another mountain of paperwork, or writing another check for a failed treatment.  So the next time you give someone parenting advise please take the time to consider who you are talking to.  After all parenting may be hard but so is infertility.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 
    

Plowing Through Paperwork



     I have heard stories of all of the paper work that comes with adopting a child, but never in my wildest dreams could I have truly imagined the horror.  Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a little.  With so many different forms already piling up around us, I knew I needed to stay organized.  Off to Staples I went where I found the 13 slotted pocket folder you see below.  Not to toot my own horn, but I am the Queen of organization.  When we built our house we did not have a general contractor who handles paper work, keeps track of liens or anything else that needs taken care of while building.  Chase and I were the general contractors, so organization was key and we did a pretty good job. 

     So, with that in mind I bought an adoption pocket folder.  When we built I used a binder and it wasn't my favorite tool.  However, the pocket folder, I have found, is so much better.  I spent a little extra on this one, the pockets touch the bottom of the folder so nothing can get mixed up or slip between the cracks.  There were several folders that were a little cheaper but remember you get what you pay for and I knew this needed to last a while.  This one also has a large pocket in front for keeping any random items or business cards.   



 

 

     I love all the extra pockets.  As you can see we haven't filled them up yet but I'm sure we will soon enough.  Plus, I am not sure what all I will need in the days to come so I just left the back pockets blank.  For the time being our sections are as follows: receipts, home study, Angel info, fundraising ideas and just a few others.  The home study slot is getting a lot of work since we are in the middle of it.  

 

     Call me crazy, but I can't stand using cheap pens so I splurged on bought Sharpie pens.  They are so nice and write smoothly.  

 

     I know everyone has their own way of being organized while wading through the never ending pile of paperwork.  I just wanted to share what is working for me.  Another plus about the pocket folder is never having to worry about things slipping out if you drop it.  When I had our house building binder, I had to pick it up a certain way or risk picking a million papers up off the ground.  I know this post won't have the interest of everyone, but I thought it needed writing.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope.  

My Aching Body

     For a little over a month now Chase and I have been surviving Crossfit classes at a new gym in our town.  Are we crazy?  Yes, but we have tried many different work-outs and programs and nothing has worked for long.  The first two weeks that we attended there wasn't any charge for the class, so why not give it a try.  Now you need to know something about me and some of you already do.  I am not an athlete.  No, really, in high school I didn't play sports and I have never lifted a large weight in my life.  Within the last few weeks I will say that I survived the weight days and, for a newb, did pretty well, at least in my opinion, and that's really the only one that counts.
     I never thought in my wildest dreams that I would like something as intense and rigorous as Crossfit.  Let me tell you the atmosphere is completely different from going to the regular gym.  Why you ask?  Well don't you worry, you know I will tell you.  For one you have a trainer, and at times 2, showing you how to properly lift or do whatever it is you are trying to accomplish, which at this point for me is complete the work out in the time allotted and I'm always the last one to finish.  However, the way I see it is that I am there and trying to better myself.  The trainers are there for support as well.  Even though I always complain, I am so glad that I have someone telling and showing me what I need to do. 
     Another thing that surprised me was that I actually like it.  Now while in the midst of said work out I will tell you it is pure hell, but I have found that I would rather be sore than have that feeling of not accomplishing anything.  Even when I have rest days I feel like I'm missing something. 
     The last thing that took me off guard was how nice the people were.  Now, by people I mean other people in the class and most have been working out and can do way more than me.  I will never forget the third day we went, the WOD (workout of the day) was a nightmare.  The torture began and yours truly was the last to finish, but as time was almost over the other classmates came over and were cheering me on to finish.  Even though my slow behind didn't finish the WOD completely I made it farther in the workout than I ever thought possible and the fact that others were cheering me on really lifted my spirit.  As I said before I am still the last to finish, but I do finish in the allotted time.  My goal is to one day be that person cheering on a newb to finish their workout because there is no greater feeling that thinking someone is on your side wanting you to accomplish your goal as well.  My body still aches, but in all honest I haven't felt this good in a long time.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope and feeling great. 

Unorigional

     I am neither witty nor brilliant.  However, I love a good quote.  While cruising around Pinterest I have found some excellent infertility and adoption quotes.  This quote is by far my favorite.  I have always known in the back of my mind that it would be hard for me to get pregnant.  Did I know that I would have trouble conceiving?  No way, but there was always this nagging feeling that I had that I would have trouble conceiving. 

     However, throughout this journey I have learned a lot about myself.  I have always wanted to be a mother and always have thought of adopting.  I guess that was God's way of preparing me for our journey.  So my goal is to become a mother and the method by which it happens is unimportant.  Until next time, Chasing Hope. 



 

 

31 Days of Prayer Through Infertility

     This should, for me, actually read 60 plus days of prayer through infertility.  As I dive deeper into my walk with God, I am still not the best about meeting with him daily.  However, I am finding that the deeper I dig the more love and hope I find in Him. 
     Lisa Newton from Amateur Nester created this amazing 31 day prayer/study through infertility.  During our journey, I have waded through the internet and countless blogs looking for help.  I stumbled upon this gem several months ago and decided to purchase and begin the study in May.  I figured it would be the perfect month, with my birthday and Mother's Day combined, to dive in.  What I did not realize was how busy I would be with school and the end of the year festivities that encompass it. 
     As I began the study, I noticed that almost every feeling or emotion I have felt in the last 3 years someone else was feeling too.  Each day Lisa focused on a different aspect of some of the different ways to strengthen our walk through these difficult times such as: praying for hope, community, comfort, endurance, freedom from jealousy and envy, joy, and so many more.  She breaks down each one and goes a little bit deeper by exploring some of her feelings (which always relate to a feeling I have had) and then showing what God's word says. 
     I do not want to go into too much detail and take away from her amazing and informational resource.  She does have a small fee to purchase the study but it is minimal.  To be honest I would offer to pay for someone else to read through it so they could read and understand some of what those of us going through infertility feel and face.  Out of all the blogs I have read, I always go back to Lisa's.  She is a woman after God's own heart.  Even if you aren't going through infertility and you know someone who is I invite you to purchase the study so that you might know how to pray for them.  Let's face it sometimes we don't know how to help one another but, in my opinion, lifting one another in prayer can always be an excellent place to start and finish.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Compassion International

     I have always loved being around children.  At a young age I remember wanting to hold a baby and the mother cautiously hovering over me to make sure I didn't harm her precious bundle of joy.  I always knew that I wanted to be a mom and naturally wanted my career to involve helping children too. 
     When I was in 6th grade I went to summer camp to a Mission Fuge in Mobile, AL.  During our time at camp we had to choose between, at the time, 5 different areas in a mission field which included: carpentry work, children's ministries, and several others.  I bet you can guess which one I signed up for that week.  Our task for the week was to host a VBS for the area children.  It was a simpler form which worked out great.  This particular VBS was located in a very poor area of town and if I remember right we had around 30 kids.  However, there was this one little girl that I connected with, she was adorable and I carried her everywhere I went.  For that week we were inseparable.  At that moment though I realized that I wanted to make a difference in the life of a child. 
     With that always being in the back of my mind as I grew up, I wanted to make a difference not only in my community and nation but around the world.  Please don't interpret this as a look at all the good I'm doing because it isn't.  It's only through the grace of God that things like this are laid on our hearts and He always works out the details. 
     In October 2013, I went to a Beth Moore conference in Springfield and it was AMAZING!  If you ever get the chance go see this wonderful speaker, sign up immediately.  While at the conference they were advertising that Compassion International was in need of more sponsors for their children.  This organization has been around a long time and I had seen a lot of different people who had supported a child through Compassion.  With it weighing heavy on my heart that weekend, I called Chase to ask him if it was ok to sign up to become sponsors, which he replied yes.  I also didn't want to sponsor one child.  I mean how could I choose between a boy or girl, so the obvious choice was choose both a boy and girl. 
     Choosing to sponsor a child has been one of the best decisions of my life, aside from my wedding day.  Both of my children live half way around the world, but Compassion has provided me with so much material about their country as well as the child and their family.  The cost to sponsor a child is $38 a month and this takes care of food, hygiene, schooling and supplies, and any other needs.  It is also an option to send them an extra donation on their birthday or a holiday.  The sponsors through Compassion in their country use the money and make a purchase for the child from us. 
     The biggest blessing has been the letters that we have received twice a year.  Our youngest child we sponsor is not able to write yet, he will start school this January.  He has an adult from Compassion help him write his letter.  However, our girl that we sponsor writes to us and then someone translates it, seeing her handwriting in another language is so beautiful.  I love seeing what the children write to us.  Compassion provides a template for the children to use and on one side it has the children answer questions about themselves for example: do you have pets, the weather right now is, and many others.  It always makes my day to receive these letters.  The children always include a drawing, and not that I am partial but they are going to be artists some day.  As sponsors we are encouraged to write back to our children, which we take full advantage of writing.  We cannot send large items through the mail as customs will open and dismiss a whole stack for a suspicious looking package.  However, Compassion has a list of small items we can send such as: stickers, book marks, coloring pages, and a rather large list of items. 
     The purpose of this post is to bring awareness to a great organization, Compassion International.  God has blessed me with so much that I wanted to help someone else out in return.  There have been so many times when I have had a bad day and get home and check the mail to find a letter sitting in the mailbox from one of my children.  To the right side of this post is a link to Compassions website and it's so quick to become a sponsor I promise it will be one of the biggest blessings of your life.  One click and you will fall in love with so many sweet little faces of children who deserve a fighting chance.  Until next time always, Chasing Hope. 

So, Tell Us About You

     This is such a loaded question.  Where do you start?  I already find myself a little stressed about this part.  When we signed on with Angel Adoption, part of their job is to help us set up a profile for potential birthmothers to view.  Let me explain the profile a little bit more for those that haven't the slightest clue of what I'm talking about.  Our profile consists of multiple pictures of just Chase and me, our families, our home, Chief, and anything else that we want to include.  It also includes brief paragraphs about who we are, what led us to adopt, detailed information about our families, a letter to the birthmother, and really just anything that we would want a birthmother to know about us.  This was actually another reason that we wanted to use Angel because they handle piecing the profile together.  Upon meeting with a rep several weeks ago she showed us how they would set up our profile.  Each profile consists of the same amount of information, but each couple is able to take charge of what they want to share. 
     With our information now in the trusting hands of Angel's profile guru, we will wait to see how she arranges it.  I can't help but feel so excited because we could get a call in 2 months from a birthmother saying she wants to talk, meet, or has chosen us to be her child's parents.  Angel will only show our profile to birthmothers whose due dates are a little farther out because we don't have our home study completed yet, but once it is complete they will show it to anyone. 
     I have never had a problem writing or saying how I feel, obviously from all of my posts.  However, this is so different.  You want a birthmother to be drawn into your profile and I feel like our wording has to be spot-on.  After all this might be what convinces a birthmother to choose us.  When we were talking to the Angel Reps, we asked if there was any one thing that birthmothers were looking for when choosing adoptive parents.  Her response was that a mother could choose us based off of our pictures, where we live, if one of us likes a movie she does, or if we have a pet or not.  With so many different possibilities how do we know what is the right thing to write or say?  This again is where our faith has to take over.  I know that God already has a baby and birthmother in mind.  I just pray that He opens her heart and mind to us and that the words we chose speak to her.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Infertility and the body

     This post to some might sound like an excuse and that's fine, but unless you have gone through any form of infertility you really might not understand exactly what I am talking about.  Within the last 3 years of trying to start our family I have gained weight.  Actually, since we got married I have gained weight, but I have heard that is normal.  After all the "good" wife makes her man dinner and a sweet dessert right?  That's just what I did, but this goes deeper than dieting or exercise. 
     During each month of trying to conceive there are different cycles that I would go through in my mind.  The first one starts on cycle day 1, depression, but also a hope for this cycle.  I realize that I need to be more active and maybe that will increase our chances.  So, I hop on my elliptical (or eucalyptus as my mom calls it) and workout.  This faze never lasts long because it's at the beginning of my cycle, within the last year, my periods have been very intense with heavy bleeding and horrible cramps.  Once it's over, there is a short window of time that I feel lead to work out again but then ovulation day comes.  I have heard that you should take it easy when you become pregnant for the first trimester to avoid a miscarriage.  In my brain that means lay around, eat chocolate, and pray that the baby is getting comfortable.  I know, not the best plan, but when you've prayed for so long for something you will try even the silliest things in hopes that it will work. 
     Thus, the inevitable cycle just keeps repeating itself.  I will say that for that small period of time that I was pregnant I did walk a little and did lose weight mostly due to not feeling well (I wouldn't dare call it morning sickness because I was never sick, I just didn't feel at the top of my game).  After the miscarriage I became a little depressed.  I think a little part of me wanted to see a growing belly so I ate to compensate for my lack of bump, but it just wasn't the same.  I knew I wasn't were I should be and part of me wanted to do something, but the other part said why when you do that when you could sit around and do nothing. 
     The turning point has been our recent adoption acceptance with Angel.  I finally feel like something good is going to happen for our family.  Even during my short pregnancy there was always the lingering fear of losing my Peanut and sure enough I did.  However, this feels right. 
     While we begin the adoption process, I have had to collect as many pictures as I can of Chase and I, our families, friends, our house, our stinky puppy Chief, and anything else that represents who we are.  I began to notice a common theme within the last year, my waist line has grown and I hate how I look in these pictures that we are about to send to potential birthmothers.  While we wait and pray for a birthmother to choose us, I will work out and try my best to eat right because for those of you that know me I am probably the pickiest eater on the planet.  When I meet our birthmother in person, I want her to think that I look different from my pictures.  I will be different; I will not only be mentally and spiritually strong but physically strong too. 
     I have always wanted to be one of those active and fit moms, but, in all honesty, I hate to sweat.  It's disgusting and in your best Jimmy Fallon voice, "It's just EWW!"  However, with age comes knowledge in life; if you want something so much you have to sweat and do the leg work to get there.  Only then can you look back at all the blood, sweat, and tears and truly say I did it.  I did it for no one else except myself.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope and not running out of breath. 

My Worst Day Re-lived

     The day that we found out our Peanut wasn't with us anymore will always be engrained in my brain until I go meet my Savior.  There are certain vivid memories that I can recall at this very moment such as: what I was wearing (it now sits in the rummage sale pile), the doctors tone of voice, the numbness I felt after hearing those words, and the song I kept singing over and over in my head on the way home. 
     Follow me for a minute.  At our little Christian school we have a chapel service every Friday.  When you walk in the school on Friday morning you can feel the positive energy of everyone before chapel even starts.  We have an amazing Kindergarten teacher who sings and plays piano like an angel.  The music we sing ranges from lively children's songs to more adult contemporary Christian songs like "We Believe" by the Newsboys. 
     I love singing both types of songs.  However, the song that I sang the day we learned about our Peanut wasn't some deep profound song but a child's song.  The song title was "My God is So Big" and it was only the chorus that I could sing or really remember, it goes like this: My "God is so big so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do".  At that moment I needed my big God to wrap His arms around His child and constantly remind her of His love in the midst of the worst moment of her life.  In addition to singing that song, I had terrible thoughts about not wanting to go on any longer.  How on earth could I continue when my baby was taken away from me? 
     It wasn't until today when I was reading The Sweet Side of Suffering by M. Esther Lovejoy (more on this amazing book later) that I realized we all need to be reminded of the simpler things that God shows us.  In one of the sections she is talking about how we need to still be reminded that God sees the big picture and that our minds can't wrap around what He has up His sleeve.  She says that people always talk about all they ever needed to know they learned in Kindergarten.  However, she wants to write a book entitled all I ever needed to know I learned in beginner church.  The simple things like "Jesus Loves Me", and sharing are what we teach children in Sunday school.  What an amazing reminder for some of our suffering that we need to look back at those simple things. 
     I knew that cold January day our lives were changed forever.  What I didn't know was that I would learn about so many other miscarriages from friends and loved ones.  I had no clue the doors would be pushed wide open for us to adopt our first little angel.  He knows best.  My God is so big so strong and so mighty, and there's NOTHING my God cannot do.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

We Were ACCEPTED!!!!

     I can't believe I'm actually writing this post.  In just 2 short weeks our would as we have known it has been flipped turned upside down (to quote the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air).  You see several weeks ago we announced that we were picking up where we left off last fall with our adoption.  We began reviewing agencies again and upon searching found a place in Chicago called Angel Adoption, an adoption marketing company.  Right away I loved what I read.  The founders were adoptive mothers and had been through the process several times and wanted to help others adopt too.  So with high hopes I sent them an email requesting more information. 
     The next day I received a call from one of their representatives wanting to talk.  As much as I hated, I had to end the call because I was in the middle of an 8th grade trip with 7 teenagers.  However, upon turning home I found a rather large but information packet in our mailbox from Angel.  They had included multiple references from past clients, a letter from the owners, contracts, many other statistics about their company, and, of course, their pricing guide.  Once sticker shock had worn off, we really began talking about going sign up with Angel.  Everything I read I loved.  We talked most of the night about how on earth we would afford them when Chase came to realize that we had the initial fee cost sitting in our bank account at this very moment.  
     Now let me explain, we are not rich people.  We save, budget, and try to use our heads when making financial decisions.  In fact, we were saving up for a newer vehicle.  The icing on the cake was that we had just sold our boat which we had been trying to sell for over a year.  When I mean just sold I mean the week that the representative called; someone called about the boat, went for a test drive, put in an offer, and hauled it off by that Friday.  By selling our boat this put us at almost the exact amount (with a little to spare) that we needed to cover the sign on fee.  I don't believe in coincidences; I believe in God.  With each step we took throughout these past 2 weeks I've felt like God had been opening that door wider and wider. 
     With the knowledge that we could cover the sign on fee, we set up a meeting with Angel to get just a little more information about the services they provide and answer any of our questions.  Angel Adoption is known nation wide and they receive over 200 application a month only choosing 6 couples a month to work with them.  Yes, you read that right, in one month they receive over 200 applicants of couples wanting them to assist in their adoption.  This little statistic made me extremely nervous.  What if they didn't choose us?  What would we do then? 
     On May 28, we borrowed my moms van and headed to the state of Chicago.  The weather was perfect and by a miracle we made it to Angel on time even in Chicago traffic.  The staff were wonderful and the facility small, but neatly decorated.  I knew that the more I learned about this company the more I wanted them to help us find our Angel.  After an hour meeting, we said our thank you's and good byes and headed back home.   Before completely leaving we were told that someone would contact us via email on Monday June 1 with an answer either yes we want you or no not right now. 
     I had been trying so hard not to think about that email all weekend.  I just had this feeling deep down that out of all those applicants there really wasn't anyway that we would be picked so soon.  But, as always I should have never underestimated my big God.  After checking and rechecking my email all day, I finally had something from Angel at 2:00 and we were accepted.  Through tears in my eyes I called Chase to tell him the great news.  At first he thought we were denied since I was crying (I never cry) but he soon realized that we had been picked. 
     So what's next?  Well, this week we need to sign our 2 year contract and send them a check to cover that sign on fee.  After that we begin our home study and building our profile through Angel.  I am beyond excited to start this phase.  I have felt like I've been in a Disney movie, specifically Frozen.  You know the song (if you have kids) about the doors.? I've felt like so many doors have been closed for so long and it's finally our time for an open one.  It's not going to be easy but in the end it will be so worth it.  Until next time, ALWAYS Chasing Hope. 

An Infertile Woman of Faith

     The title and bulk of this post really doesn't have a thing to do with me but about a woman, in my opinion, of true faith from the bible.  This post has been rewritten at least 5 times and has been sitting in draft form for months.  I have had it on my heart to write about a biblical role model, but wanted to make sure that all the credit goes to God and that I wrote this properly.  This story is one that I have poured over since our trial began.  There are so many amazing men and women throughout the bible who are definitely note-worthy but at this point in my life I felt like this story is one that really pulls at my heart strings. 
     This is the true story of a Godly woman, Hannah.  I am just paraphrasing, but please take the time and really read this one from the bible because I can't do it justice (I Samuel 1, the whole chapter).  Elkanah had 2 wives Peninnah and Hannah; Peninnah had children (meaning more than one) and Hannah didn't.  I am so grateful that I do not have to share my husband with another woman, especially a fertile one. 
     Elkanah and his family travel to worship and sacrifice to the Lord.  While there Hannah's rival (the bible doesn't out right say it, but I would assume its the other woman, Peninnah) provokes her.  This provoking as the bible calls in goes on for years.  It upsets Hannah as it would any woman who wants to provide a child for her husband whom she loves.  The bible says she wept and would not eat.  Elkanah shows concern for her by asking what the problem is but she never says.  He also asks the question, "Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?"  The answer for me to this question is yes.  I haven't the slightest idea what I would do if I didn't have Chase through all of this.  However, there are certain things that are extremely difficult to tell the man that you love.  Chase and I share everything.  He knows exactly how I feel about our issues, yet at times I feel like there are some thing's he just doesn't need to bear. 
     In verse 10 it says, "In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly."  She begins to beg the Lord to remember her servant and grant her a son and she will give him back to the Lord all the days of his life.  Eli the priest hears Hannah's prayers and thinks she is drunk, but Hannah quickly explains that she is not.  She replies, I love this, in verse 15 and 16, "Not so my lord, I am a woman who is deeply troubled.  I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the Lord.  Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief."  When you have longed for a baby of your own for so long and have poured your heart and soul into prayer, yet God hasn't answered it can be so devastating.  I have prayed countless prayers pouring my heart out to my God begging him for a child of my own.  The English teacher in me loves the word anguish because for those that have experienced infertility it truly is the right word for her/our pain. 
     The story doesn't end with pain because if God sees you to it then only He will see you through it.  Eli tells her to go in peace and may God grant what you have asked.  Later it says that she lay with her husband, conceives, and gave birth to a son, Samuel ,meaning because I asked the Lord for him.  This is the same Samuel that is called by God to judge Israel, anoints King Saul and then anoints a better king, David.
     I know exactly how Hannah felt.  It seems like everyone around me has been pregnant, is, or will be in the next 10 minutes.  This has been extremely challenging for me because my timing and God's timing don't always add up.  However, I need to remind myself that He will remember me just like he heard Hannah's pleas hundreds of years ago; we will have a child of our own someday too.  
     In the bible it is mentioned that women desire to have sons to carry on the family name.  When I pray for a child I always secretively hope (I guess it isn't a secret any longer) for a son.  I love my sweet husband so much and would be so honored to have a son just like him.  He is thoughtful, smart, caring, and so much more, I could go on for days, but then you really would stop reading my posts.  If you take one thing away from this post know that the Lord your God hears your pleas and will remember his servant no matter what it is.  It might not be when you think but remember God's timing and yours aren't always the same.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope. 

Chasing Hope, Choosing Joy

     For my birthday and teacher appreciation week, one of my students brought me the beautiful bracelet you see below.  Well, let me rephrase that, his mom was actually the one who had it made for me.  When I asked him if he picked out it out he just smiled sheepishly and said, "Come on Ms. Hyde you know better".  Did I mention that I love teaching Jr. High kids?  :)
     I love that she included my blog name on the bracelet.  I noticed that she added another phrase below, Choosing Joy, what an amazing addition.  To be honest, I hope that is how people see me through this blog as a woman who does both.  This has not been an easy road to travel, and at times that joy has been hard won.  Right out of the gate I will say that I really didn't spend a whole lot of time in daily devotion.  The turning point was after our third failed IUI.  I knew God loved me and never left my side, in reality, I was the one giving him the cold shoulder.  I began to start to see who God  really is and just how much He loves me by starting a daily devotion.  It started out simple because the thought of spending 30 minutes a day was very intimidating to me.  While I ate my morning breakfast I started reading the book of James and took it a chapter at a time.  Things were going great, and I began to get in the habit.  I was starting to hear God more and had moved on to other books of the bible.  Then again my world was rocked when we lost Peanut, but this time I knew who to turn to after the initial shock wore off. 
     When I began piecing this post together I Googled scripture that related to joy and wouldn't you know it that God led me to the perfect verse.  Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  Romans 12:12  I know what the word affliction means but the English teacher in me wanted a better definition.  Dictionary.com says it is a state of pain, distress, or grief; misery.  In other words ,be patient during times of grief/misery.  I thought the last two descriptions were prefect since dealing with infertility and miscarriage can at times feel like any of those definitions.  Through prayer and a deeper analysis of God's word, I am truly finding out who God really is and choosing joy through this journey.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope and Choosing Joy!!!

 

Enough Talk, It's Time

     Now that school has almost let out for the summer it's time to start something that has always been on our hearts, adopting.  Chase and I have been kicking around the idea of adoption for almost a year.  Last fall we even contacted and met with several adoption agencies.  It's time to officially start the process.  I am very tired of hearing people say, "You know what happens when you start the adoption process or sign adoption papers?  You get pregnant (insert high pitched baby voice here)".  I always try to be honest, however, there are times where I think being blunt is so much better.  This piece of "advise" is the stupidest thing I have ever heard.  The whole point of adoption is to enlarge our family and the whole point of being pregnant is enlarging our family.  Either way we are accomplishing our goal.  I would be over the moon if God blessed us with 2 children at once.  That doesn't mean I wouldn't be terrified, but together Chase and I would figure it out. 
     There are so many questions that people ask when you say that you're going to adopt.  How old would you want the child to be?  Are you choosing international or domestic?  What race would we prefer?  Among those questions I have heard people state some pretty horrifying things about adopting.  For example, well I know someone who adopted and insert terrible thing here.  It's almost as if they are trying to talk you out of something that you are being lead by God to do.  When we talk about starting our family, adoption has always been on the table.  I feel like He is telling us it's time to officially start the process. 
     I know for a fact that this path will not be an easy one, but I do know that the end result will be beautiful.  So, with this post keep your eyes and ears pealed for us.  If you know of someone in a situation that is thinking about giving their child up please think about us.  The path will be long and winding and the burden heavy at times, but the outcome will be perfect.  As always, Chasing Hope. 

A special thank you to Emily Kracht for doing our fall family/adoption session. 

New Horizon

     All my grown life I have wanted to be a teacher.  Even when I think back to when I was younger I always remember playing teacher with my dolls.  I would take books that my previous teachers were going to get rid of that year in order to make room for the new ones the next.  I even recall one doll always getting in trouble or talking in class.  At a young age I was unconsciously drawn to the troubled students. 
     I remember by senior year of high school I did an internship at a local school with a teacher friend of mine.  That year sealed the deal, I would be a teacher now matter what it took.  After going to college, taking and retaking countless state mandated tests, and a pile of student loan debt later, I did it I was finally a teacher.  The teacher who I student taught with was amazing and she taught me so much.  However, in 2 years she would be retiring.  So, in order to begin my career I subbed at that school where she worked.  I put in 2 years of subbing.  Little did I know, there is a lot more that goes on in the teaching world.  I am talking about politics and biding your time. 
     The closer the day got to hopefully landing my dream job the further it seemed.  Until someone mentioned a small Christian school where we live might be hiring for the up coming school year.  With my public school dream growing dim I moved on to another option, private school.  I never pictured myself being a private school teacher.  Let's be honest some private school kids are snotty and entitled (stay with me parents).  I subbed a few times at the school before the year let out and put in my resume in hopes of actually having a classroom some day. 
     The day finally came, I was called for an interview.  Now I'm being completely honest, I have never interviewed any where.  When I was 16 a good friend got me in at a local bank where I worked for 5 years without interviewing (she just called and said come in this day).  Then at 18 another good friend had me come in and help her at a local salon were she was a receptionist and knew they needed the extra help (again no interview).  With this being my first interview ever and it being a teaching interview I was so incredibly nervous. 
     Several weeks later I got the call saying I didn't get the job.  I knew this might happen, but I didn't think it would be that soon.  Thankfully when I got that call I was babysitting my only nephew at the time and he made things so much better.  Fast forward a few more weeks and I am sitting on a beach in Florida listening to the waves roll and I have a missed call and voicemail from New Horizon on my phone.  I found it strange and checked my voicemail.  It was the principal calling and asking about my certificates.  Now at the time I had/have middle school endorsements in language arts and social studies.  I was a little nervous about teaching middle school; frankly I didn't like junior high students at all.  They were scary, moody and at times smelly.  The worst part were their attitudes, something I can't stand.  I call the principal back and sure enough she told me I had the middle school English and reading job if I wanted it. 
     Through a nervous giddy grin I accepted; I was excited and terrified all at the same time.  I went to school to be an Elementary teacher not deal with smart-mouthed Jr. High kids.  As I began to set up my classroom I prayed the entire time for God's guidance, after all I knew that this door had been opened to me, but I really didn't understand where He was going with this one. 
     My very first day/week I sweat through every shirt that I wore.  However, I began to notice little things.  My students were kind, surprisingly quiet and actually liked me.  Even though I tried to put on my meanest teacher face they eventually saw right through it.  As the weeks flew by I began to relax and really enjoy my students.  We shared a lot together and learned even more together. 
     As I prepare to watch my 2nd 8th grade class graduate Jr. High at New Horizon I am starting to see why God chose to put me here.  With everything we have been through trying to start our family, I have had another family to pray for us and fight in our corner.  I work with an amazing group of teachers who at the beginning of every school day meet together for a quick devotion to start our day out right.  My students are funny, smart, and most of the time fun to be around.  All of our parents are supportive and willing to help out in any way they can.  We have Chapel services every Friday and they are always amazing, really I don't know who learns more half the time myself or the students. 
     Even my students know my struggle through this blog and about the miscarriage I had in January.  The day I came back from an awful weekend and first part of the week my students received me with hugs and were very quiet, at least the first period.  I'm pretty sure they didn't know what I would do.  As usual we picked up where we left off and went back to joking around and learning.  We all face trials of many kinds and God knows what's best for us in the long run.  Teaching at New Horizon has been such a blessing and I hope it blesses others as much as it has Chase and me.  He really knew what he was doing when I was hired.  Until next time friends, always Chasing Hope. 

A Not So Happy Birthday

    Mother's Day, a time to celebrate the one who gave birth to you, or a celebration for you of the life you helped create.  This holiday has gotten harder and harder for me to handle over the past few years, and rightfully so.  You see Mother's Day always falls around the time of my birthday.  So, for as long as I can remember, we have celebrated my birthday and Mother's Day together.  In the past, it hasn't always been that difficult until recently. 
     It's always a reminder for me of the one thing I haven't accomplished this year, creating life.  Now your saying I should be celebrating MY mother and I do, don't worry, she would kill me if I forgot Mother's Day (sorry mom but you know I'm right).  There's always this nagging voice in my head saying well another year down and my biological clock keeps ticking louder and louder.  I have always wanted to be a younger mom, well as my birthday and Mother's Day pass along I'm constantly reminded that it didn't happen yet again this year. 
     I should rephrase this or at least find a better way to phrase it.  I am already a mother in my heart but some might not see it that way.  Before I lost my little peanut, I was over joyed that my birthday and Mother's Day wouldn't suck so bad.  I joked with Chase that he could get me tickets to Ellen's Mother's Day Episode.  For those who don't watch or haven't seen that episode, every person in the audience is a pregnant woman.  Throughout the show she gives away tons of baby things.  What an amazing gift to not only be pregnant but to get to see a caring star on my birthday.  Now, in reality there's no way we would be able to travel to LA but the thought is what counts.
     This year will probably be the worst because every 6 years my birthday falls on Mother's Day and you guessed it, this year it does.  So, this year my wonderful husband is taking me out of town and to a Kenney Chesney concert where I won't be reminded that I'm childless.  If people happen to ask while were out that weekend, what are you doing for Mother's Day or do you have children?  Trust me it always comes up, even with complete strangers.  Like last year over my birthday, the day before Mother's Day, I went to get my nails fixed, after all I am a true girly girl at heart.  The lady that did my nails asked if I had kids,  to which I had to reply no.  She then proceeded to ask me how long I had been married, almost 4 years.  Then proceeded to ramble on about how in her culture if you didn't have kids soon that you weren't really considered a married couple.  Needless to say, my 25th birthday started out pretty crappy.  Now back to what I will say when we are out of town this year.  I will lie.  What?  Lying is wrong little Christian girl, yes it is, but I think it's wrong to belittle a person for not being a parent when you have no clue what they are going through.  So yes, I will make up a big fat one about my beautiful children and my weekend retreat with my husband, but not to worry we will still see my babies on Sunday when we get back home.  For one minute I'll pretend like life is perfect. 
     So this Mother's Day say a little prayer for those of us who would move heaven and earth to have someone little call us Mommy and make us a cute little card with way too much glitter.  Hug your babies tight and thank God for them EVERY minute of everyday.  Even if they just had a fight with their sibling using mustard as a weapon in the living room.  Because in all honesty I would rather clean up that mess than have no mess at all.  Until next time, always Chasing Hope.